Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog

Take that, Gower!




Buye The T-Shirtes of the Blog


Buye The Booke of the Blog


Ich do Tweet

jeudi, avril 27, 2006

BXB&B, this ys right awfulle!

Do rede of thys by clikkinge vpon yt, and see myn sorwe and nuisance!



As yf that wankere Gowere knewe of what ich reallye did to Il Filostrato! Ich dide turne yt from a foule Italienne loue poeme ynto an historiale werke of Englysshe ful of high sentence. Thanke myn luckie sterres that the Lombardes sit nat high yn Kynge Richardes estimacioun, and ther shal likeli be no tryale or settlemente.

(additio: myn lernede rederes may note that Thomas Walsingham hath not yet arryved at seynte albanes - likeli he refereth to lerned solitude in the basement of his parentz hous in his home toun of Walsingham)

mercredi, avril 19, 2006

STRAIGHT OVTTA LONDOUN


Forsoothe the winterye windes do falle adown into the softe springe


or some shizzle like that.


HAHAHAHA GOT U -- this iznt Geoff this is Lowys his son. I cant write all weird like Dad duz. I just write normal like everybod-E else.

I dunno why Dad calls me "litel lowys" Im like five inches taller. And what is up with his lame hat? Dude looks like a q-tip that got fat.

N E Way - Dad told me to put this entry up with my html skillz because Adam Linkfirst is away and Dad is out in Kent doing some stuff for our lord da King (trespuissant Richard Second Since da Conkwest roy dengleterre et dirlande et par grace de dieu roy de fraunce). So here I am to save teh day yo.

Big ups to all U gentils and churlz who read his blog like every day. You must not have N E thing else to do. PSYCHE! LOLZ I kinda want 2 put up some dirrty pictures or sometin’ or copy that centerfold of Katie Swin outta my FHM but then dad would like sell me to Flemings or something he would be so mad. He loves this blog almost as much as he loves that wack poem he keeps working on at night about pilgrims and all that.

SHOUTOUTZ TO ALL MY FRIENDS YO --- Humphrey I hope their not making you work too hard at tha ox2theford. Remember allz you gotta know for a benefice is "laudate" and somebody at court. And Jennet, aint no reason you gotta stay a recluse just because they walled you into that chizzurch. I got a chizel on its way to you LOLZ. Guy and Hugh I will C U tomorrow. You still owe me IIId. for the barge the other day.

So Dad is all like worried that I dont like all his weird ballad stuff and so he made this rap song for me. Which is kinda cool I guess except he like totally stole it from a NWA track and that shizznit is so old you can look it up in the domesday book. LOL! Im more into Eminem and Fiddy Shilling and Ludakris and I been gettin into some Reggaeton LOLZ.

okay I dont wanna bore yall scholars and stuff, so here is dadz rap song. he tried his best even if it does kinda all sound like one of those commercials where some old guy is trying to rap and he soundz about as legit as a pope trying to be humble – totally Barney Rubble “I like fruity pebbles in a major way” situati0n. OMG so happy Dizzad didnt do some lazy sunday joke thing. But dont tell him I said that and go easy on him. Hez my Dad. It cant be easy walking around with that stupid hat on LOLZ.

Okay, peace out yall

-Louis Chaucer

p.s. anybody wanna buy an astrilable (sp.?)? I’ll give it to you for one pound. Tell me soon OK before I put it on craigslist

p.p.s OMG crecy: knight commander is the best game ever for the Xbox CCCLX. All your aquitaine are belong to us!




STRAIGHT OVTTA LONDOUN

par Geoffroi Chaucer

Straight out of London: lunatike freke namede Geoff C,
From the covin callede “Kynges Affinitee.”
Men who confronte me, my dagger beth killynge them
Hange them on a hempe-rope lyk ther name was Tresilian-
Thou too, churl, an thou swyvst with me!
The marshalsea shal nede to detainen me
Off of youre culorum, thatte ys how ich am goinge outte:
For the drastye lollarde traytors, that ys showinge outte.
Gentils start to mumblen, they wolden rumblen,
Mix theme and cooke them in a brothe lyk oystren.
Goinge offe on a motherswyvere lyk that
With a gatte thatte ys poyntede at thyne erse
So relente and be beten:
Ther ys no knowyng, ich am so ferse forto fighten!
Here beth a ballade forto synge at morris
Wyth a romaunce like the rose so beloued of Guillaume Lorris.
Stressed-syllable poetiks ys my craft
Whanne ich haue the custoume house ylaft.
Thow and ich koulde goon pied-a-pied, yonge maye:
Ich breke statutz and hertes ech daye
Nay ech weeke, ech monthe, ech yere
Vntil th’exchequer shal put me yn the cleere
And ich shal purchasen sum goode launde in Kente.
Myn purchas shal be gretere than al my rente.
Yf ich checke thyn accountes best brynge me vino
For the labour doth chewen my brayne lyk Ugolino.
Yf my verse deliteth yow that ys my sole rewardoun
Ich kan nat rim, ram, ruf: ich am straight oute of Londoun!

