mercredi, mai 24, 2006

Wondrous messages for me from the internette!

My gentil rederes alle, what merveilous werkes we see yn thys tyme. BSL! Several sithes within oon daies space ich am astonyed with the wonderful werkynges of the Internette. Trewely, yt beth a thyng of grete wisdam and power.

For nowe that ich haue hadde thys blog for nigh an yeere, ich do receive manye messages of emaile, of gret varietee in maner of speche and in importaunce. Ywis, yt semeth me that ich stonde within the dwellinge of the Goddesse of Renoun or of Fame, the ladye who knoweth all tales and tellynges yn this world ymaad, and to her hous all rumoures and stories do come yn the maner of pigeones flockynge to a man throwinge crumbes of breede – for so manye litel tales do flit toward myn inbox ech daye, nay ech houre: sum of high sentence and muche lernynge, otheres of churlishe nature, sum of tidynges of myn home of Londoun and sum of londes ferne and straunge. Ther beth thynges of loue, and joye, and eek thynges of muchel wo and lamentacioun. Ich speke nat of the emailes from my freendes, such as Sir Simon Burley, Sir John Clanvowe, Ralph Strode, Tommy Vsk et alii, ich speke of thes messages from othirs of whom ich haue no acqueintaunce – ich wene thei do sende them me by cause of myn posicioun at the custoum house? Surely it must be so, for my fame as a poete ys but litel, and thes messages come from alle ovir the globe of the erthe.

Forto shewen yow the wondirs that awaiten me ech daye, ich haue vsid the tooles of “cutte” and “paste” to showe yow the wondirs of myn inboxe. Heere are a fewe ensaumples:

I. A fayre ladye of a far londe offreth me hir loue!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: ABALIA OF SUSA (abalia@susa.co.pj)
RE: MAIL ORDER BRIDE FROM THE REAUME OF PRESTER JOHN

Good daye! Ich ben ycleped Abalia. XXVII yeeres haue ich dwelt yn thys worlde, far awey yn the lande of Prester John, yn Inde, wher the riveres of paradise do flowe ynto a see of gravel. Althogh thys be a fayre contree ful of precious stones and tables ymade of solid emeralde, wher even the tiniest tchotchke ys ycrafted of diamonde (seriouslie, ich haue an adamantine shoe-horne), yet ther are fewe worthy men that dwelle herein. In deed, a lord hight Gatholonabes doth convince alle the yonge men for to joyne his cult of Assasines and they spende ther tyme lernynge to kille silentlye and hide in shadowes. And thus no gentil man ys lefte for a yonge damosel swich as myn selfe, save for the wilde menne of the deserte who haue hornes of beestes and speke no human tongue, and thatte ys juste totallie nastie and gross. Perhaps yt semeth nyce to yow, but ich devoutely wisshe to fynde the blessinges of love matrimoniale! Ich do looke for a man riche nat wyth worldlie goodes, but riche yn corage and vertu, and thus ich haue emailed yow. If liketh yow my message, and ye haue nat hornes and be nat an assasin, may it plese yow to sende an replye to me at abalia@susa.co.pj.

II. An churlish proposicioun of anatomical alchemie! (Mayster Gower, peraventure thys shal be of aide to thee?)

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: AUGMENTULA SALES (492499@chanounsalchemie.com)
RE: BE SURE SHE CRITH NOT ‘TEE HEE’ AT THEE

A man werkynge wyth an mighi plowe can simplie plowe a bettir furrough than a man with a tinye plowe!

Woldstow haue a mighti plowe or a tinye oon?

Order AUGMENTULA todaye, and thou shalt experience the lyf-chaunginge benefittes thousandes of goode men haue whyle on the AUGMENTULA programme! Manye do witnesse grete increses yn the girth, lengthe, and potencie of the membrum virile, and do paye the debte of mariage yn gretere amountes than evir bifor. Finallie thou kanst marrye AND burne at the same tyme!

