Ye maye have noticed that many thinges have chaunged wyth the "Synneflix" servys of the Hospital of St. Mary of Rouncesvalles ovir the past monethes. And yet todaye hath born a thinge of grete joye. BSR! (By Seynt Ronyon!) for the Pardoner himselfe hath written an emayle ful of grete care and wo and muchel language of lamentacioun, lyk unto the worke of Margerye Kempe. And in thys message he doth share al the conseil of his compayne Synneflix regarding the divers varietees of penaunce thei do nowe offere. Ich do use the magique of cutte and paste to putte the emayle heere, if ye have nat yet gazed upon it.
Very busye, but love to yow alle,
AN EMAIL FROM THE CHEEF PARDONER OF ST. MARY ROUNCESVALLES (i.e. SYNNEFLIX)
FROM: CHIEF PARDONER OF ST. MARY ROUNCESVALLES, AND LEDERE OF SYNNEFLIX
TO: OWER LOYALE BRETHREN AND SISTREN
RE: TRADITIOUNAL PENAUNCE VERSUS INDULGENCES VIA SYNNEFLIX
Mea maxima culpa. Ich moste maken explanacioun unto yow alle. Ich do wryte thys emayle aftir Ich have walked twelve tymes the roade from London to Canterbury and back wearinge no shoon and IV hayre-shirtes.
It appeareth from the feed-backe over the laste fewe fortnightes that many feythful soules did thinke we at Synneflix lakked in dignitee and humbleness by cause of the maner in which we did announcen the separacioun of tradiciounal penaunce and ower newe sale of indulgences, and eek the chaunges of donacioun required for ech different mode of achievinge spiritual helthe. Swich a thing was nat ower entente, and Ich do praye yow all may me pardon. Nowe Ich shall telle yow of how this cam to pass.
For many a yeere, my gretest feere for the Hospital of St. Mary Rouncesval and ower compaye of Synneflix hath been that we wolde nat maken the chaunge from success in regular penaunce to success in indulgences. Moost hooly orderes that have a knakke at sum thinge – lyk Cluny at beinge verye solemn or the Cistercianes at clearinge forestes – do nat become grete at noveltees that the folke desyre as the yeeres do passe (for us, this thinge is indulgences), by cause thei have greete feere of harminge their initiale actes of devocioun, or, as Odo of Cluny seyde, "ruininge the brand." In the ende, thes orderes com upon the realisacioun too late that thei have nat yiven enough labour to the development of newe practises, and thei lose all donaciouns and patronage and then sum newe order taketh ovir and getteth all the glorye, lyk the Franciscans.
Heere at Synneflix we are makinge a ful faste trasmutacioun, and yet Ich have nat written unto yow, deere brethren and sistren, and in that Ich have synned gretely ayeinst yow. Forsake nat yower spiritual kindred at Synneflix, that have alwey cared deeplye about removinge synne from yower soule and sylver from yower purs.
In the eye of my minde Ich see that as thes chaunges did come in ower systemes, Ich was soore tempted unto pryde by cause of the grete spirituale victories of the past. Long tyme, our hous hath thryved by makinge bettir ower servyces of penaunce, without muchel communicacioun from me to yow, our customers.
But nowe me peyneth soore that Ich have nat come amonge yow, in yower parisshe churches, and yiven unto yow, goode men and women, a justificacioun of the resons wherefor we aren separatinge tradiciounal penaunce and indulgences, and charginge moore for both. And eek if I do come to yower churches Ich also have some hoolye clawes of a velociraptor that, whenne plaunted in the grounde, do cause alle croppes to growe wyth grete vigor.
But ynogh about velociraptores: herkneth, lordinges, and Ich shall explayne our conseil and ower acciouns as in this caas. For as every soule doth knowe, radix malorum est absentia bonarum publicarum relationum.
