mercredi, septembre 27, 2006

Lowys Sez Blade Storm = Not Worth Your Time

Yo churlez and gentilz this is Lowys Chaucer. Dad is on his way to London and Wizzy-Minster for to speken of grete matirs touchynge the state of the reaume or some such like. SO FOR NOW you are treated to the extry crispy text and gloss of me, not-Litel no-Spittle Lowys Chaucer. And I, fellow$, am here to speak my mind in great anger, for I am riled to the mAximum by tidinges of the gaming industry.

Let this video clip be known to you:


OMG WHAT TOTAL INSOLENCE. THIS IS A RIP OFF OF MY FAVORITE GAME. Just some lamexxor copy of Crecy: Knight Commander. Wyth CKC dominating the genre of chivauchee/strategy simulatorz of our noble struggle against Fraunce, why does Sony come out and release this tun of lameage?

I got some of the sk1nny at the Game-spizzot here, and let me just go through and gloss these t1dynges per cola et commata for the benefit of you my fair audience so that you will not make the mistake of buying this salt-herring of a game.

In principio:
“Koei's other title, action epic Blade Storm, will be set in Europe during the Hundred Years War between the English and the French.”

ONLY ENGLISH AND FRENCH (I'm not going to call them Magna Carta, that is ridiculos)??? ALREADY CKC PWNZ BLADESTORM! – Soundz like with “Bladder Storm” all you can play is II sides. CKC has multiple factions, including the Castillians, the Scots, Brittany, and the Flemish (although everybody knowz that all the Flemish do in the game is eat cheese and have mystic ladies who chill in ovens).

Okay, we keep going:
“you neither control a hero character, nor do you take direct control of bodies of troops. Instead, you tell the units where or how to attack and they carry out those commands, with the individual soldiers using their own artificial intelligence to decide best how to do that.”

O RLY? And I bet parish priests use their t1thes to help poor people! "Individual soldiers using their own artificial intelligence"? If individual soldiers could do anything, we wouldnt need great knights and commanders, bold squires of blood and like enough banners to keep Parys Launcecrona in dresses until the coming of Antichrist. I read all the war mags and never have I heard footsoldiers use intelligence to decide anything. CKC totally simulates the absolute fear and reluctance of pikemen and bowmen to do anything but drink ale. I bet BS wont have the ‘get troops drunk on ale’ function or the ‘motivate troops through promise of plunder’ position. Bladestorm = not realistic.

And to all you haters who say CKC is all about spamming the longbow attack all the time, I say YALL ARE BUTTON-MASHERES WHO KONNE NAUGHT OF PROWESSE. Your not going to win spamming the longbow attack unless you build your ditches right and put a lot of time in to prayer and training. And ale. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PWN ANYONE AT CKC UNTIL YOU READ THE LAST PART OF AEGIDIUS ROMANUS, so stop trying to say it is easy. I bet noobs could learn all the strategy of 'bladestorm' without even touching Vegetius.

See, its the little features that make CKC stand out as the definitive game of the war of our rightful claim in France, the great touches that totally make you feel like a leader of great hosts of war, the which I am sure BS will not have. CKC’s ‘begin battle with speech about saint’s day’ feature is TEH AWESOME. Every time I am chivaucheeing against noobs online, I try to plan a major engagement near July 15 so I can be all like “IT IS ST SWITHUNZ DAY AND FOR XL MORE DAYS IT WILL BE RAINING THE BLOOD OF NOOBS.” FTW! Although LOL sometimes that shizznit trips me up like this one time it ended up the biggest fight was on August 25 and I so choked – I was all like ‘UH ER TODAY IS THE DAY OF SAINT GENESIUS PATRON SAINT OF ACTORS AND WHEN YOU ARE OLD YOU WILL FEAST THIS DAY AND SAY ‘THIS IS SAINT GENESIUS’ DAY’ AND THEN SOMEBODY WILL SAY ‘SCENE’.’ Ya – I know it doesnt make 1 groat of sense but thats whats fun about it. And I will put my lands to wed that BS will NOT have this feature so do not WASTE your time. BS will be a LAME hack and slash.

