jeudi, août 31, 2006

hotte or nat

Plese uote for me and saye that ich am hotte. Peraventure my peynture may plese nat the moderatoures (for it is a manuscripte and ich haue but litel cleavage), yet lette vs yive this a trye!

up-date: Helas! It plesede hem nat. "Sorry, the moderators decided that your picture submission is inappropriate
for HOT or NOT."

lundi, août 21, 2006

Serpentes on a Shippe! (spoylerez)

Al of Londoun ys aflame wyth newes of the grete entertaynment of 'Serpentes on a Shippe,' the which ys perfourmed ech daye by the menne of the gild of beekeeperes (and thus ys ycleped a 'b-movie'). Ich haue just nowe retourned from a trippe to see yt wyth Litel Lowys and Tommy Vske. Whan ich was ther, Tommy founde for me a copye of the romaunce in fyve chapteres on whiche the performaunce ys based, and Ich shal pooste yt heere for yower redyge. (This writer hath a verye good style - ich am reallye jealous. Oon daye, peraventure, ich shalle write sum thyng of Arthur; and yet, the matir of Troye hath alwey ben easier for me.)

Spoyler alert: If ye haue nat yet sene the performaunce of 'Serpentes on a Shippe,' rede nat of the romaunce, for it doth telle of the manye suprises and straunge eventes that happen in the course of the storye, and thus it mayhap shall lessen yower enjoiement of the performaunce yt self.



maad yn to Englysshe from the Frensshe bokes by Sir Frank Malory

chapter the ist

Hit befelle uppon a day that SIR SEAN de JEHANNE, who was a yonge knight and a gentil, dide wander as adventures wolde gyde hym nere to the fayre citee of Honolulle. He lepede on his hors from manye an heigh hille yn slowe mocioun yn the maner of a goode knighte and a valyaunte. And whan it was nyghe none, Sir Sean cam to a grete bridge that was made of oold by the Romayns, and from that bridge did hange doun-ward an eremyte whos visage was ful hewn and bledde and al his clothes and the place aboute weren bloode red. And Sir Sean askede hym what he did ther and wherefor he was hanged and who had so grievousli him woundede; ‘Fle from this place, Sir Knight,’ he seyde, ‘For the man cometh who did thes woundes to me and he is a grete kynge but a felon and a traytour and hys name is KYNGE EDICHIM and he hath doon this to me by cause ich haue stood ayeinst hys grete outrages and felonies.’

Then Sir Sean did see manye knightes comynge to that place and so he hid hymself among the bushes. And Kyng Edichim ycam wyth his knightes and dide kille the eremyte. And Sir Sean made to fle but his bootes made a sounde and the knightes spyede hym and gave hym chase. And thogh he scapede from hem, thei sawe wher he rode and knew of his lodging. Therwithal Kyng Edichim sente thre of his knightes to Sir Seanes lodging for to slayen hym for he had sene hys foule deede. And thus cam aftir vespers Sir Stuntman Number Oon and Sir Stuntman Number Two, son of Expendable Extra who had done manye deedes in the dayes of Uther Pendragon, and wyth hem Sir Stuntman Number Thre.

And so the miscreant knightes wolde break ope the doore of Sir Seanes room and slaye him foullie, but that SIR NEVILLE DE FLYNN cam and seyde to Sir Sean, ‘Sir Knight, if thou shalt do my biddynge than thou shalt scape wyth thy lyf,’ and bad Sir Sean to hye hym from that place. And then Sir Neville made hym redy, wyth one spere he smote hem downe al thre over ther horses croups. This kynde of thynge was ful yn his style, for hys verye wallet hath ‘bad motherswyvere’ on it ywrit.

chapter the iinde

Then Sir Neville told Sir Sean that they must cross the see to the court of the grete King Arthur, for Arthures puissance coud bringe Kynd Eidichim to justise. For Sir Neville was yn the Feudal Bureau of Investigacioun. And so the two knightes cam to the coost of the see and ther thei sawe a rich vessel hilled over with red silk and thei cam to yt. ‘Master mariners,’ seyde Sir Neville, ‘We muste make passage yn yower firste-classe section, for I bringe a witnesse to the courte of Kynge Arthur.’ And the mariners and the maydes on the boate assentede, thogh manye a rich burgois dide grucchen much at levynge first classe for coache.

