WELCOME TO THE INNOVATYF RE-BRANDINGE OF
GEOFFREY CHAUCER HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD!
PRESENTID BY THE LORDS APPELLANT:
Thomas “The Swan” of Woodstock, Earl of Buckingham and Duk of Gloucester
Richard “Horsie” FitzAlan, Earl of Arundel
Thomas “Yogi” Beauchamp, Earl of Warwick
Henry “S-Collar” Bolingbroke, Earl of Derby
Tommy “Featherweight” Mowbray, Earl of Nottingham
YWRITTEN BY A GLOBAL TEAME OF CREATIFS AND TRENDSETTIRS ASSEMBLID IN FELAWESHEP WYTH MUCH COFFEE
Thomas “Favor Fave” Favent (formerlie director of chihuahua trakkinge and parliamentarie gossip for GAUCHER Media)
INTRODUCCION BY THE LORDS APPELLANT
Welcome, gentils and churles alike. We haue looked at youre emailes thurgh our constant secret monitoringe of communicaciouns, and we haue wisely and graciously seen that the whole globe of the erthe doth lament the lakke of posting on the blogg of a certayn Galfridus Chaucer, formerlie of the customes hous and until recentlie clerke of the kinges workes, and synce June an absent fathir, distractid soule, companion to a wandering king, and balm-addled layabout. Well, the longe tyme of yower waiting is ovir, for heere ys the new GEOFFREY CHAUCER HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD!.
Ywis, we Lords Appellant haue re-branded and re-concepted thys blog. We haue replaced Chaucer wyth a top team of new media specialistes. This is nowe a blog that ys dedicated to bringing yow the hottest and moost up to date content about the worldes of entertaynment, political societee, hangings, filmes, culture, quarterings, and defense of the of the noble realme of Engelonde. Prepare to be virtuallye beaten ovir the head and neck by the sheere force of the hot and up to date content ye shall see on this blog. Ther shal be verye funnye thinges. The thinges ye shall see shal be so funnye they shall maken yow to “laughen out loude” (LOL). Ther shal also be much newes of Engelonde and ower gret effortes to kepe yt safe from the foul Frensshe folk, who seeke even now to destroye ower language and ower large estates. Nevir bifor did loue of the realm of Engelonde and hot and up to date content come togedir in a productif and profitable webbe-two-point-o fusion-synthesis as they do nowe in GEOFFREY CHAUCER HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD!.
We requeste that all ye folk who reden of this blogg do signe the loialtiee oath in the commentz to assuren us that ye aren nat Frensshe spyes or folk who wolde overturn the gret proceedings of the moost recent Parliament. Yf ye signe nat the loailte oath we shall come to yower hous wyth our retinues of armid men and we shal show yow the latest hot and up to date content in opinioun-chaunging. (SEE END OF POOST FOR OATH)
Go England! Trust us!
-Tom, Dick, Tom, Harry, Tom
And nowe a woord from yower newe editor, Thomas Favent.
THE EDITOR ANSWERETH YOWER QUERIES
How hangeth it, ladyes and lordes? This is nat Geoffrey Chaucer. Geoffrey Chaucer ys chubtastick and hath a smal woolen hat the which was cool back when round tables seemid lyk a fresshe idea. Chaucer, my darlinges, hath left the building. Ich am Thomas Favent and let me telle yow ich am a lot thinner and a whole lot moore fun at large outdoor summer-tyme festivals. Ich am so totallie ypsyched to be runninge this syte and providinge yow wyth the hottest and moost up to date content concerninge the mattirs aforemencioned by the lords appellant in their grace and wisdam.
Nowe, ich imagine ye are going “what the swyve?” (WTS?) right nowe, by cause that thinges aren a littel different around heere than what ye haue seen bifor. Wel, ich am heere to telle yow that chaunge is good. Sum peple think of chaunge as the werkinge of a capricious fortune upon the blisful stabilitie of lyf, but ich prefer to think of chaunge as the force that kicketh boring people off of the island. All webbes must be blown by the winde so that the spider maye re-cast them, and thus yt is wyth thys websyte, blown by the wind of clene and pure chaunge into the newe and awesome shape yt taketh bifor yower eyes.
