vendredi, juin 23, 2006

She's yonge, she's sexie, she's riche: Interviewe wyth Parys

Philippa hath pleadede for manye a daye that ich fynde a waye to brynge in more cash. The house in Kente ys trewelye a ‘fixere-uppere’ and a growthe spurte semeth to haue ycome to litel Lowys, for he devoureth al the mete and drinke so that the reste of my meynee kan scarce fynde a morsel or a droppe. The office of Justice of the Pees is right honourable, but it bringeth in litel or no income.

Ich haue alwey thoghte myself to be a writer, so ich shal attempte to take on sum freelaunce worke. Syn ich do knowe manye a noble lord and ladye, ich shal write articles for chronicles of societee and fashioun. Here ys my firste attempte. A fayre ladye of courte dide journeye to Kente with her retinue, and Philippa managid to score me sum interviewe tyme. May it plese ye gentil folke to correcte eny mistakes heere, and then ich shalle sende it off to ‘mademoiselle’ or ‘vogue’ or peraventure ‘puple’...
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PARYS LAUNCECRONA nedeth nat an introduccioun to gentil folke – but ye churles who lyve in smal holes and knowe nat of societee, knowe that Parys beth the daughter of an riche stewarde and hosteler of Boheme, who dide yplace her yn the courte of Anne of Bohemia. Syn gode Queene Anne hath come to Englande to wedde Kyng Richarde, Parys hath ben the talke of Londoun. The merchant Nichol Brembre hath seyde that ‘a feeste withoute Paris ys lyk a Lombard wythout redy cash.’ And the very paragon of fashion Michael de la Pole did recentlie remarke: ‘Yt maketh litel difference if we winne Fraunce, for mooste of vs haue alredy taken Parys.’ The croniclez do reporte that she hath been sene ycanoodlinge with no lessere a lemman than Robert de Vere, the hippe, yonge favourite of Kyng Richarde and of late the Marquis of Ireland (and eek, o scandale! a man yweddede to a grand-dogther of grete King Edward).

Galfridus Chaucer: Thou waitest upon-

Parys Launcecrona: Ye –

GC: Ich do begge pardon. Ye waite upon Gode Queene Anne, yet ye do manye othir projectes. How wolde ye descriven yower crafte and place in societee?

PL: ‘Tis harde to saye. Lyk, ich am a woman of businesse, ich am an actresse, ich do inspyre men of chivalrie to noble deedes, ich do founde chantries ful of preestes who praye for the soule of my chihuahua who of late did perisshe.

GC: Telle me aboute a daye yn the lyfe of Parys Launcecrona.

PL: Ywis, Y do rise from my bowere and do washe myn selfe, and then, lyk, Y throwe the watir doun to the strete for to coole the browes of poore men and labourers. For Y am lyk alle aboute the charitee. Then Y do haue meetynges. Y do pose for peyntures for advertisementes or woodcuttes for croniclez, or Y do planne the newe seson for my showe of televisione...

GC: ‘The Lyf Symple?’

PL: The same. This seson we shalle go to a poore village the which hath had manye a yeere of dearth. And oure retinue shal lyk buye uppe al of ther beestes and corne that yet remayne, and we shal feaste vs fyne and passinge wel vpon those provisounes, and thenne we shalle mock the peasantz for their churlishe wayes as al the while hunger and nede do dryve them to desperacioun. We shal lyk make manye japes and jokes about the rough and foule visages of the peasantz, the whiche do shewe that thes churlez aren descendid from the lessir son of Noah and aren righftulli oure servaunts and we rightfulli the maysters. And yt shal be a rockinge good tyme wyth bikinis and sum hotte fashiones and mowre cleavage than thou kanst shoot a trebuchet at.

GC: And wher shal thys seson be yfilmed?

PL: The laste two seasonses we haue done yn Engelonde, but this oon shal be in Somerset.

GC: Do ye rede of the broadsheetes and the chroniclez to see what ys written of yow?

PL: Sum tyme if a chronicle hath an illuminacioun, Y wil chekke it oute to see how cute Y looke. But mooste of that writynge ys so smal and hard to rede. Thes clerkes and writeres and makeres of poesie aren such losers. Y do haue much hatrede in my herte for thos folke who lyk sitte as stoones lyk al daye and al nighte for to write of riche and noble lyves that thei shal nevir haue. Thei aren alle probablie custoum house officiales or sum thynge!