And thus the mariners made hem redye to sayle across the grete see. In first classe Sir Neville and Sir Sean talkede of matirs of prowesse and knighthode, and doun in coache, manye a stereotype did sitte and make conversacioun. Ther was a PRIORESSE, who lovede hir smalle dog, and also a SQUIRE, who mad manye songes of rappe and had TWO FAT KNIGHTES wyth him, and also a WOMAN WYTH A BABYE AND AN ACCENTE, who coud muche of plesaunte folke remedyes and TWO FOUNDLINGES who travelid all al oon, and an ANTISOCIALE ENGLISHMAN and also a gret manye EXPENDABLES.

And Kyng Edichim bethoghte hymself how Sir Neville was a man of muche power and coud nat be bestede by knightes; and so Edichim turnede hym to trecherie and sorcerie. Withinne the hulle of the shipe he had privilye yputte manye a caske fulle of serpentes and wormes and foul addres, and therto he put aboute the boate a philtre ycleped Far-Amoun by the Arabes, the which maketh serpentes to freke the helle oute and starte juste bitinge eny oon thei see. And wyth alchemy he sette the lockes of the caskes for to bursten whan the boate was yn the middel of the see. And yn this wise nat oon of the securitee gardes did knowe of the ambusshe of the serpentes that was to be, even thogh thei did make al the passengers remove her toothpickes and lettre-openeres and especiallye ther jarres of oyntmentz and sportes-drinkes. And thus the vessel departed wyth the serpentes hidden vpon it.

chapter the iiirde

So whan the ship had on the ocean saylede for two houres and was on the rollinge wawes of the see, anon the lockes of the caskes breste forth and the snakes weren loosed. Right so the hoolde of the shippe was fulle of al maner of serpentes that hisse and crawl vpon the erthe, such as amphisbanae and aspides, vipers the which aren sum tyme called berardes, and bosk-addres and cheldires whos bite causeth shakynge and sodein deeth, egges-wermes and water-naddres, slow-wormes and ophites and manye othir thinges that movede serpentli. And syn thei had brethede depe of the Far-Amoun, thei were wood as if thei weren on cracke.

Thus cam the snakes in the coache seccioun of the vessel, and ther was much noyse and screminge and manye EXPENDABLES weren eten and in the naughtye partes ybitten. The ANTISOCIALE ENGLISHMAN dide throwe the dogge of the PRIORESSE to the serpentes for to make hem delaye, and yet he too was eten by a grete wyrm. And the SQUIRE did showe that for all of his bling he was but a cowarde. And the WOMAN WYTH A BABYE AND AN ACCENT dide scape wyth her babye and her accent.

Sir Sean herde the noyse and fayne wolde haue gon doun to the coache seccioun. For neyther he nor Sir Neville had sene the snakes, but herde onnlie the cryes from below and knew nat what happede. And so Sir Sean got hym up to move but Sir Neville seyde, ‘Sir Knight, whan first we met ich toolde thee that if thou sholdst do my biddynge, thou wolde lyue, and in ower aventurez it hath happede thus that thou hast no reson to distruste me. Thou must bringe thy witnesse to Kyng Arthurez court, and thus stay thee heere the while ich figure out what the helle the noyse ys aboute. Mesemeth peraventure that the in-shippe filme ys Failure to Launch and alle folke do screme in terror at the mismatchede romantique payringe of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew “Nat Luke nor Owen” McConaughey.’ And so Sir Sean stayede put while Sir Neville went doun to ward the noyse.

chapter the ivthe

Sir Neville cam to wher the folke of the shippe wyth the snakes yfought, and he sawe the bodyes of the dede and the sight grieved hym sore, for the battel had waxed passinge hard and the folke had little wherewithal to defend hemselves. And Sir Neville then fared wood as a lion and with his swerd he cutte in twayne the snakes that at him lept.

