jeudi, juin 15, 2006

The Ocks Menne

O THE SWETE DAYES of somer are wel vpon us nowe, and longen foolke to heare of superheroes, and storyes of aventure, of menne and womene wyth capes and funnye maskes who haue poweres. Ywis, ich do awaite with grete anticipacioun the openynge daye of ‘Super-manne Returneth,’ and ich was blowene awey to heare that ther shalle be IV (counte hem! IV!) villaines yn the newe filme of the Spidere-Manne.

And thus ich haue sette aboute creatynge myn owene superheroes. Yt ys ful plesaunte to sitte and thynke of tales of marvelles al the while reclyngge in an adirondacke chayre yn myn Kentishe garden wyth the juyce of mojito. In but a fewe dayes ich haue createde enogh storyes of superhero to fille manye a graphic nouele, feature filme or eek tie-in video game.

Peraventure, oones ich do complete the Tales of Canterburye, ich shalle sette aboute enditynge the noble tale of...

THE OCKS MENNE
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Noble heroes from al estates of the kyngdom aren broughte togedir by Professir William of Ockham, yclepede PROFESSIR OCKS, who beth confynede to a wheelchayre syn that daye longe agoon when he dide soore wounde hym selfe wyth a deadlie razor of hys owene makynge. He doth seeke oute folke wyth speciale poweres of magicke, who shal kepe reson and justice in the reaume. Thei do fighte ayeinst the evil JOHANNES GOWERE (who hath no powere othere than to produce boredom, the whiche ys dedely enogh).

Ich presente to yow, the Ocks Menne:

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‘THE PERLE MAYDEN’: Thys ghoostlye spirite of a yonge girle weareth a comeleye garmente alle of perlez. She hath the powere to kepe eny manne engagede yn difficulte and intricatlie rhymynge spirituale discussion for seuerale dayes on ende.

‘THE COMMUNE VOYS’: Thys right large manne hath an necke ymaad of iren and steele, the whiche kan be nat struck by no wepne. Beynge immune to beheadynge, he ys the onlie manne who hath no feare of speakynge the truthe yn parlement. Yn episode XII, Johannes Gowere doth trye to appropriate ‘The Commune Voys’ but ys defeatede by his owene inherente elitisme.

PIERS THE PLOUGHMAN: Piers the Ploughman hath litel memorie of his birthe and rearynge, for he was the subjecte of a toppe-secret governmente experimente, the ‘PLOUGHMAN X’ programme. Chancerye dide turne Pieres yn to the perfecte ploughman, to replace those who dide perisshe yn the grete pestilence. Thei dide putte plowes yn Peres’s handes, and dide yive hym the powir of regeneracioun yn caas he be ytrodden vpon by the oxene of the feeldes. Pieres made hys escape, and nowe doth labore on hys ploughe for us alle and showe us the waye of pilgrimage to truthe. Hys motto: “Ich am the beste ther ys at what ich do, and what ich do ich do for commun profit and the loue of Christ. Also ich kicke ass.”

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BEVIS OF HAMTON : Bevis of Hamton ys a mighti knighte, thogh he speketh nat yn the maner of gentil folke.

’PICATRIX’: Thys crafty Saracen magician doth come from Spayne. He ys mayster of magicke of the sterres. Wyth no thyng more than the kidneyes of a wolfe and a smalle figure of two toades jumpynge, he kan create enmitee bitwene thos who oones were freendes. He kan eek remoeve grisly rokkes blakke that hinder shippes from the see, and oft doth so to winne the loue of ladyes.

’THE HUMAN ABACUS’: Thys manne hath an abacus for an heede, and thus ys ful skillede at summes of nombres and calculaciouns. He knoweth the date of Easter for the nexte MMMM yeeres. He kan do the woole custoume accountes yn oon halfe of oon seconde, and thus his mariage ys ful blisful for he beth nat ycalled a ‘workaholic.’ The Human Abacus was an normal manne lyk thou or ich, but thenne oon daye he was ybit by an radioactive abacus.