GC: Do ye rede of blogges?

PL: Y do nat wante to get too close or Y mighte falle in.

GC: Whate saye ye?

PL: Y do not wante to falle in the blogge. Also, blogges smelle nastie. And ful oft ther ys sum Pict at the bottom of the blogge who is all lyk mummifiede.

GC: What occupacioun dide ye dreme of whanne ye were a yonge girle?

PL: Saynte. Kanst thou beleve yt? Y totallye wantede to be a saynte. But thenne Y dide discouer that seyntez aren supposid to yive up the worlde and to spende their lives in werkes of devocioun and charitee. And so Y thoghte: ‘that sucketh’ and Y decidede to be riche insteade. So nowe Y haue bought manye a beggare, who Y do feede at my cost, and eftimes Y do commaunde them to thanke and prayse me so that Y feele lyk a seynte - but Y kan yet swyve and drynke depe of wyn and snorte the poudre of cockayne, the whiche no Seyntez do. For telle me, litel man, who beth the patron seynt of cocayne?

GC: Ther beth none, my ladye.

PL: Exactemundo, Jeffie.

GC: Nowe ich am goynge to seye a fewe wordes, and yf it plese ye, ye maye responde wyth the firste thynge that cometh yn to yower hede whanne ye heare the worde that ich saye.

PL: Okaye, go for yt.

GC: The Black Deeth?

PL: Bad skin. Lyk, thank Godde they dye bifor it gets worse.

GC: Chivalrie?

PL: Hotte dudes killinge ech othir.

GC: Kyng Richarde?

PL: Y wolde kille to haue hys makeup artiste.

GC: Professirs of literature?

PL: Vntil they owene up to havynge no ethical use, ich shal nat respecte them.

GC: Confessioun?

PL: Hotness. My friare-confessour is sooo hotte. Lyk, he beth so hotte that thou nedest to put fowere of the letter t in ‘hotttte.’ Nay, more. Adam Pinkhurste kan nat make a fancie-enow lookynge ‘t’ to convey the temperature of thys franciscan. Caxton hath not t’s enow in hys case of lettres to shewe how hot this friare ys. His in principio is insayne! O, pardon! Ich was so distractede. Ich lyk totallie lost myselfe. Hastow anothir worde for me, man?

GC: Nay, me thinketh that ys good enogh. Nevir in this interview haue ye been more wel spokene than yn this descrivynge of yower confessour. Now ich wolde aske of yower grete fame. Manye a yonge ladye both noble born and lowe doth stryve to emulate yow in dresse and manner, and manye a yonge manne of all estates doth wisshe ferventlye that yow were hys paramour. Why are ye so popular? What do ye thynke ys yower appeale?

PL: Y am lyk a princesse.

GC: And yet with al respecte, thou –

PL: Ye.

GC: Ye come nat of blood royale...

PL: Silence, churl! Thinkstow that hath eny bearynge? Yt ys all aboute whate peple weare and who they knowe. Ther aren no divisions eny more. Hastow nat rede that tradiciounal feudal bondes aren breakynge doun yn to a cashe economy? It usid to be lyk ‘those who pray, those who fight, and those who werke’ – but nowe yt ys lyk, ‘those who werke...and me.’

(at this tyme two large knightez of Paryses retinue dide haule me off by my shouldres. rederes kan offir sum solace for my bruised armes by sendynge in entries for the photographie conteste)

28 Comments:

Blogger Marve said...

Yt maketh litel difference if we winne Fraunce, for mooste of vs haue alredy taken Parys.


O, snappe!

vendredi, 23 juin, 2006  
Blogger An Anglo-Catholic said...

Lyk, O myn Godde! Suche hotte accioun afote in thys iuornall! Ich am proude to reporte that whyle manie haue teken Parys, ich haue not yete had the pleasure... Bute who am Y to speke of suche thynges, ich am bute an uenerable monke...

vendredi, 23 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Pseudonymous Carp said...

Bodacious!

vendredi, 23 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

I love it!

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Wherefore, maistre Chaucer, hastow so debased thyn penne as to seek avdience of thisse denizen of the stewes? Kyng Richarde doth owe thee muche seluer and eke goold, and thou hast hym weel yserved.

Besides, if thou wantest to publish the woordes of ane celebrated ladye, Dame Bette de Midler is ever willing to speke with the menne of the prees.