‘Builde a walle for to kepen out the serpentes’ he seyde, and the folk obeyed hym and piled up her luggage, the whiche did stop the onslaught of the serpentes as an othir walle had long agoon ystopped the onslaught of the Scottes. And the WOMAN WYTH A BABYE AND AN ACCENT coud sum thyng of leechcraft and so put salues and poulticez on thos who had been bitten and yet had nat perisshed. And oon of the FOUNDLINGES was bite and hys arm was sore sore.

And the SQUIRE was loosinge yt and seyd ‘O Jesu, defend us from death and horrible maims! For I see well we be in grete peril of death, for ther aren snakes on ower shippe and thei are angrie at sum thyng.’ And Sir Neville seyde to him, ‘Yes, I marvel how thei cam vnto this ship wythout wittynge of us alle. Yet nowe ther beth litel hope but to fighte hem.’

And Sir Neville and the SQUIRE and al men on the shippe alive who coud weapnes hold dide marche ayeinst the serpentes and do grete bataille and long war. But the snakes were full of ire and of venym and were still passinge y-riled-uppe and thus gave grete assaut in returne. And thus the battel stood wyth manye dede on eyther syde.

chapter the vthe and finale

Then Sir Neville and the men who with him fought did drawe togedir and Sir Neville seyde, ‘Litel it availeth us to fighte wyth thes snakes. By cause thei do not jouste as knightes do, nor do thei make fayre parlay whan thei aren captured, but rather in the nature of beestes thei bite the helle ovte of vs the whole tyme.’ And thus thei made retreat to behinde the walle.

Then ther was a crashinge grete and terribil, and the sound of the sayles droppinge on to the decke. In the winde the ship did founder. Vp staires, Sir Sean did checke wyth the mariners and finde hem all y-slawe by the snakes, and the snakes had occupyed the wheel of the shippe and the mappe of navigacioun. And Sir Sean cam doun and toold Sir Neville and Sir Neville was passinge wroth and seyde, ‘That ys ynogh. I haue hadde it wyth thes cursed by Seynt George snakes on this cursed by Seynt George shippe!’

‘What haue ye seyde?’ askede the PRIORESSE then. ‘I did curse the snakes,’ seyde Sir Neville, ‘and therwith the shippe, in the name of Seynt George who ys a patron of valour and chivalrie.’ ‘Ywis,’ seyde the PRIORESSE, ‘yower cursinge hath borne good fruyt, for methinkede whan I herde ye speke thus that the arme of man, eek even of a mighti man swich as yowerself, is but a litel thinge compared to the grete power of God the which is dispensed thorow the mediacioun of the seyntez. And thes serpentes the which do make werre ayeinst us aren figuraciouns of the sinne of ower firste parentes who weren by a serpent deceyved, and thus thei signifien that we sholde seke nat strengthe in knighthede but in prayere and devocioun. For syn we face thes foule serpentes, mesemeth we must seeke succour and aide from the gret seynt who is the enemy ysworn of al maner of serpentes.’

‘Dang, babye,’ seyde Sir Neville, ‘ye speke gret wisdam.’

And alle the crewe prayed to Seynt Patrick and thorow hys mercy the serpentes were slayne every oon of hem and the shippe came safelye to shore.

Good Lord saue us alle yn swich a maner as thou hast saved Danyhel in the liones den and Jonah in the wales bellye and saue us especiallye from Snakes on the See, in the name of Jesu ower Lord and Seynte Patrick


mardi, août 15, 2006

Wondirful newes!

By seynte Edward! Yt hath ben a ful stressfule weke, ful of much hastie and sodein laboure, but al of my effortes haue produced fayre and honourable fruyt thurgh the assistance of my frende and my Kinge.

Wednesdaye laste, ich was yn my lawn-chayre slepynge aftir a longe night of pwninge noobs, whanne ich was awook by Tommy Vske, who had travelid as fast as he coud from Londoun.