’ANONYMOUS’: Trewelye a thynge of fayerye, Anonymous ys sum tyme a manne, and sum tyme a woman, and eek sum tyme a large masse of peple – in the laste of those similitudes Anonymous doth brynge forthe large-scale sociale and politicale innovaciouns withoute leavynge eny trace. Whanne not y-fightynge euil, Anonymous writeth a grete dele of poetrie.

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‘THE RECLUSE’: Thys braue ladye kan nat be harmede for she ys wallede uppe yn a churche wyth no exit and onlie a smalle windowe out of whiche to looke and dispense spirituale counsel. Yn episode XLII, Gower shalle trye to deprive her of supplies of foode and watir for to slaye her, but the jape shal be on hym: she ys ful accousomede to fastynge for the grete sorwe and devocioun she hath to oure lorde.

THE YONGE MAGICALE BOWMEN FROGGES: Thes IV frogges dide swimme yn the streme nere an alchesmistes hous and thus touched by sorcerie did wexe large and stronge un til they weren as talle as men. Thei weren trayned by an hedgehog ycleped Shivere and haue lernede the artes of werre for to defende Engelonde. Augustinus doth fight with an longebowe, Ambrosius wyth an shorte bowe, Gregorius wyth two crossbowes, and Hieronymus doth kepe the arwes for the reste. Thei dwellen yn the seweres undir Londoun and eten blancmange wyth much relishe.

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’KALAMAZOO’: Thys doughty knight kan gadir an hooste of werre of manye scolers, the whiche aren of litel use yn combat but might serue to distracte the enemye while the reste of the Ocks Menne do defuse a bombe or kille a large monstere. Kalamazoo hath the powere to intoxicate eny manne or woman at wille, wyth a depe and grete intoxicacioun that doth laste for dayes. Hys secrete hideoute ys a magicale place ycleped ‘Michigan.’

...and forget nat to sende yn yower entries for the photographie conteste!!

21 Comments:

Blogger J J Cohen said...

Please consider creating the BEVIS OF HAMTON T-shirt -- perhaps even one with his sidekick, the doughty Sir Butthead.

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Blogger Ivy said...

Chere LeVostreGC, thou giveth muchel delighte.

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Virago said...

I second what JJC said. Please!

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Lirazel said...

Truly, Maistre Chaucer, thys sommer divercioun will be of grete delighte. Ywis thu wouldest now create ye menne of euil magik and ye monstres gainst wich thi herroes must battel; for merely to be enticed to deathly slepe by boredomme is no doom greter thanne ich sometimes finde i'th churche of a Sunday.

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Mon Cher JJC et Ma Chere Doctor Viragoe,

Yower poyntez about a t-shirt of Sire Bevis are goode, but ich do worrye about the rightes of copye. Wolde yt be ayeinst the statutez of yower contree for me to make sum smal profite off of the image of Sire Bevis, or wolde yt qualifye as fayre use (for ich haue ysketchede the image myn selfe and putte yt in to a gretely different contexte)? Ich knowe mostlie of the lawes of feudale tenure and merchandise, nat of copy rightes.

As for 'Sir Butthead,' ich do believe ye are referrynge to 'Guy of Warwick.'

Le Vostre
GC

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Anonymous richard, seconde of that name, kynge said...

Ich cannot beleeve that thou hast left oute of this most honourable accompt the name of the greetest super heroe of them alle, Ricardus Rex Angliæ.

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"Ich cannot beleeve that thou hast left oute of this most honourable accompt the name of the greetest super heroe of them alle, Ricardus Rex Angliæ."

My trespuissant liege Lorde,

Thes superheroes that ich do write of are mostlie ficcions and thynges of fantayse. Ye, my lord, are a trewe and reale superhero, existinge yn thys worlde as surelie as prester john doth, as my pooste on yower mighti deedes dide showe.

Le Vostre
GC

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Anonymous richard, seconde of that name, kynge said...

My trespuissant liege Lorde,

Thes superheroes that ich do write of are mostlie ficcions and thynges of fantayse. Ye, my lord, are a trewe and reale superhero, existinge yn thys worlde as surelie as prester john doth, as my pooste on yower mighti deedes dide showe.