III. An mightie prince nedeth myn succour yn matirs financiale!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: LEO OF ARMENIA (leoinexileVI@hotmail.com)
RE: THYN SUCCOUR YS NEEDED

Deere Sir,

Followynge the siege of the castel of Gaban and Oure subsequent capture at the hands of the Emir of Aleppo, we haue ben ythrowne into a sttate of complete confusioun, frustracioun, and hopelessnesse by Oure poore estaat. Oure royale person hath been subjectede to physicale and psychologicale torture by hethene captors in the toune of Cairo wher We nowe are helde prisonere. We do beleve that no cristen soule hath the vertu or charitee to aide Vs, for yt semeth al1le the knightes and monarches of Europe are deef to Oure petiticiouns.

Thou must haue herde, good sir, yn the newspaperes and the internette, of the perilouse state of Oure formere kingdom of Armenie, the whichhe hath been ytaak from Oure rightful soverentee by the handes of the Mameluk Turkes.

And yet ther is oon othir matir – ther are manye huge sums of coine and silver plate that We hadde ystored abroade at the tyme of Oure capture. Yn facte, the totale sum of riches still stored yn Oure name doth exceed MMMMMMMMM poundes.

We haue founde thy contacte informacioun thurgh Oure owen personale research, and aas a drowninge man doth reche for ony branche, We haue sette pon the counsel of rechynge thee thurgh email. We pplace grete cohnfidence in thee, hence thys Royale email to thee.

Due to the cruel shackles in which We are ybounde, lik to an newe Prometheus wyth the vulture of despayre gnawinge Oure liver ech daye whanne We thynke of Oure formere glorie and Oure fallen reaume, We kan nat go diretlie to an ATM.

We wolde be verye grateful if thou couldst receyve the various summes of moneye due to Oure royal persone and taak hem into thy safe keepynge. Ower agentes abroade will be in contacte with thee as soon as securite ys set uppe.

Oones We do manage to escape, We hope to settle somewhere plesaunte, perhaps Englande for a while, and We shal receyve ayein the moneye whiche thou hast deposited, whilst yivinge unto thee a sum of thirty out of everie hundred poundes for thyn labour and thy loyaltee.

We will require thy telephone and fax numbres and thy banke accounte informacioun so that Oure chamberlain may transfer the moneyes unto thee. We wolde gretely appreciate yf thou wouldst accepte Oure proposal yn goode faith. Plese exepedite action by sendinge thyn replie to Oure chamberlaines email addresse infra.

chamberlaindeleo1133114@hotmail.com

En foi et espoyr

LEO VI D’ARMENIE

IIII. A warnynge of cruciale importaunce!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: CHURLWATCHERES (reeve@oxenforde.aca.uk)
RE: BEWARE GOOD TYMES!

Heere ys some importaunte informacioun. Be thee ware of a messangere ycleped ‘Good Tymes.’ He ys travelinge yn the vicinitee of Londoun and Southwarke, recentlie scapede from Oxenforde. Yf a messangere hight ‘Good Tymes’ knocketh at thy doore, yive nat entrie vnto hym! For he shalle robbe thee of thy movables and likeli stele the herte of thy wyf. He ys a foule churle that oones wente by the name of Nicholas, a clerke, and he hath mazid manye a goode soule wyth hys false talke of floodes and astrologie, and even convinced sum to lokke themselves yn tubbes whil he hadde his churlishe waye wyth hir yonge and gent wyves.

V. An appeale to the lustes of the bodi!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: BROKERES OF GRETE PORNE (spintrian1949@grapelane.co.uk)
RE: HOTTE HOTTE ACCIOUN

WITNESSE THE HOTTESTE ACCIOUN AVAILABLE ONLYNE!

ONLIE 1s./daye

LADYES OF SPAYNE AND ITALYE, MADEMOYSELLES OF FRAUNCE, GIRLES OF WESTWALE AND ALEMAINE, DAMES OF ENGELOND

– ALLE WYTH FAYRE FOREHEEDS AND WELL-YWIMPLED! HOTTE COURTLIE ACCIOUN! GENTIL TALKE OF HAWKYNGE AND THE LORE OF CUPIDE, THE DOUN-FALLE OF THEBES AND OTHIR MATIRS OF WISDAM! SOFTE AND CHASTE BUSSYNGE ON THE MOUTHE AFTIR LONGE TOURNEYS!