Litel Vsk ys nowe a serjeant-at-armes for my lord Kinge Richard. And he thus broghte tidynges to me in execucion of his office. Writtes had ben ysent to everye contee for the eleccioun of menne to speke for the communes in parlement, and the eleccioun was to be held that Sundaye in Canterburye. And therwithal my lorde Kynge Richarde had sente Vsk to telle me to runnen for parlement, for the Kynge seyde that he wolde lyk sum gode men and trewe and loyale to his majestee to be ther attendaunt vpon the parlement.

"Thinkstow that folke wille voten for me?" quod I.

"Hekke yes. Ich wolde vote for thee," he spak.

"And yet, what skille haue ich?" ich askede.

"Thou hast a swete litel woolen hatte. And thou art prettye good at enrollinge accountes, plus thou art lyk the onlie guye in the shire who ys enditinge a lengthie frame-tale collecioun in the englysshe tonge."

With gretest haste, we wente to Canterburye, and ther dide campaigne amonge the peple. Vsk did helpe me by vsinge his skilles of drawinge to make cunninge billes and posteres for me, the whiche we putte vpon the dores of chirches and of grete halles. We also hadde manye a litel signe of liveree on whiche was write ‘VOTE FOR CHAUCER.’ By cause we hadde the aide of my lord the kinge, we were gretede wyth grete favour and supporte by the bettir men of the contree.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And thus thurgh the intervencioun of Vske at the beheste of my Kynge, Ich am nowe a KNYGHT OF THE SHIRE! Ye do heare me correctlie, good gentils: in but a fewe monthes ich shal goon to parlement at Westminster to represente the shire of Kente, and be priuy to the grete speches and wise conseyles of grete lordes and grete affaires of the reaume, and eek to complayn aboute the smal detailes of lyf for my constituencie and the lak of stedfastnesse and of good dentale care. The parlement comenceth on the firste daye of October. Ich am so excitede -- this parlement is goinge to be wondirful!

In the mene while, eftsoon ich shal pooste the winneres of the tournamente of photographie. Ye maye stille sende yn entreez if ye haue nat yet hadde a chaunce to do so! Ye maye emayle entreez yn attachement to myn emayle at daliaunce AT

And als, my newe posicioun yiveth me muche feyth in the wisdam of my conseil. If ye haue eny matirs on which ye mighte wisshe to seke myn advyce or conseil, emayle me at daliaunce AT

And nowe ich must haue sum newe suites fittede for me.

samedi, août 05, 2006

Ich pwne noobs!

O my gentil rederes, it hath been a thinge of muche difficultee and laboure for to type euen the smallest entrie in myn blogge. For somer, lyk vnto a songe of Barry Manilow, hath ydrawn alle the spirit and vigor from my limbes and hert. For the gretre part of the hot moneth of July ich laye in my garden on my comfortable lawn-chaire and langwisshed lyk vnto sum yonge lover who hath ydumpede been. Ich daubede myn foreheed wyth a moyste towel and did drinke mvch of somer drinkes swich as margaritae and daquiri.

By night, ich busyede myself with wrytynge of my Tales of Canterburye. And yet methinketh that the somer hete did even then overwhelme my fantasie, for alle of the tales ich enditede dide involve snowe and watir and plesaunte coolinge pass-tymes. In the Knightes Tale, ich wrote that Theseus did constructe a grete swimminge poole in which Arcite and Palamon wolde pleye of marco polo for the winninge of Emilye. The Nonnes Preestes tale was of a penguin ycleped Chanticleer. The Monkes tale was a liste of thos who stood in heigh degree and from yt felle and aftir wente on vacacioun in plesaunte tropicale isles. Alas! Yt semeth that ich muste crosse ovt much of this werke and starte ayein from the beginninge. Yet peraventure ich shal lete stande the Squires tale of Frostie the Snowman and how he was drawen limbe from limbe by Cambyuskan the grete kinge of Tartarye for to be putte in coolinge drinkes, and how aftir, Cambyuskan’s doghter Canacee did fynde the corne-cobbe pipe and button nose and knewe of hir fadires crueltee.

And yet the thinge moost detrimentale to my werke did come nat from the hete, but from my sone. Oon night whanne ich coud write no more, ich herde from litel Lowyses room terrible soundes and grete crashinges and betinges of taboures. Quakynge wyth drede, ich opnede hys doore, and founde hym hole and sounde.