dimanche, avril 09, 2006

Idea for a poeme!


BXB&B! Ich haue devised an excellente planne for a worke of grete literarye merit, and of much sentence and solaas. And school-childer alle across thys grete erth shal reden of thes tales and thanke me for the delite they haue, much more delite than the distiches of catoun shal euere brynge, or even the grapes of wrathe.

Ich shal make a collecioun of tales with a central frame narratif, much lyk the Tenne Dayes of Giovan Boccacce, the whiche ich loue so much that myn copye of yt ys fallynge into fragmentz. But thes tales shalle be tolde nat only by aristocratik sots but by men and womyn of alle estaats (more jokes that waye! whatte ys funnyer than an argument bitwene a sumonour and a friar?).

Honestli, yt ys in sum parte sloth that thus driveth me, for ich haue manye litel wrytynges heere and ther, svch as the tale of the tow yonge knightes and perle harboure, and the vita of Seynte Cecile, that wolde nat selle as independente volumes. But package them wyth severale tales of aventure and slapsticke? Bad-a-bynge, bad-a-boume! A devyce of marketynge moore cunnynge than a foxe that has jvst been made doctour of cunnyng at the universitee of Paris! A devyce of marketynge so clever that yt maketh Bill 3ates look lyk Jessica Simpsoun! Ich am sorrye to be so prideful yn myn herte, but ich am really psychede.

Thogh ich am a man of litel lernynge and thogh ich bere a humble pen that kan nat be compared to the noble style of Cithero or Alanus of Lille or grete Dant who did trauel from helle vp to paradise, nevirtheless ich do beleve myn litel tales shal be a mater of sum discussion and intereste for men and women who shal come aftir me in states vnborne and accentes yet unkennede. And keepyng this in myn consideracioun, ich do thus presente here to yow, gentil rederes, the notes concernynge thes tales that ich made yestermorn at the custoume hous. Myn clerkli mayster in freshman comp did alwey telle me that a wrytyng planne ys always a goode idea, and ich tende to beleve hym since he ys now Archbishop of Canterburie so he must have doon somethynge ryght. So heere is myn wrytng planne. May it plese yow to pardon me the seuerale unrelated nootes ich haue made oute of ire or confusione, or concernynge litel dittees and balades the whiche ich do penne almost constantli. I include al of the mattir, both kernele and chaffe, heere for the sake of Ladye Clio the warde of historyes and bookes, and hopefulli to answere future scholarlyle questiones abovte the ordere and nature of myn tales:

--
LIBER RATIONUM CUSTUMARUM REGIS RICARDI II – PAGINA XX

BSL! As yf strucke by lightynge – finalli a waye to get ouer myn writeres blok...

Heere bigenneth the booke of the tales of Canterburie:

Howe coole doth that sounde? Organise ynto fragmentz, for ich trowe that a worke in ‘fragmentz’ shall appeale to Vmberto Eco.

FRAGMENT I

-Intro/setup of frame: Something about Aprille – meetynge with the pilgrimes – pilgrimes in hir order and degre – the hostes proposal

-The Knightes Tale: Rafe and Dannie are tow freendes who fighten in the same war at Perle Harbour, but both falle in loue with the same ladye, Evelyne (Kate Beckinsale)

-The Milleres prolog and Tale: whatte Adam Pinkhurste did vnto me bifor I fired hys ass– chaunge names and occupaciouns – absolvtely fabliaux

-The Reves prologue and Tale: not svre yet – but definitlie haue an ironike aubade and vse the word “fnorten”, for “fnortynge” ys aboute the funnyeste worde of which y kan thynken)

-The Cookes prologe and Tale: heroik prentys named Perkyn Revelour survyveth al thinges that wolde kepe a playere doun, meeteth Gros-Blanche, an famovs rapper, and hymself getteth ovte of the workshop and the street to becum a starre, all thurgh his hustle & flowe - inclvde myn newe ballade 'tis difficult out heere to been a prentys'?

