samedi, août 05, 2006

Ich pwne noobs!

O my gentil rederes, it hath been a thinge of muche difficultee and laboure for to type euen the smallest entrie in myn blogge. For somer, lyk vnto a songe of Barry Manilow, hath ydrawn alle the spirit and vigor from my limbes and hert. For the gretre part of the hot moneth of July ich laye in my garden on my comfortable lawn-chaire and langwisshed lyk vnto sum yonge lover who hath ydumpede been. Ich daubede myn foreheed wyth a moyste towel and did drinke mvch of somer drinkes swich as margaritae and daquiri.

By night, ich busyede myself with wrytynge of my Tales of Canterburye. And yet methinketh that the somer hete did even then overwhelme my fantasie, for alle of the tales ich enditede dide involve snowe and watir and plesaunte coolinge pass-tymes. In the Knightes Tale, ich wrote that Theseus did constructe a grete swimminge poole in which Arcite and Palamon wolde pleye of marco polo for the winninge of Emilye. The Nonnes Preestes tale was of a penguin ycleped Chanticleer. The Monkes tale was a liste of thos who stood in heigh degree and from yt felle and aftir wente on vacacioun in plesaunte tropicale isles. Alas! Yt semeth that ich muste crosse ovt much of this werke and starte ayein from the beginninge. Yet peraventure ich shal lete stande the Squires tale of Frostie the Snowman and how he was drawen limbe from limbe by Cambyuskan the grete kinge of Tartarye for to be putte in coolinge drinkes, and how aftir, Cambyuskan’s doghter Canacee did fynde the corne-cobbe pipe and button nose and knewe of hir fadires crueltee.

And yet the thinge moost detrimentale to my werke did come nat from the hete, but from my sone. Oon night whanne ich coud write no more, ich herde from litel Lowyses room terrible soundes and grete crashinges and betinges of taboures. Quakynge wyth drede, ich opnede hys doore, and founde hym hole and sounde.

‘What maner of grete din ys that?’ quod Ich.

‘Unwack yowerself a litel, Dizzad. Ich am playinge Auriole,’ Lowys replyede, and did poynte towardes hys ‘Exboxe CCCLX.’

By Seynt Nintendus, ich thoghte to myself, thes aren thos 'video games' the which Lowys ys alwey pleyinge. A grete curiousitee dide posess me, and so ich askede Lowys to shewe me of the propertees of the games. He taughte me the lore of thes merveilous stories, the which aren peyntures that moue and haue sounde and often are made yn Japan, and aren controllid by a small devyce or engine ycovered wyth buttones that ys helde yn the hand.

Heu michi quod sterilem uitam duxi iuvenilem! Ther were no swich games of video whanne ich was a yonge man, and thus ich knewe litel of the sport and mirthe that ys in hem. For soothly, thei aren quite clever and also do improue the coordinacioun of the hande and the eye. Lowys and ich dide sette at pleyinge of the games and we stoppid nat vntil the cokke of morwenyge dide crowe. It rockede, and from thenne on ich was caught in the trappe. Thus my Tales of Canterburye were on the back-burner yputte. The dayes aren fulle of reste, and the nightes fulle of games of video. Whanne Philippe chid me yestirmorn for pleyinge of youthful sporte ich tolde hir that thys was a grete waye to bonde wyth Lowys; she seyde in replye, 'Whatevir happenede to helpinge hym wyth his grammer homewerke?' (for she ys a woman who loveth the laste worde moore than ower lord Jesu).

Here beginneth the descripcioun of the Ludi de Visionibus

Syn ye, my rederes, are folke lyk myself who kanne noght of games of video, ich thoghte ich wolde here descriven the wondirs of thes tales, and liste the names of sum of the moore notable games, as Lowys hath informede me of hem and shewn hem to me on hys manye computirs and consoles of gamynge.

DONKEYE-KYNGE: Yn thys game, ye playe a peasaunt who hath yn his care a smal donkeye. Ye use the gentil beeste to dryve yower carte and to transporte donge, for which ye are payde ful litel, and yet ye muste kepe obeiant and meke to wards the bettir and mower substantiale menne of yower village. At the ende of XX minutes, a purveyor of the kinge cometh and taketh aweye the donkey, and then ye, the pesaunte, are sesed wyth despayr and do falle deed. Then ye, the playere, are rankid by how manye piles of donge ye hauen transportid and wyth howe much meekeness.