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Blogger Sally's Life said...

Comment from the Shires in 21C:

I see from King Richard's comment that times have not changed; owing money is one thing, actually paying it would save good Mr Chaucer from such ignominy.

However 'needs must when the devil drives' results in fab entertainment and Mr Chaucer's blog is far superior in subject and reportage to 'Hello' magazine or some other such likely source of His Majesty's intelligence of Bette, who is not as famous or entertaining as the true Dame, Judy Dench.

I hope this translates truly so that King Richard might get his royal finger out.

I trust my understanding of time travel and blogging etiquette protects me from any resulting Royal Huff.

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Anonymous richard, seconde of that name, kynge said...

We commaunde Owre high sherriffe of Disshire to seken out ane recreant, yclept Sally, and hir imprisoun for that she doth intend tresovn ayeinst Owre Royalle Personne. All hir estates shall vnto Galfridus de Chavcer, knicht of the covntie of Kente be deliuered, for the bettir encovraging of the art literaire.

Given bi Owre Hande atte Westminstre,

Ricardus, Rex Angliæ

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

I would humbly like to ask (in modern English if I may) what you think of the many varieties of real and cod-Middle English you have spawned, both here and over on the feed at LiveJournal:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/chaucerhathblog/10904.html

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Blogger Will McLean said...

She wore hir hemlines verray, verray hye
And sikerly she hadde a lazy eye
As a wezel was hir body gent and small
And in hir brain there were no thoughts at al

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Blogger Sally's Life said...

Eeke, Saints preserve us and spare my wheels.

Good Mr Chaucer, plead for me, for His Magnificent Majesty King Richard did not take kindly to this fool's jape.

Besides, the welfare state of the 21C has diminished what little estate I brought to this Disability Shire.

I aint worth a bean.

(Do His Majesty's Prison facilities comply with DDA?)

samedi, 24 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

So what was she wearing?

dimanche, 25 juin, 2006  
Anonymous richard, seconde of that name, kynge said...

Nowe do wee commaund our Sheriff of Disshire to releasen, setten free, and quitten the ladye Sally who hath most piteously appeled for the royalle mercie. Besides, the Tower hath nat yet wheelchair access.

Ricardus, Rex Angliæ

jeudi, 29 juin, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Nowe do wee commaund our Sheriff of Disshire to releasen, setten free, and quitten the ladye Sally who hath most piteously appeled for the royalle mercie.

Grant merci, my trespuissant Lord,

I, Geoffrey Chaucer, shall serue as mainprise for Sallye that she shal not do or saye eny thinge that shal be judged detrimentale to yower royal honor.

GC

jeudi, 29 juin, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"I would humbly like to ask (in modern English if I may) what you think of the many varieties of real and cod-Middle English you have spawned, both here and over on the feed at LiveJournal:"

Ich do ofte rede of the commentes on livejournale, but syn ich haue no accounte ther, ich kan nat commente vpon hem.

Whatte do ich thinke? Yt ys a thinge of grete solaas to see so manye good folke correctynge hir spellynge and writinge yn the proper maner. It doth fille me wyth joye.

Le Vostre
GC

jeudi, 29 juin, 2006  
Anonymous Katherine de Swynford said...

Geffrey --

On Livejournal, thou shoulde have menes to replien to commentarie thereon, by way of Anonymous postynge, yf thou ower thy scrivener setteth hit up forto allowen swych werkes.

jeudi, 29 juin, 2006  
Anonymous richard, seconde of that name, kynge said...

Nowe do wee commaund our Sheriff of Disshire to releasen, setten free, and quitten the ladye Sally who hath most piteously appeled for the royalle mercie.

Grant merci, my trespuissant Lord,

I, Geoffrey Chaucer, shall serue as mainprise for Sallye that she shal not do or saye eny thinge that shal be judged detrimentale to yower royal honor.

GC

Yt hath been graunted, Maistre Chaucer. None shall sey that we, Richard II, have nate merci.

Whatte sayest thou, however, to the transferre of all the estates of the bases Iohannes Gower unto thee?

jeudi, 29 juin, 2006  
Blogger Sally's Life said...

I am most grateful to Master Chaucer for his Pleadings to His Gracious Majesty King Richard, on my behalf.

Master Chaucer displays great understanding of my circumstances and his willingness to take responsibility for my future conduct will not be taken advantage of.

