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samedi, septembre 30, 2006

Quick Chekke-In

This is juste a smal missive to saye that ich am heere in Londoun and redy for parlement in westminstyre on the morwe. Tommy Vske was nat able to offer me hospitalitee for -- By Seynt Valentine! -- he hath sum ladye stayinge over. Ich know litel of her saue that she beth ycleped 'Margaret.' He promiseth me that we shall brunchen togedir sum tyme this week. He beginneth to throwen hym self aboute as if he were all that and a bagge of oat-cakes. Nichil asperius paupero cum surget in altum.

So, beinge thus sexiled, I haue taken the hospitalitee of my verye talle frende Guillelmus Langlande. Livinge in a cotte in Cornhulle wyth a tall angrie poet, hys wyf Kytte and hys doghter Calotte ys nat exactlie myn idee of a holidaye, but ich wisshe to kepe my parliamentarye fee for to purchasen sum bookes, so no fancie hostelrye for me.

Eny way, ich am vsing the wireless at Paternoster rowe, and a scrivener is yivinge me dirty lookes. Moore to come whan Parliament beginneth.

mercredi, septembre 27, 2006

Lowys Sez Blade Storm = Not Worth Your Time

Yo churlez and gentilz this is Lowys Chaucer. Dad is on his way to London and Wizzy-Minster for to speken of grete matirs touchynge the state of the reaume or some such like. SO FOR NOW you are treated to the extry crispy text and gloss of me, not-Litel no-Spittle Lowys Chaucer. And I, fellow$, am here to speak my mind in great anger, for I am riled to the mAximum by tidinges of the gaming industry.

Let this video clip be known to you:


OMG WHAT TOTAL INSOLENCE. THIS IS A RIP OFF OF MY FAVORITE GAME. Just some lamexxor copy of Crecy: Knight Commander. Wyth CKC dominating the genre of chivauchee/strategy simulatorz of our noble struggle against Fraunce, why does Sony come out and release this tun of lameage?

I got some of the sk1nny at the Game-spizzot here, and let me just go through and gloss these t1dynges per cola et commata for the benefit of you my fair audience so that you will not make the mistake of buying this salt-herring of a game.

In principio:
“Koei's other title, action epic Blade Storm, will be set in Europe during the Hundred Years War between the English and the French.”

ONLY ENGLISH AND FRENCH (I'm not going to call them Magna Carta, that is ridiculos)??? ALREADY CKC PWNZ BLADESTORM! – Soundz like with “Bladder Storm” all you can play is II sides. CKC has multiple factions, including the Castillians, the Scots, Brittany, and the Flemish (although everybody knowz that all the Flemish do in the game is eat cheese and have mystic ladies who chill in ovens).

Okay, we keep going:
“you neither control a hero character, nor do you take direct control of bodies of troops. Instead, you tell the units where or how to attack and they carry out those commands, with the individual soldiers using their own artificial intelligence to decide best how to do that.”

O RLY? And I bet parish priests use their t1thes to help poor people! "Individual soldiers using their own artificial intelligence"? If individual soldiers could do anything, we wouldnt need great knights and commanders, bold squires of blood and like enough banners to keep Parys Launcecrona in dresses until the coming of Antichrist. I read all the war mags and never have I heard footsoldiers use intelligence to decide anything. CKC totally simulates the absolute fear and reluctance of pikemen and bowmen to do anything but drink ale. I bet BS wont have the ‘get troops drunk on ale’ function or the ‘motivate troops through promise of plunder’ position. Bladestorm = not realistic.

And to all you haters who say CKC is all about spamming the longbow attack all the time, I say YALL ARE BUTTON-MASHERES WHO KONNE NAUGHT OF PROWESSE. Your not going to win spamming the longbow attack unless you build your ditches right and put a lot of time in to prayer and training. And ale. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PWN ANYONE AT CKC UNTIL YOU READ THE LAST PART OF AEGIDIUS ROMANUS, so stop trying to say it is easy. I bet noobs could learn all the strategy of 'bladestorm' without even touching Vegetius.

See, its the little features that make CKC stand out as the definitive game of the war of our rightful claim in France, the great touches that totally make you feel like a leader of great hosts of war, the which I am sure BS will not have. CKC’s ‘begin battle with speech about saint’s day’ feature is TEH AWESOME. Every time I am chivaucheeing against noobs online, I try to plan a major engagement near July 15 so I can be all like “IT IS ST SWITHUNZ DAY AND FOR XL MORE DAYS IT WILL BE RAINING THE BLOOD OF NOOBS.” FTW! Although LOL sometimes that shizznit trips me up like this one time it ended up the biggest fight was on August 25 and I so choked – I was all like ‘UH ER TODAY IS THE DAY OF SAINT GENESIUS PATRON SAINT OF ACTORS AND WHEN YOU ARE OLD YOU WILL FEAST THIS DAY AND SAY ‘THIS IS SAINT GENESIUS’ DAY’ AND THEN SOMEBODY WILL SAY ‘SCENE’.’ Ya – I know it doesnt make 1 groat of sense but thats whats fun about it. And I will put my lands to wed that BS will NOT have this feature so do not WASTE your time. BS will be a LAME hack and slash.