CIVILISATIOUN: Yn this ful lernede game, ye playe the ful course of civilisacioun on the globe of the erthe. Erst, ye do governe the civilisacioun of the Golden Age, and gathir acornes and the croppes that the erthe ytself doth yive forth withouten labour. Lowys sayeth that this part of the game ‘sucketh’ for ther ys no werre or fightinge. And then oon of yower folke fyndeth golde in the grounde, and an othir iren for to make wepnes of werre and thus the golden age doth ende. In sequence, ye playe thurgh the grete tymes of the Babyloniens, the Persyenes, and Alixaundre, and the Romayns, and then then ye come to the age of Steel, the which ys oure tyme, of longe werres and terrible, and of the divisioun bitwene the popes of Rome and Avignon and the Grete Pestilence. At the ende of the game, ye do muche penaunce for the sinnes of the werlde and thanne ther ys sum musique.

TROJAN KOMBAT: Yn this game of video, ye playe oon of the renouned knightes of Troye or Grece, and do battel yn single combat by pressinge the buttons on yower controller. My fauorite character ys Troylus! Ech caracter hath the same ‘basic moves,’ but yf ye presse the buttones yn speciale combinaciouns, the characteres kan do ‘special moves.’ Ich haue heere ycopyed the special moues for Troylus, for my remembraunce:

A + A + UP + DOUNE: The ‘Canticus Troili’: it bringeth yn Pandarus to fight alongside Troylus.

A + UP + LEFT + RIGHT + B: The ‘Litera Troili’: it maketh Troylus to sitte adown and rolle hys herte to and fro to seke how he may best descryven his wo to hys ladye (-nat verye effective in combat!!)

B + A + DOWN + DOWN + UP + UP + A + CROSS YOWERSELFE: Maketh Troylus to speke of divine purveyaunce, the whiche doth paralyse yower opponente wyth confusioun

...and yet, wyth alle thes speciale moues, everye tyme that ich playe Troylus, Lowys doth playe Achille, and ich am defeatede!

TYGER WOODSES HUNTINGE AND HAWKINGE: This game doth make simulacioun of noble sportes, so that thos who aren nat of rich estaat maye ride of fyne horses and chase the kinges deere and hawke wyth gode briddes of preye. This game taketh the name of the grete hunter and falconer Tigere Woods, who hath IV tymes taken the prize of the Maysteres Tournament of Falconry, and twies won the daye at the PGA Championshippe of Boare-Huntinge. Manye a time haue ich sene nobles go to hawke and hunte, and ich do promise yow that this game ys verye realistic. At the ende of the hunte, noble ladyes come to the partye of hunteres and ther ys gentil talke of loue (presse B as faste as ye kan and ye shalle sigh wyth grete loue and affecioun!) and al the while the churles preparen the deere for roastinge. Ye kan choose to playe as seuerale noble hunteres, yncludynge my lord Johannes of Gaunte (BSL! He muste haue needed sum extra cashe for hys werres yn Spayne!!).

AURIOLE: This game ys of the kynde ycleped ‘FPS,’ or ‘firste-persone sermon,’ in whiche ye see as yf out of the eyes of a noble prechour named Mayster Cheeve, and ye traverse the countree prechynge to manye folke. Ye fynde manye bookes of storyes of deedes of seyntes and manye bookes of lore with whiche ye maye equip yowerselfe. My fauorite ys John Bromyardes Summa predicantium - it hath the longest range and ys effective ayeinst alle classes of societee. Sum tyme yn the game ye espyen heretickes, and ye maye kille hem wyth the aide of the seculer authoritees. Yf ye haue grete success, ye receyve an auriole that shineth arounde yower hede. Ye kan also playe this game in competicioun wyth otheres ‘on-line,’ in whatte ys callid a ‘dethe matche.’ Ther ys a maner of speche vsid by thos who playe Auriole in ‘deth matches’– to winne a game ys to ‘pwne’ the othir playeres; conversiones thurgh yower prechynge are called ‘fragges,’ and thos who are of litel experience (lyk myself) are yclepede ‘noobs,’ or novices.