So that ich maye yive sum response to yower questions about the gret chaunges of this blog, ich haue arrangid a liste of questions that haue come thurgh email, the which ich shall answir in order. Suspend yower wondir, rederes, and all factes concerninge this blog and the recent lakke of postinges shal bicom clere thurgh my crystalline prose.
1. Where the hell is Geoffrey Chaucer?
Geoffrey Chaucer hath been verye busy ovir the past monethes assistinge King Richard wyth King Richard’s rehabilitacioun. King Richard hath been in a bit of a funke (see below answeres). Currentlie, Geoffrey Chaucer ys with King Richard in Las Vegas. The two of them left in June, after a period of gret distraccion.
The kinge and Chaucer did saye thei wolde journeye to Vegas to fynde sum abstract notion or anothir. The paparazzi do saye that bifor he left, Chaucer waxid poetic about a maner of quest involving drivinge to Las Vegas and drinking much wyne and the inhaling of gret quantitees of aromatic balm in order to fynde “The Idea of the Vernacular.”
2. Why is almost everyone involved with this named Thomas?
Go to Canterburye and light yowerself a clue candle, doctor of theologie.
3. What has been happening in the last couple months? It’s something to do with parliament, right?
Ye are correct. Yn Februarie, the Lords Appellant (listed above in their grace and wisdam) did bring the concernes of alle the peple of the realme to parliament. They did saye that the counsellors and men who surroundid King Richard were corrupt and rotten and thes evil counsellors did hate the realme of Engelonde. Thes evil counsellors did kepe King Richard from thinkinge of the safetie of the realm, so much so that he thoughte to make peace wyth the foul Frenssh. He also spent a lot of moneye on thinges lyk giant water parkes wyth ancient mythologicale themes (q. v. "Styx Flags") and did depryve the gret nobles of the realme of their annuitees.
But the realme neded nat to suffir until it dwindled and bicam prey to the foule Frensshe. Nay! Sum of the gretest nobles of the realme did heere the people complaining of the woes of the realme, and thei rose up to challenge the vicious scum who did surround our King Richard. Thes gret nobles and saviors of the polity do call themselves the Lords Appellant (because thei are so appeallinge). The Lords Appellant usid the rightful and proper force of parliament to put the fals counsellors of King Richard on tryall for tresoun and to bring gret peace and order to the realm by deelinge wyth them.
Best. Parliament. Evir!
Consideringe all the deelinge that had to be done, the parliament did laste for many monethe, and Geoffrey was kept bisy making thinges for the kinge (includinge a fortified bunker the which was nat fortified quite ynough). This parliament went off and on until June 3rd, upon which daye Geoffrey and Richard spent much tyme driving around London collectinge supplyes in a rentid car and then drove off and haue nat been yherd from since.
3. Who were these counsellors?
The foulest of the dangeres to the realm were Nicholas Brember Mayor of London, Alexander Neville fals Bisshop of York, Robert de Vere supposid Duk of Ireland (and kynd of too close wyth the kyng), Michael de la Pole supposid Earl of Suffolk, Robert Tresilian once Chief Justice. Yet their were many othir folk, swich as the knights Berners, Burley, Salisbury and Beauchamp and also the small folk Thomas Usk and John Blake. The lords appellant in their grace and wisdam exiled or executid moost of them.
Ye kan nat make an omelet wythout hanging and drawing and quartering a few egges.
But wait, I heard a rumor that Thomas Usk didn’t actually die, but instead was saved at the last minute by Dr. Hwaet and his beloved companion Wat Tyler? They replaced Usk with a robot that looked like a person but could really only walk and recite basic liturgical formulae.
When the lordes appellant fynde the source of the crakke ye are smokinge, in their grace and widsdam thei shall destroye it to make safe the healthe of the nacioun and to quell swich fables and ficcions. Dr. Hwaet is a ficcion. Even yf he did exist, the idea of a totallye ancient alien with an accent from Norwich ys ridiculous.
5. Lots of planets have a Norwich.
BE SILENT or the lords appellant yn their grace and wisdam shall knokke yow the helle about the head. Next question, peple.