The speed with which His Most Merciful Majesty King Richard showed understanding of the circumstances of this inhabitant of Disability Shire, is a lesson to the elected rulers of the 21C.

This dilatory publishing of my gratitude I trust will be understood and ascribed to my own pressing responsibilities.

I wish Master Chaucer success in his endeavours to supplement his income from other more fruitful sources.

mardi, 04 juillet, 2006  
Anonymous Sir Ryck Solomoun said...

Ich ynvite everichoon to seeken out my produccioun "Oon nyght yn Parys" with me, Ryck Solomoune, and Parys Launcecrona. This gentil knight troust that ye beth ympresed by the myght of my “Chivalrye.” Aldebest, watcheth me as I stufeth myn purse souple! Beth astonded by the newe technique of nycht visioun!

P.S Tene purcente of alles oure lucres wende to the Rede Crosse, taakynge blodde from the seke syn 1340.

jeudi, 05 octobre, 2006  
Blogger Crystabelle said...

Oh mine dominus! Iche beth, lyke, aghast to fynde Iche, Nicole Richie, was, lyke, noote approached by the honourable Geoffrey Chaucer to, lyke, speaketh in an yntervyew. Hath yt be knowne that Parys and Iche have ayeyn ben seen outte yn publyc together. Ich would have preferred to have made thys publyc announcement yn a publyched work of deer Chaucer's, but seyng Ich have ben snubbed yn preference of Parys, Ich wyll just have to se yf Rick Solomon knoweth of a more notable wryter.

dimanche, 04 février, 2007  
Anonymous Michael Hamilton said...

Ich lyked yur interviewe wyth Ms Parys Launcecrona veri much. Yf ther beth a patron seynt of cocayne, than she would certainli be yt. She sets the standarde fur vs to lyfe bi.

dimanche, 04 février, 2007  
Anonymous Spalding said...

Ich thynketh it greate that thou aren stille alive! Wostow yower interviewe wyth Parys was outrely parfit! Ich lyke her. She semes so symple and Ich respecte her.

dimanche, 04 février, 2007  
Blogger Sir Robert Wesley of Hampshire said...

Ah Parys... yf ere beth a saynte, yt woulde beth yow. Ye beth a lovly ladye, and Ich woulde love to mete yow. Let's dow lunche.

lundi, 05 février, 2007  
Anonymous Neyne said...

So meny of 'lyk'. 'Tis gobbsmeckin, Maistre Chavcer, ys yt not?

dimanche, 11 mars, 2007  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Maister Chavcer,
Parys, she hadde apele whan on The Symple Lyf, but hastow nat herd hou she hath ben in the Tower? This wezele is falle! Lat hir be, Maister Chavcer! This wenche is wylde! Goothe on, have an interviewe with me!
Alison

mercredi, 25 juillet, 2007  
Anonymous Chrystyne said...

Whatte ae dytze!

Soe thys Prynsess sowndse lyk a compleet morone. Thee entyr tyme redynge yowr yntrvuwe Y fownd mislfe sain whate shee waz sain with a faeke little “oh mi Godde” sorte ofe toon. Ys thise broaede that gorgeows? Y donte kowe howwe yow cowlde bee so calme yntrvuwynge ae gyrl lyk that. Y wowld wante toe putt mi fote ine here mowthe! Y am soe glade thate yow putt ane introe before yow gotte ryghte intoe the yntrvuwe, that was veri helpfule. Y muste sai thowghe, that thys blogge was extreemli entrtaninge. Shee wowls haav bene ae veri gode tael fore yowr famowse worke, Canterbury Taels, donte yowe agre? Thanke yow veri muche fore yowr tyme.

jeudi, 18 octobre, 2007  
Anonymous Willam Langland said...

Thys is a right trewe accounte of the abusis of oure spoyld clerkes! Yt maketh me to burne wyth muchel zealous angerre! Ich shalle taken myselven awey for to write a poeme aboute myn angerre.

samedi, 31 janvier, 2009  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Ich demen yow ful lucky to speke with swiche a sayntly and yntelligent ladye. Sikerly, yow sholde have hir helpe yow with yowr poeme about Caunterbury. Yf not, Ich am sure she wolde star in yt once yt is made into a movie.

vendredi, 20 février, 2009  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

it greate that thou aren stille alive! Wostow yower interviewe wyth Parys was outrely parfit! Ich lyke her.

mercredi, 17 mars, 2010  

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