GRANDE THEFTE, COLLUSIOUN, AND MAYNTENANCE: Ich had herde of this game bifor, for manye a petiticioun hath ben yiven to the kinge in parlemente concerynyge the threte that thys game wille make childrene in to violent felouns. Ich was astonyed to heere that Lowys had boughte it hym self, by bribinge a clerk of the video games store. And yet, ther ys litel mattir for worrye, for the game itself ys a satire of the disordred state of lawe in this contree. Ye run arounde and commit various actes of trespass with force and armes, and then use yower patrones and affinitee groupes to get yow out of prisone. Ther ys even a 'mini game' yn whiche a sheriff doth presente yow wyth a writ to appeare in courte and ye teare yt yn piece-meale (by pressinge the A button very faste!). Ye gayne riche landes by doynge yower neighbours wronges and oppressiouns. Ye kan evene take the liverie of various corrupt local lordes, and putte the robes and hattes and pinnes on and looke at yowerself yn the mirour. Althogh ich trye to be a man of moralitee, ich muste admit that this game ys verye fun! Every tyme ich do commit trailbaston and hitte a lawyer ovir the heede to take of hys coynes, ich do pretende yt ys that wankere Johannes Gower! Ywis, ich do thinke that this game pleseth nat the menne of parlement for yt striketh verye close to the merke.

And so, my noble rederes, vntil the hete of somer fullie abateth, ich shal be up wyth litel Lowys, in hys attic room, playinge of video games and drinkinge depe draughtes of mountayne dewe. C U L8re, gentilz!

41 Comments:

Anonymous Thomas filius Alanis de Arundel, archiepiscopus Cantuarensis said...

Ywis, Maistre Chavcer, thatte thov hastnat atte thyne werke bin suuinken. Thisse is butte an form of lvxvrie and thov shalt penance maken. It seemeth me thatte an pilgrimage to Caunterbvry ben nat inough to wipen ovte thysse sinne. Therefore, uue doe urge thee to maken pilgrimage to Hierosolyma.

samedi, 05 août, 2006  
Blogger Octavia said...

Does the archbishop mean to imply that the playing of games of video is equivalent to lasciviousness? Mine Oxford English Dictionary doth inform me that the word "luxury" meaneth lustfulness and lasciviousness, yet it seemeth me that Mr. Chaucer's blogge post hath no such flavour about it.

(Please pardon my strange dialect; I dwell in a barbarian land yclepped "Utah," and I fear that the local churlish way of speech hath affected myn own speaking and writing.)

dimanche, 06 août, 2006  
Blogger Brontëana said...

Well y woll felicitate you for makinge ye 'beste sexe' liste of ye penguine bookes, maistre Chavcer! Here ben oon linke fore infomacioun on myn blogge. Alas, y am over lazie and have nought of linke originale.

dimanche, 06 août, 2006  
Anonymous thomas filius alanis de arundel, cantuar. arch. said...

Lvxvrie it is, for the natural covrse of the affecciouns be tane awaie fro a a manne's wyf and be directed to the game of uideo.

dimanche, 06 août, 2006  
Blogger JKW said...

Wait, wait, it's summer and you're not drinking Pimm's? What gives?

lundi, 07 août, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Wait, wait, it's summer and you're not drinking Pimm's? What gives?

Ich prefere to drinke of thinges the whiche ich kan prepare bifore-hand yn a large picher. Also, ich wolde fayne use ower blendre as much as possible, for no thynge pleseth me mowere on thes dayes than the whirringe and crushinge of ice with gode syrup and booze ymixede. Thus, frozen drinkes of the tropiques and of the lande of the azteques aren by far the waye to go. Live locallye, drynke globallye.

lundi, 07 août, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Well y woll felicitate you for makinge ye 'beste sexe' liste of ye penguine bookes, maistre Chavcer

Manye thankes for makynge mencioun of this linke, gode scoler of the Brontees. Ich shal pooste of it eftsoon. Yt doth plese me much for to be named yn the same list as the grete Anaiys Nin.

lundi, 07 août, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Lvxvrie it is, for the natural covrse of the affecciouns be tane awaie fro a a manne's wyf and be directed to the game of uideo.