AND FOR BASER AND CHURLISHE FOLKE, LYVE WEBCAMES OF INNES OF THE STEWES, IN WHICH THE ACTE OF VENUS YS DOON YN APERT FOR THYNE EYEN ONLIE. ALLE THE FRESHESTE STARRES, INCLUDYNGE ELEANOR RYKENER. TALES OF NERO AND CALIGULE AND OF THE MI NIGHTES OF ARABYE, AS WEL AS EXTRA-RANDYE FABLIAUX FROM FRAUNCE NEW IMPORTEDE.

VI. And finallie, fortune doth smile vpon me!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: FORTUNA MAIOR (audacesiuvat777@societastoletana.ed.sp)
RE: WORDES OF MUCHE POWERE

The anciente charme of the Romanes

SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS

Thou shalt receyve goode fortune withyn foure dayes of receyvynge thys charme of lucke in thy emaile, but onli yf thou passe yt on to X othir peple.

Edward Kynge of Englande Thirde of That Name did recyve this charme yn emaile in 1346 and sente yt to ten of hys mooste noble barouns and WITHIN DAYES he dide haue a grete victorie at the battel of Crecy.

Richard Lyons merchante did receyve thys charme yn emaile in 1376 and did nat sende yt to anyone and WITHIN DAYES he was accusid of foule corrupcioun in Parliament.

Also thos who passe on thys charme shal be immune to the black deathe!

34 Comments:

Anonymous j2 said...

YOU SURE GET SOME WACKY EMAIL

SO WACKY


..WACKY

mercredi, 24 mai, 2006  
Blogger Harley said...

thyn emailes be manye... thou mightst looke into ye spamme blockere which many prowydres of ymaile doth offere. and specially ye maile of g, which hath spamme blockere of good sortes, yseparating ye good tidynge from ye badde.

mercredi, 24 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

your blog is the most astounding thing i have ever seen.

mercredi, 24 mai, 2006  
Blogger Dakiwiboid said...

Fair master Chaucer, certes goode fortune shall be thine, for full manye more thann X persones have seen the Ancient Charme of the Romanes!

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Emily said...

Ich wolde that ich might receiue emailes lyke ynto thyn!

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Lea said...

Order AUGMENTULA todaye

*sporfleth lyk oon that were woode*

Methynketh that, even yf ye spammeres seke to cozen gentil folk of their moneye, thys oon showeth a ryght gode wit in hys use of the Latyn toonge!

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"spamme blockere"

"ye spammeres"

Ich do wondir muche -- whatte beth thys spamme of which so manye of yow speke? Sureleye ye do nat calle my owene private messages aftir a brande of dubious meat producte?

Le Vostre

GC

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Blogger Another Damned Medievalist said...

Eleanor Rykener??? I hope she stays in Southwark, and out of the stables of London.

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"Eleanor Rykener??? I hope she stays in Southwark, and out of the stables of London."

Yt ys a coincidence ful straunge, for ich dide oones meet a "John Rykener" faste by the stables.

Le Vostre

GC

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Evil Steve said...

respek chaucer. i iz takin on da hot tips. bigup.

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Maistre Chavcer, yt ben moost cleere that thou receivest manie e-mails which seek to part thee from thyn uuell-ernede seluer. Ich uuolde most hvmblie aduise that thou takest the aduice of harley and maken vse of a spamme-blokkere.

Ich uuolde most vrgently adujse thee nat to putten thyn truste in the pvrported Leon of Armenie. He that thee ysent this message is a fraustre of Kano or Sokoto in Paynimrie and a practiciouner of the criminous art yclept CCCCIX.

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Lirazel said...

Maistre Chavcer, be not thou amazed that we, thi readeres, du speke to thee of "spamme". For, iuste as ye makeres of dubious meate productes redest not to thee whatte matter of meate they wouldesdow eaten of, so thou rekest not whatte manner of men or of wymen they be who endictest to thee such messauges.

For certes,(tho I speke not of personal knowledgge) thou hast no use for thysse AUGMENTULA, nor woldesdow serve eny kingge other than ower gode King Richard, were the fortune to be attainded never so grate. And certes, thou nedest not eny of these other thingges.

So plain it is, these persouns sendest thee messages at, as it were, a venture, to see if thou, like eny fule, can be parted from thi coin. They send the lyke messauges to myself, who, being femayle, have even lesse need of thys muckle nonsensse.

Be wary, gode maister, and harken not to such loons as these!

