vendredi, septembre 12, 2008

A NEW ORDER: IF IT AINT BOLIN'BROKE #1

GEOFFREY CHAUCER (TM) HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD! - FEATURED CONTENT (contrib. by H. Bolingbroke)

Bakers and Bakesteres, Hippers and Hipsteres,

For yower owene sake, plese enjoie a speciale contribucioun from oon of ower sponsours and my moost gret patroun, the which I do poost heere. In the meen while, I seek a salve for myn heed.

-Tho. Favent


IF IT AINT BOLIN'BROKE

a most noble and wikked auuesome column by Henry “S-Collar” Bolingbroke,

WASSSSSSSSSSUP Churlez? Hypermasculinized loue to ech and everie oon of yow! ‘Tis I, Henri Bolingbroke, coming right at yow. This is my column of awesome content on this blog.

You see, the othir Lords Appellant want to make sure that we connect with yow, the peple. Thinges haue been getting a litel shakie. Sure, everichone did loue us whan we seyde that we wolde correct the realme, but now the fikkle and untrewe peple do complayne that we misappropriate revenues and care moore for ower vainglorie than for Engelonde. Which is lyk a total load of cow-wasshe, for all of ower expenses aren necessarie. The obstacle course in my bakke-yard is crucial for militarie planninge. (Thos Frensshe citie walles are nat going to scale themselues.) The fact that yt also maketh an awesome paint-balle course is biyond the poynt. But lo swich moanes and lamentynge ye the peple do make. It peyneth me soore, I kan tell you. Heavy is the head that weareth the awesome.

So Tommy ”The Swan” and Dick “Mauvais Cheval" askid me to wryte a blogge to connect wyth yow, the peple, and especiallie the younger voteres who reden of thes blogges and do worshippe at the parrisshe of St. Cory. And eek the othir lordes thoughte that my experience crusadinge ayeinst the paganes in Prusse wolde make me appealinge. I am a CRUSADE HERO, people. CRUSADE HERO. That just soundeth so good whan my scrybe types it out.

So as ye kan see, this is just a litel space for me to kynd of unwind about the day. And I unwind lyk a snake, baby, full of venom and anecdotes. Whan I askid Thomas Favent yf I could have a column on the blog he made a trewely good argument about focus and needing the proper talent and nat being sure if I had the experience to get the pacing right, and thanne I made a trewely good argument about me ceasinge from hitting hym on the head wyth a mace. BAMBAMBAM CRACK!

Peple, man. Everyichon hath an opinoun, ye know? I am going to yive yow sum of myne heere, and if ye agree nat, wel, peraventure I will imprisoun yow for monethes. HA. JUST JESTINGE. (OR MAYBE NAT?)

I saw Roland, Ganelon, Saragossa last week-end. I haue nat liked the othir filmes by Wido Alanus but this oon was prettie good. I wisshe ther had been moore three-way battle scenes. I am eek prettie y-psychede about Quantum of Solace even thogh it soundeth lyk the name of a papal bull.

Oh, and about the “S-Collar” thing, myn nik-name? The world hath been askinge. Yt standeth nat nat for “scoler.” I did nat do verye well in school. In fact, had nat Dame Plagiarism been at hand, Sir Graduacioun nevir wolde haue arryved, for the Sistren de Keg were alwey in my chambre. But swich is the lyf. Ye need nat to knowe of lettrure and clerklie thinges whan ye be a CRUSADE HERO.

No, I am ylcept "S-Collar" by cause of my awesome neckwear, the which is all made out of S linkid togedir. Many folk asken: what doth the “s” stand for? It standeth for: stronge sexie superior seigneur standinge ovir yower sorrie ass as ye sobbe for yower lyf. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

I haue been keepinge up my trayninge for the Supreme Joustinge Championship. I am werkinge out III or IV houres a daye and hitting the listes as much as I kan. I am born to kick asse and take names, except I am a slow writer and thus the number of asses kikked do exceed names taken. Swich is the life. CRUSADE HERO, cherles.

This fat weeird guy keepeth hanging out with little Hal. I am a litel worried about this but my wife Mary sayd whatevir. ‘Tis nat lyk the kid will ever be kyng any day (unless I depose Richard). HA. JUST JESTINGE. TO SAY AS MUCH WOLDE BE TREASOUN! (OR MAYBE NAT?)

My wyf just got her forehead done. That thing is so effing big now. It is lyk almost a spanne brood. HOTT! Whan I marryed her she was named Mary de Bohun and if ye know what I mean I haue been thinking about doinge a litel Bohuninge tonight. SMACK! CRUSADE HERO!

Ye knowe, I had VI minstrels when I fought the pagans at the Siege of Vilnius and thei still koud nat keep up wyth a real-tyme song about how much ass I was kikkinge. I bring the legendarye mode. I am the legendarye mode.

Let us see. What else? O, stop yower bullmerde about Chaucer and Kyng Richard. Kyng Richard will retourne whan it is good for the realm. I and the othir lords appellant are loial to the Crown of Engelonde and the Kyng who beareth yt. I haue no intencioun to evir taak the crown from Richard. I haue too much CRUSADING to do first. That stuff is moore awesome than watching “faces of death" while simultaneously receivinge a high-fyve at a combinacioun Farthingbakke/III Doores Down showe. SMACK! BAM!

Okay, this hath made me thynk about Engelonde and kikking asse. I am getting some squirez and goynge to the bakke-yard to play peynt-balle. I will have Thomas put this onlyne.

I hope yow enjoy this. Or else ye shal perssihe (J/K LOL ROFL)

-Henry “S-Collar” Bolingbroke

24 Comments:

Anonymous Bobbie said...