‘What maner of grete din ys that?’ quod Ich.

‘Unwack yowerself a litel, Dizzad. Ich am playinge Auriole,’ Lowys replyede, and did poynte towardes hys ‘Exboxe CCCLX.’

By Seynt Nintendus, ich thoghte to myself, thes aren thos 'video games' the which Lowys ys alwey pleyinge. A grete curiousitee dide posess me, and so ich askede Lowys to shewe me of the propertees of the games. He taughte me the lore of thes merveilous stories, the which aren peyntures that moue and haue sounde and often are made yn Japan, and aren controllid by a small devyce or engine ycovered wyth buttones that ys helde yn the hand.

Heu michi quod sterilem uitam duxi iuvenilem! Ther were no swich games of video whanne ich was a yonge man, and thus ich knewe litel of the sport and mirthe that ys in hem. For soothly, thei aren quite clever and also do improue the coordinacioun of the hande and the eye. Lowys and ich dide sette at pleyinge of the games and we stoppid nat vntil the cokke of morwenyge dide crowe. It rockede, and from thenne on ich was caught in the trappe. Thus my Tales of Canterburye were on the back-burner yputte. The dayes aren fulle of reste, and the nightes fulle of games of video. Whanne Philippe chid me yestirmorn for pleyinge of youthful sporte ich tolde hir that thys was a grete waye to bonde wyth Lowys; she seyde in replye, 'Whatevir happenede to helpinge hym wyth his grammer homewerke?' (for she ys a woman who loveth the laste worde moore than ower lord Jesu).

Here beginneth the descripcioun of the Ludi de Visionibus

Syn ye, my rederes, are folke lyk myself who kanne noght of games of video, ich thoghte ich wolde here descriven the wondirs of thes tales, and liste the names of sum of the moore notable games, as Lowys hath informede me of hem and shewn hem to me on hys manye computirs and consoles of gamynge.

DONKEYE-KYNGE: Yn thys game, ye playe a peasaunt who hath yn his care a smal donkeye. Ye use the gentil beeste to dryve yower carte and to transporte donge, for which ye are payde ful litel, and yet ye muste kepe obeiant and meke to wards the bettir and mower substantiale menne of yower village. At the ende of XX minutes, a purveyor of the kinge cometh and taketh aweye the donkey, and then ye, the pesaunte, are sesed wyth despayr and do falle deed. Then ye, the playere, are rankid by how manye piles of donge ye hauen transportid and wyth howe much meekeness.

CIVILISATIOUN: Yn this ful lernede game, ye playe the ful course of civilisacioun on the globe of the erthe. Erst, ye do governe the civilisacioun of the Golden Age, and gathir acornes and the croppes that the erthe ytself doth yive forth withouten labour. Lowys sayeth that this part of the game ‘sucketh’ for ther ys no werre or fightinge. And then oon of yower folke fyndeth golde in the grounde, and an othir iren for to make wepnes of werre and thus the golden age doth ende. In sequence, ye playe thurgh the grete tymes of the Babyloniens, the Persyenes, and Alixaundre, and the Romayns, and then then ye come to the age of Steel, the which ys oure tyme, of longe werres and terrible, and of the divisioun bitwene the popes of Rome and Avignon and the Grete Pestilence. At the ende of the game, ye do muche penaunce for the sinnes of the werlde and thanne ther ys sum musique.

TROJAN KOMBAT: Yn this game of video, ye playe oon of the renouned knightes of Troye or Grece, and do battel yn single combat by pressinge the buttons on yower controller. My fauorite character ys Troylus! Ech caracter hath the same ‘basic moves,’ but yf ye presse the buttones yn speciale combinaciouns, the characteres kan do ‘special moves.’ Ich haue heere ycopyed the special moues for Troylus, for my remembraunce:

A + A + UP + DOUNE: The ‘Canticus Troili’: it bringeth yn Pandarus to fight alongside Troylus.