XXX lastes of lether at iii pennyes subdsidie a laste is whatte? Goddes nvts, wher ys myn abacus? Yf Nichol Brembre hath taken yt ayein ich am goynge to screame.

FRAGMENT II

-The Manne of Lawes Tale: knighte of king arthurz court goeth on queste to discouere what women want. Possibli Mel Gibson?

Vivekes boones! Ich kan nat wayt to get home and playe oblivion on lowyses xbox. Myn ork barbaryan ys nerely at IXth leuel

-The dog-maysteres Tale: the dog-mayster (talle, curtel of greene), his dogge, and his companiounes do fynde an olde wool-quaye that semeth to be havnted by a foule spectre – one of them has those fancie new eye-lenses, the which she doth frequentli misplace – eventuallie they fynde that yt is John Gowere who maketh the appearaunce and similitude of a hauntynge in ordre to kepe the quaye closid, for he disliketh the noyse of woole shipmentes when he writeth hys lame poemes. They do counfounde hys plannes and he sayth “Cest conseil avreit eu success, si non pur l’interference de voz jeuenez meddleurs!”

FRAGMENT III

-The Shipmannes Tale: Jak Sparrowe helpeth a yonge smithe to wynne his noble ladye, and the yonge smithe helpeth Jak Sparrowe to scapen from ghost pyrates. Howe avvesome ys that? Ghostes + Pyrates!

-The Prioresses Tale: fynde sum edifynge storie of frendship and cooperacioun bitwene Jewes and Christian folk? Make svre that Gower doth nat maken goode on hys threte to slippe yn thurgh forgerie hys owen tale of Hugh of Lyncoln, whiche ys aboute as tolerante and charmynge as a badger on methamphetamynes.

-Sir Thopas: worke ovte contracte with Thopas to tellen the story of his lyf

-Tale of Melibee: make vseful political allegorye wyth basic message: YE WHO RULE NACIONS, CALME THE HELLE DOUNE! try nat to be excessifly borynge

ther sholde be a daunce callede 'the bradshawe shifte'

-The Monkes Tale: telle a series of amusynge anecdotes, all ynvolvyng cheese?)

-The Nonnes Prestes Tale of the Cok and Hen, Chauntecleer and Pertelote: a tale collecioun wythoute a beaste-fable ys lyk a fayre ladye withoute a goode foreheade

More disputez concernyng herringe at grete yarmouthe? Ich do beleve god created grete yarmouth specificallye to bore parliamente to dethe

FRAGMENT IV

-Sum wordes of the hoost to the companye: The hoost proclaimeth that tellynge two storyes ther and two storyes back ys right stupid and ympossible – everyone shal stikke to oon tale.

-The Phisiciens Tale: heere inclvde the storie of Appius and Virginia that Gower did stele from me to putte yn his stupide Confessio. Possibli adde an extraneous bitte about educatynge yonge ladyes at the bigynnyng? Now ther is oon thyng Gower knowth nat of: yonge ladyes!

XXXIV + C = CXXXIV

-The wordes of the hooste to the Pardoner, and the Pardoneres Tale:expose the hypocrisie of the institutionale chvrch! oones ich do that, certes the dominacioun of simple folk by the greedie and violent thurgh the strangelholde of religious ideologie shal cease outrighte and the worlde moue ynto a more enlightenede age wher civic virtue and the lore of knowledge regn, and no monyes go to religious swindleres. Or peraventure it shal be otherwise...

FRAGMENT V

-The Prologe of the Wyves Tale of Bath: aske for a copye of thys from the Wyf whan she ys finished weavynge the t-shirtes for my blogge.

-The Wyves Tale of Bath: stele sumthynge litel from Boccaccio? None of the chambre knightz and merchauntz do reden of italien ficcion, so ich am soooo yn the clere

ther mvste be some maner of departure from thys place / sayde the makere of jestes to the laroun / ther beth muchel confusioun heere, and ich am troublede by barouns...

-The Freres Prologue and Tale: recycle sermon exemplum heere?