Hoc vitium de ludis de visionibus adscribi potius ad 'accidiam' quam ad 'luxuriam' mihi videtur.

-Humilis presbyter de Anglia

lundi, 07 août, 2006  
Blogger Cranmer said...

His Grace has recently been alerted to the existence of this blog, and is delighted by its wit, scholarship, and artistry.

+Cranmer

lundi, 07 août, 2006  
Blogger Sir Percival said...

My Lorde Archbysshop, I mote youre escellence confessen that I haue eke games of vydeo playde, but I merueyl whether ye myghten hem demen thynges synnful, for therein I haue yfoughten and yslayen al manner of foule feendes of helle and euyl menn that hem seruen, in especyalle in oone game yclept Dyabloo, whylche is to sayen the deuel in oure Englysshe tonge, wherein the gamere deleth for to sauuen the werlde from the feendes of helle by mene of helpe heuenly. And after I playe this game, I haue grete wylle to setten me to vertue and goode werkes. Wel I woote that this be but a game whereby I maye vnnethe helpen myne sauuacyoune, but methynketh hit in noone wyse emperylleth myne soule. Yet ye are forsooth ryght wyse and lernede and I am but a lewed knyght bacchelere and yonge, and I shal youre rede heden vnto this mattere.

Yet myn herte is heuy that I haue fewe games yfounden whereof a knyght may iusten and fyghte at torneyes for honoure of fayre damoyselles and vse wepones and thewes assygned vnto the Ordre of Chyualry, al als Ramon Lulle, a ryghte wyse clerke of Cattalony, recounteth in his boke.

Syr Percyuale of Wales

lundi, 07 août, 2006  
Anonymous thomas filius alanis de arundel, archiepiscopus cantuarensis said...

Sir Percivale, hit meseemeth thatte yn mattres of synne a propre confessioun and penaunce, yncluding alle fees dew, may in some form yreched bin. Ovre cathidral chirche doth regularlie needen repaires, and ye costes of ovre palas at Lambethe ben moste high. An contribucioun of selver and gold woolde goe a longe waie in securinge remissioun of synne.

Thenne will thyn herte be lighte, and thou maiest unto the approved games of uideo of freres Bacon and Bungay goe.

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Blogger JKW said...

Well, Pimm's is usually mixed with lemonade in a pitcher that's full of fruit. Doesn't that count as something that you can prepare beforehand in a pitcher?

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Well, Pimm's is usually mixed with lemonade in a pitcher that's full of fruit.

Methinketh that ye are retaynede by the hous of Pimm, sir. Ich shalle yive yt a trye. Ich do feere, thogh, that yt packeth nat the punche of tequille or rumme.

Le Vostre
GC

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Blogger JKW said...

Pimm's is a more civilised buzz than tequila or rum. Some friends and I got loaded off Pimm's a few weeks ago in Oxford, and we were pleased to be both drunk and fortified with vitamin C.

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Blogger Brontëana said...

De rien. M'thinketh thou well pleased muste be whan that thou hast ne tales of Cantvrbry completeed, yet thes same tales ben so exhalteed on listes of strange londes- it be a grete joye, and signe of goodes thinges to come.

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Ich doe greteli feere thys tales of Caunterburye mocht nevir bee enfinyshid, Maistre Chaucer! But ich delyght yn thyne tales from thi aether. The dystracteth mee from myne treatyse De Ironia Anglorum...

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Y're back, BSL! (After a chat in an elevator with Dr. C. Barron, I wonder - is the Saint Loy ***the Goldsmith*** thing actually some sort of Tommy Usk-ism?)

There was some concern about your silence at the New You Society Congress at Fordham in New York the other week. Don't imagine we aren't all using your blog to prepare our Fall semester classes, GC - you can't desert us now, marguerite or no margueritae.

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

(After a chat in an elevator with Dr. C. Barron, I wonder - is the Saint Loy ***the Goldsmith*** thing actually some sort of Tommy Usk-ism?)