A + UP + LEFT + RIGHT + B: The ‘Litera Troili’: it maketh Troylus to sitte adown and rolle hys herte to and fro to seke how he may best descryven his wo to hys ladye (-nat verye effective in combat!!)

B + A + DOWN + DOWN + UP + UP + A + CROSS YOWERSELFE: Maketh Troylus to speke of divine purveyaunce, the whiche doth paralyse yower opponente wyth confusioun

...and yet, wyth alle thes speciale moues, everye tyme that ich playe Troylus, Lowys doth playe Achille, and ich am defeatede!

TYGER WOODSES HUNTINGE AND HAWKINGE: This game doth make simulacioun of noble sportes, so that thos who aren nat of rich estaat maye ride of fyne horses and chase the kinges deere and hawke wyth gode briddes of preye. This game taketh the name of the grete hunter and falconer Tigere Woods, who hath IV tymes taken the prize of the Maysteres Tournament of Falconry, and twies won the daye at the PGA Championshippe of Boare-Huntinge. Manye a time haue ich sene nobles go to hawke and hunte, and ich do promise yow that this game ys verye realistic. At the ende of the hunte, noble ladyes come to the partye of hunteres and ther ys gentil talke of loue (presse B as faste as ye kan and ye shalle sigh wyth grete loue and affecioun!) and al the while the churles preparen the deere for roastinge. Ye kan choose to playe as seuerale noble hunteres, yncludynge my lord Johannes of Gaunte (BSL! He muste haue needed sum extra cashe for hys werres yn Spayne!!).

AURIOLE: This game ys of the kynde ycleped ‘FPS,’ or ‘firste-persone sermon,’ in whiche ye see as yf out of the eyes of a noble prechour named Mayster Cheeve, and ye traverse the countree prechynge to manye folke. Ye fynde manye bookes of storyes of deedes of seyntes and manye bookes of lore with whiche ye maye equip yowerselfe. My fauorite ys John Bromyardes Summa predicantium - it hath the longest range and ys effective ayeinst alle classes of societee. Sum tyme yn the game ye espyen heretickes, and ye maye kille hem wyth the aide of the seculer authoritees. Yf ye haue grete success, ye receyve an auriole that shineth arounde yower hede. Ye kan also playe this game in competicioun wyth otheres ‘on-line,’ in whatte ys callid a ‘dethe matche.’ Ther ys a maner of speche vsid by thos who playe Auriole in ‘deth matches’– to winne a game ys to ‘pwne’ the othir playeres; conversiones thurgh yower prechynge are called ‘fragges,’ and thos who are of litel experience (lyk myself) are yclepede ‘noobs,’ or novices.

GRANDE THEFTE, COLLUSIOUN, AND MAYNTENANCE: Ich had herde of this game bifor, for manye a petiticioun hath ben yiven to the kinge in parlemente concerynyge the threte that thys game wille make childrene in to violent felouns. Ich was astonyed to heere that Lowys had boughte it hym self, by bribinge a clerk of the video games store. And yet, ther ys litel mattir for worrye, for the game itself ys a satire of the disordred state of lawe in this contree. Ye run arounde and commit various actes of trespass with force and armes, and then use yower patrones and affinitee groupes to get yow out of prisone. Ther ys even a 'mini game' yn whiche a sheriff doth presente yow wyth a writ to appeare in courte and ye teare yt yn piece-meale (by pressinge the A button very faste!). Ye gayne riche landes by doynge yower neighbours wronges and oppressiouns. Ye kan evene take the liverie of various corrupt local lordes, and putte the robes and hattes and pinnes on and looke at yowerself yn the mirour. Althogh ich trye to be a man of moralitee, ich muste admit that this game ys verye fun! Every tyme ich do commit trailbaston and hitte a lawyer ovir the heede to take of hys coynes, ich do pretende yt ys that wankere Johannes Gower! Ywis, ich do thinke that this game pleseth nat the menne of parlement for yt striketh verye close to the merke.

And so, my noble rederes, vntil the hete of somer fullie abateth, ich shal be up wyth litel Lowys, in hys attic room, playinge of video games and drinkinge depe draughtes of mountayne dewe. C U L8re, gentilz!