-The Sumonours Prologe and Tale: throwe yn euerythynge I kan thynke uppe about fartynge, asses, asses and fartynge, the ass of satanas, et cetera

...God wille thes merchauntz euere calm downe abovte their nut-swyvyng woole? Ther ys a place in helle for misers, and ich hope ich shal be appoynted ther to prikke ther feete with my quill pen...bakke to my notes...

FRAGMENT VI

-The Clerkes Prologe and Tale of Oxenford: thatte awfulle litel crypto-fasciste fable from Petrak, but make it a commentarye on how Phillipa doth abvsen me.

-The Marchantes Tale: invente and popularise the terme ‘May-Januarie Marriage’

blogge t-shirtes sellynge welle! peraventure ich shal buye litel lowys my soone that turntable setup he wolde fayne possess

FRAG VII

madam, ye been of al beaute shryne / as far as cercled is the mapamounde, / for as the cristal glorious ye preene ete a beene acte obsceene planne a sceene are peachye-keene shyne – nowe whatte doth ryme with mappamounde? O, thattes yt...

-The Squieres Tale jvst go bukke wyld wyth legendes and flynyge horses and svche – they wil haue to invente speciale effectes ere they kan make a movie of this oon! – bifor wrytyng, possiblie get a hold of that straunge and addlynge wede that Tommy Vsk doth smoke?

o seynt hyppolytuses turdes! simon burleye juste totalli caughte me checkynge myn frendster accounte

-The Frankeleyns Tale: vse advyce column for inspiracioun?

-The Haberdassheres Tale: heroik Haberdasshere saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by making an protectif hatte for the worlde

-The Carpenteres Tale: heroik Carpentere saues the globe of the erthe from comete by making an protectif cupboard for the worlde

-The Webbes Tale: heroik Webbe saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by making an protectif mitten for the worlde

-The Dyeres Tale: heroik Dyere saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by making an protectif dye of indigo for the worlde

-The Tapyceres Tale: heroik Tapycer saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by – BSL! in what maner shal a makere of rugges and tapestries saue the worlde from a fierye comet?

FRAG VIII

-The Seconde Nonnes Tale: slyp in myn litel lyf of Saynte Cecile heere

o sweete euer-virgin mothir marye, kan ich juste make yt thurgh oon mornynge without dippyng my quill in myn ale-cuppe insted of myn inkepotte?

-The Chanouns Yemannes Tale (finallye an enemye everyone kan realli hate: alchemists!)

FRAG IX

-The Maunciples Tale of the Crowe: wille peple beleve that Crowes were oones whit as snowe? peraventure nat, but yt shal be a storie of good relevaunce to moderne eventes

-The Knightes Yemanes Tale of the Englysshe Blancmange: thre freendes wishe to performe the acte of Venus, the whiche ys stille mysterye to them, bifor they leave the householde of their mayster – to fulfill thys counsel, they do seeke advyce yn unusual places yn a series of misadventures. Oon of them doth fynde a straunge but appealynge yonge mayde who doth preface alle hir tales wyth ‘this oon tyme, at the convent wher ich was raysed...’. Evventuallie, they realise that the acte of Venus ys but oon of loues servyses. Also putte yn sum amusynge sequence with a blancmange that is swyved.

CLV + CCIX + XLVI = ??????

FRAG X

-The Persouns Tale: vernacular pentientiale manuales sounde a lot more appealynge when they are ycleped “tales”

-The Ploughmannes Tale: vernacular manuales on agriculture sounde a lot more appealynge when they are ycleped “tales”

-The Hoostes Tale of the manere of makynge freendes and influencyng peple: vernacular self-helpe manuales sounde a lot more appealynge when they are ycleped “tales”

-The Ende: the Millere doth winne the prise of a supper at hir aller coste. Peraventure include sum bit aboute how the redere ys the reale wynnere of the contest? No, that wolde be cheesiere than Gloucestershire.

Fynde a publisshere? I sholde telle Adam Lynkferste to starte buyinge the parchemin nowe

samedi, avril 08, 2006

ther is no coincidence heere!

Abdul Alleges Assault at Party

"Los Angeles police detectives are investigating a report by "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul that a man threw her against a wall and left her with spinal injuries and a concussion after they argued at a private party over the weekend on a Hollywood studio lot.