Le Vostre
GC


Thou saiest well, maistre Chavcer, yet it seemeth me that ich haue seen thise Ocks Menne in ane vision trewe, and, therefore, thart failing in thyn propre seruice to thyn kynge. Houueuer, ich am bedevilled by ane wanker yclept Gowere and so do forgiven thee.

jeudi, 15 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Sin said...

I think I am now officially in love with you. That was genius.

vendredi, 16 juin, 2006  
Blogger Gwan said...

Ich thoughte the powere of Piers Plowman laide in his magicke armoure

vendredi, 16 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Evil Steve said...

me 'n lowys is tossin' h'a pair of well-clipped bits in da hat fer bein' in da h'Ocks Posse. We iz hopin' to be da Wilde Lyoun (me) and da Stille Stoon (lowys)

respek :)

vendredi, 16 juin, 2006  
Anonymous lit said...

Would there be copyright issues with the Pearl-Maiden, do you suppose?

/pathetic d0rk

vendredi, 16 juin, 2006  
Anonymous hum said...

this blog is the most awesome find of my week. you win!

vendredi, 16 juin, 2006  
Blogger An Anglo-Catholic said...

Greetings, noble Mayster Chaucere from thys humble monke of the VIII centurie (later ycleped Venerabilis)... Aye, the faire somer ys grete vpon us, and ich longe to heare tales of thys nature. Wher, thu myest aske, hath ich been thes manie longe yeres? Ich muste confes, ich knoe wel the mysticall place called 'Michigan' and euen the place called "Kalamazoo'. Ich haue tarried ther manie a yere, and ich now haue nowe gone hence. Yt ys a pitie that thu knoest not mee personalie, on account of myn untimelie departure from thys worlde. So please do excuse mee while ich becom acquainted wyth thys straunge tounge, and thy assistanunce ys most appreciated. Kepe uppe wyth thy tales of fantasie and ficcioun, they are moste enioyable.

Moste happie wyshes,

Baeda, later ycleped Venerabilis

samedi, 17 juin, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Virago said...

Hmm, yes, copyright. But parody comes under fair use, no?

As for 'Sir Butthead,' ich do believe ye are referrynge to 'Guy of Warwick.'

Or perhaps Havelok the Dane.

dimanche, 18 juin, 2006  
Blogger Heather Meadows said...

Awesome. I love "Anonymous" :)

dimanche, 18 juin, 2006  
Blogger Will McLean said...

I see that you say nothinge of the superheroe Everyman, and that I can well understande, for he is somedele tediouse. But to say nothinge of the Green Knight! His verray secrete identitie as Sir Bertilak doth pass the notice of alle, for he wears a pair of spectacles so that nonne may know him by his face. But he punishes evil doers who are foresworn, and tests them with many tests, and the frontal nuditie of his faire wyf, and makes them ashamed that they are not true. And whenne the evil Saracens hold him in duress, and say "Hah, Sir Knight, we shall cut off thy head" he does but smyle.

vendredi, 23 juin, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"But to say nothinge of the Green Knight!"

Mayster Will, thou hast me outdone! Were ich an editour at D.C. Comiques or a producer of hollywoode, ich wolde offir thee a contracte, toute suite, for yower tale of the Grene Knight.

Le Vostre
GC

vendredi, 23 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Ich haue herde of this Kalamazoo, meyhapp in the Accounte of the Trauels of John Maundeuille, neare the Launde of the Dogg-Heddes? Memorie hath departed...

lundi, 02 octobre, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Please bring back the amazing images of the Ocks Menne! The photobucket links are no longer there! Pretty please, oh great and wonderful GC?

samedi, 10 octobre, 2009  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Administracioun hath y-doon ben, and thes ymages are nowe actif agein. Muchel thankes for yower informacioun of their absence.

Many thinges are afoot in the world, peraventure sum surprising thing shal come about soon.

Wyth gretest loue and affecioun for yow alle

Le Vostre

GC

samedi, 24 octobre, 2009  

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