And while were listing the SORE LACKITUDE of this fugazy Bladestorm situation, scire facias this:
” You'll be able to choose from 10 playable characters at the outset, and more will become available as you progress through the game.”

Only X? Thats like having only three characterz in the romance of the rose. Theyre totally going to choose the basix, and they’ll do up all the outfits stupid like in those other koei games, like give Le Prince Noir some stupid all black costume (for real Prince Ed always dressed up like swamp thing, he was CRAZY about imitating a woodwose. Dad says at parties the Prince was always like doing woodwose stuff and people were like “enough with the woodwosery” and he was like “eff you all, I’m the black prince.”).

I am so betting they dont even include Sir Richard Scrope. Theyll probably not even throw in that poophead Simon Burley (one of my frendz wrote a mod for CKC that lets the you steal gold from other characters when you play Burley – so tru LOL).

And I bet there wont be parliamentary trials for your character if you sell your fortresses to the other side. Speaking of that, it dont look like BS mentions parliament at all which is totally lame since resource management makes the strategy in CKC really deep and immersive. The balance between teeing off your allies and making your peasantry go buck wild with hunger is one of the tru nuances of CKC. PURVEYANCE ROCKS OMG.

Although there is one thing that looks to be of the interesting. It seems this Blade Storm game has some frensshe chick who kind of looks like a dude and rides forth with a banner. I wonder who thats supposed to be. She looks like she is hella tough. I wonder if these game designers know something we dont know?

Okay, those are enough of my thoughts for this matter. & for those who do not like all this talk of video games, youlll get your potel-full of snore-a-rama politics when Dad gets to a wifi and starts blogging about parliament and london b.s. and all that other stuff yall scholars dig.

Holla.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonyme said...

That Saynts day feature is passing strange. As ye Frennsche, I dyd engage the Englyshe in Brabante, south of Bruxelles, vppon ye Daye of ye Assumption. Did it speake of ye Virgine? It dyd notte. It sayd:

IT IS ST NAPOLEON'S DAY

Whomever ye Helle Saynt Napoleon be.
But all dyd goe extremely welle, albeit my chevaliers dyd suffer badlie agaynst ye Englyshe foote. But, just as I wast about to seynde in my Garde, was I takyen in ye flanke by a hoste of Knyghtes of ye Teutonic Ordere, summoned hence by ye Englyshe leader, one Collye or summat of ye sorte.
Vndeed, I dyd saye "M*rde!" at ye arbytrairnesse of hit.

mercredi, 27 septembre, 2006  
Blogger Cassidy said...

Insuper, numerare non possunt. Post inceptum bellorum in MCCCXXXVII, C anni non praeterierunt.

mercredi, 27 septembre, 2006  
Blogger Lulu said...

Certes, Lowys, I would knoowe more of this frensh chick...

mercredi, 27 septembre, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

n00b

jeudi, 28 septembre, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

"n00b"

O yeah who sez? If U R serious you wouldnt be posting anonymouse like some quakende cowarde and feint-herte.

Lowys

jeudi, 28 septembre, 2006  
Blogger FSJL said...

Withe patience and humilitie we awaite
The nevvest gayme, though knowing it ben late.

samedi, 30 septembre, 2006  
Blogger Sir Percival said...

I mote hit wel auowen that Frensshe knyghtes hauen oft merueylous maystery of wepnes and doon wonderful faytes of armes, and this game beseemeth faire token of sum batelles yfoughten soorely.

I remembre wel that the Frensshe hadden eeke sondry gonnes at in hir hoostes after Charles the Daufyne fonge the troone of Fraunce maugre our traitee ysette at Troyes. Many gonnes and bomberdes weren at Castillone whanne hit felle, and hir balles al forhewen stoute menn at armes out of mesure, but sum Frensshe axe claue Lord Talbotes hedde in twayne.

samedi, 30 septembre, 2006  
Anonymous Justin said...

Speakst thou of ye Frenshe of Stratford-atte-Bow, or ye Frenshe of Parys?

dimanche, 01 octobre, 2006  
Anonymous my ladye of somersette said...

Lowys, gette thee a lyffe!!

lundi, 02 octobre, 2006  
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