Ywis, whanne ich come to thinken on yt, yt was in dede T-Dogg who did starte me on that phrase. And he was alwey dragginge me to goldsmithes recepciounes in hir halle. Thei kan afforde sum prettye nice shrimpe cocktayles, thogh yt ys a harde thinge to sitte thurgh the longe speches of Adam 'Battye' Bamme.

Helas! Nowe ich do pyne for Londoun ayein. Ah well, Tommy Vske ys nat levynge the citee eny tyme soon, so ich shal alwey be able to goon to visit hym. Peraventure whanne he beth my age, he shal be a rich burgess and kepe a fyne hous, in whiche we kan throwe parteez.

Le Vostre
GC

mardi, 08 août, 2006  
Anonymous Henry Lovelich said...

In soothe, Maistre Chavcer, ich wolde paye muchel golde for a garmente on whiche was inscribed the wordes, "Ich pwne noobs." Paraventure the dowghty swains at http://www.purepwnage.com mighte object and demanden grete royaltyes, and yet ich desiren suche a garmente. Ich knowe notte how ich shalle euere complete my grete worke on Merlyn withoute swiche a reminder that noobs be oft tymes pwned by mee.

mercredi, 09 août, 2006  
Blogger Sir Percival said...

Hit were ful fayre day if sume mann us feesteden at his halle lyke als Maystre Chaucer sayeth, and there we mayen drynken mycchel of this pleasaunt lyquoure that hyght Pymmes and we mayen us setten to swyche games and reuels als Troien Combat, for I wolde wel seen lytel Lowys dele mervyellous strookes and faytes of armes and wynn his worshyppe at pwnagge. And if Syr Trystram of Lyonesse come, he forsooth wil forpwnen out of mesure at Tyger Woodses Huntyng and Haukyng, sythen he was makere of these twoo desportes.

And as for Ciuylisacyoune, methynketh hit were goode to entreten peece and accord vnto the Tartares, and senden vnto hyr kynge that hyght Cambyuskan gyftes of wonderful vertue, lyk as brasen hors, myrroures, golden rynges and swerdes.

mercredi, 09 août, 2006  
Anonymous Bonifatia said...

Swich a Tee-shirte hath been ymade alredy...
http://geekorama.org/2006/01/14/ja-ich-pwne-n00bs

jeudi, 10 août, 2006  
Anonymous Henry Lovelich said...

Gramercie, my Ladye Bonifatia, but thys garmente ben inscribed with the wordes "i pwn n00bs" and doth be, in fact, the verray garmente ywoven by the dowghty swains of the Purest Pwnage on the Internette. Theye are righte noble menne, and theye ken muchel micro, but theye speake notte the tongue of Ynglisshe in the mannere to whiche Y am accoustumed. Alack the daye.

jeudi, 10 août, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Maistre Lovelich, now ich see ful well my greet foolishnesse, when the whole jape of thisse T-Shire is that it is ywritten in a good Ynglisshe, and eke, that ye alreadye spoke about the selfsame menne as haue made the T-Shirte ich shoued ye.

Alas, my own Ynglisshe is verraylie a badde one, eke, for Y am frome a straunge, faraway countrie.

vendredi, 11 août, 2006  
Blogger cheesemeister said...

It bryngeth mvch mirth to mine Curmudgeon heart to see ye great Chaucer makyng comment vpon ye issues of ye modern day!

vendredi, 11 août, 2006  
Anonymous Erica said...

Indede, thou'rt wode and steped in luxurie yf margaritas bibas, as whilom did Caesaris seductresse!

Yt wolde bettere be to mak confesioun to some ghostlie father than to stepe thynself in ludis and synne!

dimanche, 13 août, 2006  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

i disagree with post #7. cats like to eat salmagundi.

mercredi, 16 août, 2006  
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mercredi, 16 août, 2006  
Anonymous Sir Kenneth of Cambridge said...

Guid sir Chavcer,
Hast thou given thought to ye freqvent ludis or playing of ye games engine? Verily, mine master doth proclaim it to be sinne-full and a disgrace unto ye hovse of Godde. Canst this be so, when it harmeth no manne nor faire dame, and wasteth only the houres of sunne-light?

jeudi, 17 août, 2006  
Anonymous Kenneth the Elder said...

Maistre Chaucer,
whatte enginne of ludis dost though finde most agreeable?