Police Lt. Paul Vernon said the incident, alleged to have occurred about 1 a.m. Sunday at a private party at Sunset Boulevard and Gower Street, is being investigated as a battery case."

Straighte-uppe, nowe telle me: what hastow ayeinst Paula Abdul, o Mayster Gowere, that she scholde be so accostede on thyn strete?

samedi, avril 01, 2006

Nota bene: Make melodye today


Yet oon more smal matir for yow. And ich praye yow permitten me oon smal moment of sentimente.

Todaye ys the firste daye of Aprille. Bifor it was the cruellest moneth (quatever that meneth!), it was a moneth of coloures and cries, and pilgrymages. Yt was, I sholde saye, myn favourite moneth.

Ich am nat oon to tooten myne owen horne, but todaye ich wolde asken yow to declaymen my tales. To yowrselves, to yowr frendes, or simplye in the marketplace or churchyarde. For charitees sake, yow coulde declaymen them to beggares, leperes, or humorlesse rogues who studien engineerynge. Wherever yow proclaymen them tho, do yt so in loude voyse and cleere, for yt is only fooles who think a poeme lith on the page aloone.

Yf thou knowst nat this maner of Englyssh, be nat ashamed. Yf thou kanst reden thys blogge, thou kanst reden yt. Talke to yt slowlie, as if it were an olde relative whom thou lovest verie muche, and yt shal talke back to thee.

Here bygynneth the Book of the Tales of Caunterbury:

1: Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
2: The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,
3: And bathed every veyne in swich licour
4: Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
5: Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
6: Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
7: Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
8: Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne,
9: And smale foweles maken melodye,
10: That slepen al the nyght with open ye
11: (so priketh hem nature in hir corages);
12: Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages...

(as yf Gowere koude ever wryte anythynge halfe as goode!)

Matirs of bisiness, organisacioun and swoteness

Mes cheres lecteurez,

Juste a fewe quicke updates concernynge the page.

Ich do hopen that this newe blogspote syte plese yow as muche as yt pleseth me, for ich do muchel relisshe myn litel florale bordere and smal illustraciouns. Ywis, ich waxe fondre and fondre of myn goode scriven and webmayster, hende Adam Lynkferste (confuse hym nat with Adam Pinkhurste, who ys a scabye manne who did stele two large and creamye wheeles of chese from myn hous and shal neure worke for me ayeyn!).

Ich am muchel delited by theffortes of two of yow, who aren clearlie of myn affinitee. One dide make smalle figures of Gower and ich, somedeel in the maner of the penates ones worshipped by the romaynes: see them heere. Also, anothir diligente craftere of peynture dide make an series of illuminaciouns concernynge myn late altercacioun wyth Johannes Gowere, and yow kan see those peyntures and figures heere. O by seinte Sebastian, wolde thatte ich (and eek Philippa!) dide hauen suche fayre and gente features as we do yn thes litel illustraciouns. Alas, euene in myn dreames talkynge eagles do mock me for beynge too hevy.

Also, y haue hadde manye gentil and wise visiteurs, such as Henrie Scogan, William Langlande, Christine of Pise, Frankeys Villon, Nicholas the clerke, and many an othir. They kan be founde yn the commentes to myn nyce and foolishe entries.

Finallie, Adam Lynkferste hath putte vp lynkes yn the sidebar for yowr profitt and instrucioun. Ich haue also hadde hym lynke to othir blogges -- yf ich haue a lynke for thee and it pleseth thee nat, telle me and ich shal remoue yt fastre than thou kanst say "archbishope arundel."

Litel Lowys my sone continueth to depely troublen myn herte. For he spendeth alle of hys tyme in hys chaumbre wyth his Exeboxe CCCLX playnge games of muchel violence. And whenne he ys nat killynge thynges on a screne, he listeneth to thys maner of musique called rap or sometymes hip & hoppe. And he careth nat for Boethius nor for the melodies of Machaut and Deschampes, nor euene for myn moste liveli tales of Alisoun and Nicholas. Lette alone the astrolabe.

Ich haue decided that ich shal ginne to wryte some verses of thys rap musique forto gladen myn litel sone and eek to maken othir yonge peple lerne of myn tales. Yt semeth this good felawe hath alredi some musique, but myne rymes shal ben tyghter. What thinke yow of thys projet?

That ys al for nowe.

Le Vostre
GC