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Mon Cher FSJL, Ma Chere Lirazel,

Yf my power of comprehensioun extendeth ytselfe adequatlie unto yower messages, ye saye to me that thes messages ben litel more than japes and false cautels for to parte me from my moneye?

O wo! O sorwe!

Ich dide thynke that ich coude evrye skil and gile of the internette, but nowe ich am deceyved. Yt makth myn herte suffre sore and egre payne for to thynke of my cluelessnesse.

O, ich dide imagyne thatte Adalia of Susa was a fayre mayde of a merveilous contree, and were yt nat for Philippa ich wolde haue responded to Adalia as myn verye trewe amor de lonh -- and ich dide thynke that thexilede Kynge of Armenee dide reallye sende an message vnto me askynge for succour, like to a thynge rede yn a romauns. And as for thothers; ywis, ich am contente wyht myn owene plogh and ich care litel for the stewes, but stille yt was a thynge of muche solaas and humoure for to receyve those messages, the whiche ich dide thynke were ysent by good-naturede peple.

Foole that ich am, ich haue lette myn fancie run offe wyth my wittes. Grant merci to yow for correctynge me, thogh lyk vnto a foolish yonge louere ich wolde fayne be yet uncorrectede, so that ich mighte thynke of the lippes of fayre maydens and the baneres of orient kinges.

Ye shalle nevir convince me of the falsitee of the charme of the romaynes -- ich dide sende yt vnto my coterie and WITHIN A DAYE ich was callid to serue yn Parlement, the whiche is a matir of gret honor and addeth to my renoun.

Stultitia hominis conditio, et spes saepe confusio stulti,

Le Vostre

GC

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

I would pay a lot of money for an Eleanor Rykener shirt.

Just sayin'.

jeudi, 25 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

You sir, are brilliant

vendredi, 26 mai, 2006  
Blogger HumbleAuthor said...

ROTA TARO ORAT TORA ATOR!

vendredi, 26 mai, 2006  
Blogger Les said...

Thou scribest myne most favored blouge upon ye internets.

vendredi, 26 mai, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"I would pay a lot of money for an Eleanor Rykener shirt.

Just sayin'."

Ich do yive vnto thee the worldes firste rykener fan clubbe shirte: Looke heere!

amicus/a tuus/a

Le Vostre

GC

vendredi, 26 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Zarquon said...

So who is your hot tip for the World Tourney of Footballe?

samedi, 27 mai, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Quoth Zarquon

So who is your hot tip for the World Tourney of Footballe?



Myn owne opinion ben that ye yonge menne of Trinité & Tobage shovlde doe rihte welle.

samedi, 27 mai, 2006  
Blogger mare said...

maistre chaucer,

goode sir, thine blogge is truelie a thynge of moste woundrous renowkne.
verilye, a thynge of deepere wit ich have nevere yet glympssed on the webbe of internette.

ich also woulde fayne dysagree wyth maistre fsjl onne the worlde tournoi of footballe : ich muste supporte the yonge menne of la belle france.

ich remayne your moste humble servante,

lady mare

samedi, 27 mai, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Most nooble lady mare:

Mayhap thou hast the right of it. Natheless, I wend this morne to the fair isle of La Trinité, home of the fabled Soca Warriors, and it would most churlish ben iffe ich didde nat these yong men praisen.

dimanche, 28 mai, 2006  
Blogger mare said...

good maistre fslj,

ich wouldst nat dysparadge the fayre yonge menne of la trinite. inne yonne footballe tournoi manie thyngs unforeseene doth occurre... hence the joie of thysse sporte. ich would watch yonne teame wyth ynteresste.

dimanche, 28 mai, 2006  
Anonymous Zarquon said...

For me, my heart is with the Menne of Australie but my head says they will be no match for the Magicians of Hybraseal.

dimanche, 28 mai, 2006  
Blogger Tai said...

I doth laugheth out loud.

lundi, 29 mai, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Noobl ladie Mare:

Ich have fro the faire isle of La Triniτé (also yclept Trinidado) returned, and muste reporte that the entire people of that ilond are most eager to see their warriors play in the worlde tournie.

lundi, 05 juin, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Zarquon: In verie sooth, the Magicians of Hybraseal are the menne to baten.

lundi, 05 juin, 2006  
Blogger Nortius Maximus said...