Ich hath receiveth from afar tales of the engines of Micro-softus. From the far Easte the Lord Marco Polo bringeth newes of enginnes of Nintendus and of LudisStation II and III guarded by a master who is called Sony. Hast thou or scribes of this fair blogge made proclaiment on such matters?

jeudi, 17 août, 2006  
Blogger Rick Gauger said...

This is the funniest, most brilliant thing I have ever seen!!

mercredi, 30 août, 2006  
Anonymous Sigismund said...

Heu michi quod sterilem uitam duxi iuvenilem! I strugle myghtly wyth thy latine. Dosdow myn "Smells lyk teen spyrit?"

mercredi, 30 août, 2006  
Anonymous Wizzel Cogcarrier Wizzleton IV said...

Thou haftt beene permalynkéd. Shouldst thou feele the neede, thou may't doe the saym for myn owne humble workf of lettres.

Thif blogg is teh ubår sweetneff, if thou wilt pardonne the cruditîe of that vilest of ekspressions. Whosoever of myn country-menne employs such rough in a regularre fashion speech may't have the filthye tong's of the faym cut from the headds in short ordder!

vendredi, 01 septembre, 2006  
Blogger sean said...

Forsooth, ich eke playe the diversioun Auriole. Ich eke am gode wyth mine conversiouns using fragges. Yet mine fauoryte tool for conversioun is ye majical sward of inquisitioune. Certes fragges soomtymes cavse dystresse to fellowe blacke crowes, but exitus acta probat. Mine crowes luik a wee bit dozzened, yntil Ich clepen “Mea Culpa”. ‘Swounds, ofttimes the diversioun becoomes bluidy whence heretiks cosset theire persons in edifices. Thys a more dillygent method ys neccesarie, clepen hammer of Jesu.

dimanche, 04 février, 2007  
Anonymous Sir Robert Wesley of Hampshire said...

Forsooth, Ich also eke playd such games as Donkeye Kynge, Auriole, and Grande Thefte, Collusioun and Mayntenance. yhey do naught but to dystracte ye from evyryday lyfe. Alas, Ich contynue to playe! Ah, c'est la vie.

mercredi, 21 février, 2007  
Anonymous Neyne said...

Thou mekest myn sydes aeche wys laughs, Maistre Chavcer.

Ich pwne n00bs es wyll.

(Perdyn thou myn churlish way of speech-- myn educaesion of thy lyngage ist poor es Heyll itsylf)

dimanche, 11 mars, 2007  
Blogger Brad said...

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jeudi, 22 mars, 2007  
Anonymous Neyne said...

Bvt yon othyr coummynt hath Ich-

Civilisatioun sucketh not!

vendredi, 11 mai, 2007  
Anonymous Barnaby85 said...

Goode Sir, me lyk wel thyn konnynge mannere to konueie suche heigh esteme for deyetale game. Forsoothe ich pley myn Xbox CCCLX to, and ysene the goode Sir liketh Freezepoppe.

Wostow Rock Band II hath goode Freezepoppe game songes to pleye? Sprode and Brainpower, haue a looke: http://www.rockband.com/music/songs

Thys blogge ys fantastique. Loue yt.

vendredi, 07 novembre, 2008  
Blogger The Reporter said...

Penance there is, yet also the immediate glory of having 'fragged' so many potential sinners.

(I admit to requesting a translation of 'Auriole' as I speak only the corrupt English vernacular.)

samedi, 15 novembre, 2008  
Anonymous Anonyme said...

Gode Maistre Reporter,

Ane "Auriole" is to seyen, that godeley ryng of light that shineth en ronde the heydis of the saunctifyed.

All so it is yclepit "Halo," seestow. Ond yf this Maistre Cheeve doth godely deeds ynow, he schal sych an haloe been yeven.

Praised be oure Lorde, who sich merveyls werketh for oure saluacion!

--Nonie

vendredi, 16 janvier, 2009  
Anonymous Von said...

Laugheth ich so ful atte yower storie of 'video games.' Yf ich koude pleyen Donkeye-Kynge, I wolde be swich a joly wight. Y praye yow to fynde som programer to this game make. What a goode jape.

vendredi, 20 février, 2009  

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