7. Hey, also: Why was Annie Lennox singing in the palace when Richard said goodbye to De Vere?
Ynogh of the rumores. Wheniver ther ys political activitee the chronicleres just start blabbing about eny thing. Wheels of fyre. Talkinge wax hedes. The Thames dryinge up. Alienes from Norwich wyth burial mounds bigger on the insyde than on the outsyde. Pop icons singinge "Everytime We Say Goodbye." Seriouslie people, hyre a serjeant at law and get yowerselves a clue in fee simple! Thes chronicleres are all basicallie writinge Gerald of Wales fan ficcion inspyred by badly-kept monastic cheese. No more queries about unusual events surroundinge the parliament.
8. Okay, fine. So the parliament happened and Chaucer went away to Vegas after a hard time. Why are you running his blog?
The lords appellant in their grace and wisdam are verye interested in media saturacioun. Thei aren aware that at oon tyme many folk did rede of this blog and fynde joye in it, so nowe thei seek to fynde thos peple and provyde them wyth hot and up to date content and also newes of the defense of the realme of Engelonde ayeinst the foule evil of the Frensshe.
7. But it’s not your/their blog?
Accordinge to propertie lawes written in the tyme of the kinges great grandfather and far too complex for ye to undirstonden, the blog did revert to the kynge when Geoffrey Chaucer entered a gazebo in May wythout a hat, and then thurgh a certayne arrangement of inheritance decreed by an ad hoc committee of judges the rights de escriture for the blog did fall to the second cousin of the Duke of Gloucester, the which cousin upon halberd-poynte did gladlie relinquish hys ownership of the blog and thus the blog fell ynto the hands of the Lords Appellant, who haue arrangid it all nyce and hyred a teame of writeres and we haue a studio wyth bean bag chayres and chartes concerninge which animal image will make folk buye which Shakira album. And so it is as clere as ys the sumer sun: the blog ys oures.
8. How did you get his password?
Yt was taped undir Geoffrey’s desk.
9. You searched his house? Wait. Did you people do anything to his family?
Ther ys no need to worrye, thei are all fyne. Bifor Geoffrey and King Richard left for Las Vegas, King Richard did leave gret summes for to keep the meynee at Geoffreyes hous. Litel Lowys ys doing a summer internship and preparing for universitee in the fall. Philippa ys fixinge up the garden hous and doing pilates. And Thomas as always ys wyth John of Gaunt, Kinge of Spayne, handling thinges on the continent.
10. What do you think about the fact that the first-ever international conference on John Gower just took place?
We heere at Geoffrey Chaucer Hath an Extreme Blog: Go England! It Ys Rad! do support and love that Gower conference wyth all our hertes. John Gower hath alweys been a fervent supporter of whoevir is in power. We do nat undirstond why Chaucer hath swich a bugge yn his butte. Peraventure yf Geoffrey sholde evir come back from Las Vegas we maye let hym poost hys owene reacciouns to the conference. But that day may nevir come.
11. Will all the old posts stay up? Indefinitely?
Of course thei shall. What maniacal and sadistic power do ye thinke doth control this blog? Joss Whedon?
Okaye, that ys ynogh questions for todaye. Look forward to exciting newe pro-England content in the dayes to come on Geoffrey Chaucer Hath An Extreme Blog: Go England! It Ys Rad!
THE EXTREMELY AWESOME LOIALTEE OATH
Pplease put yower name yn the followinge loyaltee oath and poost it as a comment or else we will disinherit yower male heirs in perpetuity. All commentes shal be screened to prevent treason and Frensshe spyes.
I ____________ do affirm the actes and decrees of the parliament of this yeere and do agree that it was right to reform the ill governement of ower King Richard in order to bring peace and justise to the realm and nevir shall I speke against the Lords Appellant at eny tyme yn the future. I do abhor and reject the ridiculous rumor that Thomas Usk was saved by Dr. Hwaet bifor beinge executed. I do swere to return to thys blog and enjoy its hot and up to date content. And I do sweare, no mattir what lord I folowe or in what lande I dwell, nevir to betray the realme of Engelonde to the foul Frensshe. Signed this ____ daye of ______ ; also, yt ys my trewe opinion that the hottest and moost up to date content these days includes the topics _________, __________, and __________, all of the which ich wolde rede wyth gret gladnesse and joye and loialtee to Engelonde.