Plangant Anglorum gentes crimen Sodomorum;
Paulus fert, horum sunt idola causa malorum.
Surgunt ingrati Giazitae, Simone nati,
Nomine praelati, hoc defensare parati.
Qui reges estis, populis quicunque praeestis,
Qualiter hiis gestis gladiis prohibere potestis?

{ Ich atte
http://www.luc.edu/publications/medieval/vol16/16ch7.html
haven found }

Showe thy sonne thys an yt pleseth. Mathinketh me itt moght be suyited to an CCMVII drum tracke one y manerre Scholasticus Ancestrus (pardonne mine fecklish Latin).

Be fvl werey Meeastre Chauserr -- this "Jon" thou'st mete beent thy kin nor kynde... Gowere indeede moght betere the use of hy(m/r) meke. Belike hys cognomen might shift from "Wankere" Gowere onto "Reach-round" Gowere, yffe thou mine drift do catchet.

-- Nortius Maximus

lundi, 05 juin, 2006  
Anonymous rdbrewer said...

This was an entry in a Poetry Smackdown at AceOfSpadesHQ: http://ace.mu.nu/archives/124418.php


The Prologue

Whan that Ayce's arid throate did parch

The draught of lager he hath perced to the hearte,

And bathed every veyne in swich licour

Of which Fosters engendered in his core.

Then his Plymouth Furye squeeked a sharp breeth

And inspired Ayce to holt fast the brakes

He mowed down croppes and longe roadsignes

And hath rammed half his cows though on the ruine

And smale fowelies who maken no more melodye.

Then he slepen al the nyght with an open ye

(so prickethed hem Ayce about his Plymouth Furye);

Thanne longen folk to goon to polyce,

For to seken to limit his bendyrs straunge;

To take hem away from his surly blondes.

And specially take him from every shires' ende

Of New Yorke to Cleveland where he will wende.

The hooly blisful martir had he disgusted,

That hem hath holpen to seke whan totally busted.

So he goeth the pub three sessions per day,

Then an alley in south Cleveland he lay.

Unredy to wenden on pilsner legs...

But maybe to Yorke with ful stout kegs!

At nyght he came to a youth hostelrye

With nyne and twenty young blonde ladies.

Of sondry folk, lovelie and talle,

In felaweshipe with Pygmies were they alle.

Men from Yorke they wolden't ryde,

Their organ chambres were much too wyde.

And wel they found out he cameth not from east,

And bedded him shortly, whan the sonne was to reste.

So Sadde they were with him now goon,

He thrue them a twenty and drove toward the dawn.

dimanche, 11 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Bewaer the Spamme, fore yt hath taken the lyves, money and computeres of manye gode men and womyn. Surely yt wowld be a grete los yf yow weer overcoom by thys grete evile. Yt wowld benifyt thee gretely to use a “Spamme Blocker.” Y beg ofe thee, hede myne adwyce!

vendredi, 19 octobre, 2007  
Blogger William Langland said...

Ich can testifie to the power of AUGMENTULA. Yt is pwerful stvff. Piers hath biggere plow thanne evir bifore!!

samedi, 31 janvier, 2009  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Alas, Yt semes as tho the myght of the internettes is so greet that even to oon of such reputte as thou can't prevent thyne emaille box from becoming filled wyth messages from stronge sweedes who doth devise to enhanse the syze of thy plow. Can yt be that no wight is saffe from the plague of spamme malles? tys a shamme, for sooth.

vendredi, 20 février, 2009  
OpenID umbstudent1 said...

Chaucer, stay away from these type of e-mails! You remind me of my mother--infatuated with new technology, but ready to trust anyone on it. I once knew a maiden who paid one such an emailor three hundred dollars to go on a 'cruise' to Las Vegas. If you are unfamiliar with the geography, Las Vegas is land-locked. Try not to let this happen to you dear Geoffry. I'd hate to see you become a sucker, unless it be at my hand.

-Merchant

vendredi, 27 avril, 2012  
Blogger Caroline Helstone said...

Good greetings, Master Chaucer. Were all these missives writ in a modern tongue, or didst thou transcribe them in thine own tongue? I beg thy pardon, for my skill at thy language is none to praise, and thus I have adopted the speech of Master Shakespeare.

dimanche, 13 mai, 2012  

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