And while were listing the SORE LACKITUDE of this fugazy Bladestorm situation, scire facias this:
” You'll be able to choose from 10 playable characters at the outset, and more will become available as you progress through the game.”

Only X? Thats like having only three characterz in the romance of the rose. Theyre totally going to choose the basix, and they’ll do up all the outfits stupid like in those other koei games, like give Le Prince Noir some stupid all black costume (for real Prince Ed always dressed up like swamp thing, he was CRAZY about imitating a woodwose. Dad says at parties the Prince was always like doing woodwose stuff and people were like “enough with the woodwosery” and he was like “eff you all, I’m the black prince.”).

I am so betting they dont even include Sir Richard Scrope. Theyll probably not even throw in that poophead Simon Burley (one of my frendz wrote a mod for CKC that lets the you steal gold from other characters when you play Burley – so tru LOL).

And I bet there wont be parliamentary trials for your character if you sell your fortresses to the other side. Speaking of that, it dont look like BS mentions parliament at all which is totally lame since resource management makes the strategy in CKC really deep and immersive. The balance between teeing off your allies and making your peasantry go buck wild with hunger is one of the tru nuances of CKC. PURVEYANCE ROCKS OMG.

Although there is one thing that looks to be of the interesting. It seems this Blade Storm game has some frensshe chick who kind of looks like a dude and rides forth with a banner. I wonder who thats supposed to be. She looks like she is hella tough. I wonder if these game designers know something we dont know?

Okay, those are enough of my thoughts for this matter. & for those who do not like all this talk of video games, youlll get your potel-full of snore-a-rama politics when Dad gets to a wifi and starts blogging about parliament and london b.s. and all that other stuff yall scholars dig.

Holla.

samedi, septembre 16, 2006

Vnpleasant September

It hath been longe syn ich haue writen eny thing for my blog. Pour voir dire For to speken trewely, ther beth but litel mirthe and solaas yn myn hous, and lik-wise in al the houses of Engelonde. Al the moneth of August and nowe yn to the temperat moneth of September, mony tidynges haue yronne thurgh the reaume of a greet navie fleet of shippes that the Frensshe haue gadrid at Sluys. Every shire feareth an invasioun!

And thus Philippa is al vp on me about goinge to Londoun for Parlement. Ich am yerne to goon to speke of the gret matirs of the reaume wyth ful loial corage, and to peraventure do sum ‘networkinge’ that may winne me a bettir job. And yet Philippa wisheth me to stayen at hoom.

Alwey she saith thus: “Forwhy dide Godde yive thee eares, Geoffrey, whan thou opst hem nat to eny sense? Thou art ever frowarde, that dare I swear. Al the folke of London murmren as bees doth in an hyve that the Frensshe shal eftsoon come to Londoun-toun and maken siege and assaut vpon it! Kanst thou, Geoffrey, holde off the knightes of Fraunce wyth yower games of video, or wyth yower litel woolen hatte?”

And she hath a poynt, for Tommy Vske hath wroot me of the hullabaloo that taketh place in Londoun thes dayes. Al who kepen menage hous in Londoun haue been commandid to laye doun store of provisions ynogh for III moneths if the Frensshe should make siege. And sum men of Londoun, y trowe, haue torne the houses doun that stood neigh to the walles, to make hem moore redy for defens. And the fishmongeres hath preparid greet trebuchets machines of werre with whiche they shal hurle salt-herringe at the foe-men whanne they come up the Thamis. The poulterers haue trained XL cokkes to fly wyth bombes of fyre and poudre yfastned to ther talons, and droppe doun vpon the shippes of the Frensshe. Ther haue eek ben sum suggestions involving serpentes. And sum men flee the citee, or dispend al ther worldlie goodes for thei thinke they shal haue but litel tyme left to lyve as fre men.

And eek no soul speketh wel of the Frensshe in al of Engelonde. Ywis, in eny phrase or name which bifor had the wordes ‘Frensshe’ or ‘Fraunce,’ nowe for loue of Engelonde and Seynt George and good Kyng Richard al men say in sted ‘Magna Carta.’ And thus we eten of ‘Magna Carta fries’ and ‘Magna Carta breed’ and do ower legal pledinge in ‘Law Magna Carta.’ Ich chide litel Lowys for ‘Magna Carta kissinge’ on dates and the whil ich wayte up for hym to return ich do rede wyth muchel delit the lais of ‘Marie de Magna Carta.’ Syn everychoon pretty much still useth the Magna Carta language for commerce, and chevisaunce, and lawe, thinges are a bit of a mess.

And thus al is nat wel chez chaucer at myn hous. Parlement a big meetinge? Parliament shal be a tyme to speken of gret matirs, for the kinge nedeth moneye for defens. No matir what Philippa saith, ich feere no Magna Carta invasion of Londoun, and ich shal go and speke for my shire. Eek, ich shal pick up sum of my annuittees and also ich am supposid to testify for my lord and buddy Sir Richard Scrope. And it shal be good to see Tommy Vske ayein. Also, it wolde much plese me to see thos trayned attak chickens.

Ich shall writ ayein whanne ich come to Londoun! Parliament openeth on october 1st. Ich haue ben toold that ther shal be a recepcioun wyth shrimpe cocktailes on the first daye. Also, my lord the kinge hath sente me a liste of 'talking poyntez.'

Le VostreYoweres treuli,
GC