Many goode soules love ower penaunce servyce, as Ich do, for it covereth nearlye everye synne that humankinde kan devise, and several othirs knowne oonly to Carolus de Sheene. We at Synneflix want to advertise the breadthe of ower incredible tradiciounal penaunce so that folk in every shire of Engelonde knowe that yt ys stille heere, and is a grete option for thos who wisshe to have their synnes absolved wythout a shadewe of a doubt. True penaunce in the olde style perchaunce may nat enduren for aye, but we wisshe yt to laste as longe as yt mighte. At leaste that ys what we are sayinge.
Yet Ich have grete love for ower indulgences, by cause thei are integrated ynto my TV, and Ich can receyve pardon a pena and a culpa eny tyme Ich do desyre. The benefits of ower indulgences are of a different and moore lucrative nature than the benefits of tradiciounal penaunce. We feele the neede to focus on rapid improvement as indulgence and pardon technologies evolve, wythout havinge to mayntainen compatibilitee wythe ower tradiciounal penaunce servyse.
So we did come to the realisacioun that penaunce and indulgences are becominge two busynesses that have bitwene them a grete diversitee, wyth verye different cost structures, different benefits that need to be marketed in different wyse, and different theological, eschatological, and liturgical implicaciouns, and we need to let ech oon growe and function on its owene. Yt is a soore thynge for me to saye this unto yow aftir many yeeres of yiving esy tradiciounal penaunce wyth pryde, but we we thynk it is necessarye and beest: in yet a few weekes, we shal yiven a newe name unto ower tradiciounal penaunce servyse, and we shal clepen yt “Slothster.”
We did choose the name “Slothster” for that it maketh reference to the sloth of which ye are guiltee if ye com nat to penaunce. We shall kepe the name Synneflix for indulgences aloon.
For me, the practys of traditional penaunce hath always been a thynge of joye, especiallye by cause our customers have putte their sylver into niftie red envelopes to signifien the payne of their sadnesse at their sinne. O, Ich do love thos red envelopes. How thei do tend to pyle up in the treasurie! Ower Slothster servys shal stille involve alle of thes steps, including the red envelopes.
And yet why nat consider indulgences? Reallye, seriouslye. Thei aren muchel faster, and ye can even purchas them upon yower Exboxe CCCLX.
Ye maye wisshe to purchas an indulgence eftsoon, for peraventure aftir redinge of thys message ye shal comen upon a peinture of a kitten wyth a lightsaber and ye shal laughen so harde that ye shal perisshe from this worlde. And then thy soule shal crye in helle for thou hast nat purchased an indulgence from us. Trewleye, ye shalle be ROTFITOD, or "rollinge on the floore in the outer darknesse."
Some theologians will likely thinken that we sholde nat splitte traditiounal penaunce and indulgences, for that it playeth faste and loose wyth doctrine. And sum "penaunce one poynt oh" folkes may saye that we sholde nat rename our tradiciounal penaunce “Slothster” for that swich a name tendeth to maken tradiciounal penaunce sound less attractif.
Ower viewe is that with this divisioun of the busynesses, we shal spreade moore blessedness thurgh the sale of indulgences, and we shal sprede moore blessedness thurgh tradiciounal penaunce. It may hap that we shal fynde we have chaunged too hastily – yet that lieth in the future and no man may know aught of it. Goinge forward, Slothster wille continue to runne the best tradiciounal penaunce servys, while Synneflix wille offer the best indulgence for many maner of synnes, hopefullye thurghout the globe of the erthe thurgh the succour of Brother Broadbande and Suster Aethernet.
It trewely doth myn herte good, moore so than a draughte of moyste and corny ale, that so many of yow brethren and sistren did sticken wyth us, and Ich aske grete pardon of thos who felt that we were despitous or shewinge of hoker or bisemare in ower treatement of them.
Wyth alle love and affecioun, and many a kisse of felawshep,
PARDONER IN CHIEF
P.S. Wolde any of yow wisshe to purchas the undershirt of screen legend Anthony Quinn? Yt is a thinge of grete value and ich kan guarantee yts authenticitee. And eek ther are also a fewe of the holy grayle for sale as well.