Welle, Bolingbroke, what feare ich holde for yew is but quainte and wee. Yes, ich read the postinge and muste to telle yew that youre young piece, Tom, captures myne admyracion and intresst more and ever more than yew canne do. That none the lesse pales whene compar'ed to my stille lingering affecion for the departed Chaucer. Release him, you freeke of all that is naturale and goode. No, feere I nat that you canne stille my mouth and my harte. The interwebs are a longe and tangled bywaye, and youre lance is quite stubby (or so saith youre laidy faire).

vendredi, 12 septembre, 2008  
Blogger Anonymous Soprano said...

I just have to say, several of the lines brought me to the point of tears in giggles.

Very good work!

vendredi, 12 septembre, 2008  
Blogger Nightsky said...

Mauvais Cheval

Ye thoroughbredde of synne?

vendredi, 12 septembre, 2008  
Anonymous Bobbie said...

Okaye, why ist thate whene I sign with my name and URL there is no linkage made to my own blogge? I do list that anye who rede my comments here be able, should they list, to reade otheres of my maunderings. Make it so! Given that it may not poste properlych anon, ich will addend it here:
www.howdowetellourselvesthetruth.blogspot.com

vendredi, 12 septembre, 2008  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

PEYNT-BALLE. IS ÞAT WHAT ÞAI AREN CALLYNG YT ÞISE DAYES?

vendredi, 12 septembre, 2008  
Blogger FSJL said...

I feare thatte gode Capitaine Hammere shalle vndone bee.

dimanche, 14 septembre, 2008  
Blogger Gwan said...

And I thought the S-collar stood for 'swiven youre sostren'...

mardi, 16 septembre, 2008  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

How unbelieveably random... How on earth did you come up with this idea?

jeudi, 25 septembre, 2008  
Blogger E. L. Fay said...

Oh my gosh. I just found this blog today. This is quite possibly the most amazing thing I have ever seen on the Internet. It's even better than that Anne Frank-meets-Dragon Ball Z crossover fanfic one of my geeky friends found on LiveJournal. This is just hysterical!

(Sorry, I don't know Middle English.)

lundi, 29 septembre, 2008  
Blogger Niall Mor said...

Maistre Chaucer, my most puissant lords, &c,

Hastow seen thyse video? 'Tis said it lies upon a verray Tube of Yew, tho by my troth, I can espie no Yew and no Tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qod7nSGKag0

The churl hath a most excellente and bawdy witte and doth parodie thy poetrie. He hath provoked much merthe and jollitee, by Saint Loy1

vendredi, 17 octobre, 2008  
Anonymous Parantar said...

i found this blog also today from searching "blogspot"... god bless to the admin of this blog!

mardi, 21 octobre, 2008  
Blogger Mrs. C said...

Any chance we shall see your mauderings upon the coming eleccion? I await any new posting withe brethe y-bated...

mardi, 28 octobre, 2008  
Blogger arby said...

prod, prod...

mercredi, 05 novembre, 2008  
Blogger Andreas said...

Habes yee noted one articel whiche tells howe certayn councyl tryes to curtaile the usus linguae latinae? "A number" it telles "of locale councyls banned theyr staffe fromme using Latine werds! Ich been adstonyshed to hear what the spokespersonne had to sai.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7705922.stm

vendredi, 07 novembre, 2008  
Blogger Andreas said...

Habes thee knowne about this? Howe some poeples trye to forbide the usage of Roman tangue?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7705922.stm

lundi, 10 novembre, 2008  
Anonymous Nonie said...

Ywis ther hath been michel silense heer of late. Be it Master Chaucere or thys bold Crusade Heroe, ich wold rede many a merrie jape and wys tale more, an it plese thee. Speke agayn, endite onss more; lett thyn voyce be heard as we maken pilgrimage thorough thi Intartubes. Othre wys, thyss travelling ys loong and wearie.

Speke, o Sage! Or ich schal gette...um, moderne...upon thyn ers.

vendredi, 14 novembre, 2008  
Blogger Angry Kem said...

What Nonie sayde. Wher art tho, Maistre Chaucer?

mercredi, 19 novembre, 2008  
Blogger Mrs. C said...

Awright, in plain old NEW English then--give us this day or atleast one day SOON something for to READ. Please? Pretty please? Perhaps if you'd release THE MAN and hand him a quill again, we'd get fed around here...

mardi, 25 novembre, 2008  
Blogger Contemporary Troubadour said...

Maistre(s) of thys blogge,

Ich haue been a grete follower of youre puissante penne, and yt wolde yive me muche delight to rede of newe postes.

As a token of myne admiracioun, ich presente to yow this awarde at myne owne blogge (see belowe).

Benedicitee, maistres alle!

http://thisroamanticlife.blogspot.com

mercredi, 03 décembre, 2008  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Ich feare this Chaucer fellow mayhap be deade.

mardi, 09 décembre, 2008  
Blogger Dan Vader said...

Long live Owain Glyndŵr! For Wales you swine!

mercredi, 10 décembre, 2008  
Blogger arby said...

Ah, how I wish there were something shiny and new under the Chaucer Christmas tree this year. It would be, lyke, so rad! Merry Christmas, all. rb

mardi, 23 décembre, 2008  
Anonymous Ruth said...

ich have myn mydele Englysshe alle forgotten, so I hope you understand this modern-speke.
WHERE ARE YOU?
Come back!
Please?

vendredi, 13 février, 2009  
Anonymous Karen Dayle said...

First time to visit here i just want to say your blog is so cool! :) Great Job

mardi, 09 juin, 2009  

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