BXB&B! Ich haue devised an excellente planne for a worke of grete literarye merit, and of much sentence and solaas. And school-childer alle across thys grete erth shal reden of thes tales and thanke me for the delite they haue, much more delite than the distiches of catoun shal euere brynge, or even the grapes of wrathe.

Ich shal make a collecioun of tales with a central frame narratif, much lyk the Tenne Dayes of Giovan Boccacce, the whiche ich loue so much that myn copye of yt ys fallynge into fragmentz. But thes tales shalle be tolde nat only by aristocratik sots but by men and womyn of alle estaats (more jokes that waye! whatte ys funnyer than an argument bitwene a sumonour and a friar?).

Honestli, yt ys in sum parte sloth that thus driveth me, for ich haue manye litel wrytynges heere and ther, svch as the tale of the tow yonge knightes and perle harboure, and the vita of Seynte Cecile, that wolde nat selle as independente volumes. But package them wyth severale tales of aventure and slapsticke? Bad-a-bynge, bad-a-boume! A devyce of marketynge moore cunnynge than a foxe that has jvst been made doctour of cunnyng at the universitee of Paris! A devyce of marketynge so clever that yt maketh Bill 3ates look lyk Jessica Simpsoun! Ich am sorrye to be so prideful yn myn herte, but ich am really psychede.

Thogh ich am a man of litel lernynge and thogh ich bere a humble pen that kan nat be compared to the noble style of Cithero or Alanus of Lille or grete Dant who did trauel from helle vp to paradise, nevirtheless ich do beleve myn litel tales shal be a mater of sum discussion and intereste for men and women who shal come aftir me in states vnborne and accentes yet unkennede. And keepyng this in myn consideracioun, ich do thus presente here to yow, gentil rederes, the notes concernynge thes tales that ich made yestermorn at the custoume hous. Myn clerkli mayster in freshman comp did alwey telle me that a wrytyng planne ys always a goode idea, and ich tende to beleve hym since he ys now Archbishop of Canterburie so he must have doon somethynge ryght. So heere is myn wrytng planne. May it plese yow to pardon me the seuerale unrelated nootes ich haue made oute of ire or confusione, or concernynge litel dittees and balades the whiche ich do penne almost constantli. I include al of the mattir, both kernele and chaffe, heere for the sake of Ladye Clio the warde of historyes and bookes, and hopefulli to answere future scholarlyle questiones abovte the ordere and nature of myn tales:

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LIBER RATIONUM CUSTUMARUM REGIS RICARDI II – PAGINA XX

BSL! As yf strucke by lightynge – finalli a waye to get ouer myn writeres blok...

Heere bigenneth the booke of the tales of Canterburie:

Howe coole doth that sounde? Organise ynto fragmentz, for ich trowe that a worke in ‘fragmentz’ shall appeale to Vmberto Eco.

FRAGMENT I

-Intro/setup of frame: Something about Aprille – meetynge with the pilgrimes – pilgrimes in hir order and degre – the hostes proposal

-The Knightes Tale: Rafe and Dannie are tow freendes who fighten in the same war at Perle Harbour, but both falle in loue with the same ladye, Evelyne (Kate Beckinsale)

-The Milleres prolog and Tale: whatte Adam Pinkhurste did vnto me bifor I fired hys ass– chaunge names and occupaciouns – absolvtely fabliaux

-The Reves prologue and Tale: not svre yet – but definitlie haue an ironike aubade and vse the word “fnorten”, for “fnortynge” ys aboute the funnyeste worde of which y kan thynken)

-The Cookes prologe and Tale: heroik prentys named Perkyn Revelour survyveth al thinges that wolde kepe a playere doun, meeteth Gros-Blanche, an famovs rapper, and hymself getteth ovte of the workshop and the street to becum a starre, all thurgh his hustle & flowe - inclvde myn newe ballade 'tis difficult out heere to been a prentys'?

XXX lastes of lether at iii pennyes subdsidie a laste is whatte? Goddes nvts, wher ys myn abacus? Yf Nichol Brembre hath taken yt ayein ich am goynge to screame.

FRAGMENT II

-The Manne of Lawes Tale: knighte of king arthurz court goeth on queste to discouere what women want. Possibli Mel Gibson?

Vivekes boones! Ich kan nat wayt to get home and playe oblivion on lowyses xbox. Myn ork barbaryan ys nerely at IXth leuel

-The dog-maysteres Tale: the dog-mayster (talle, curtel of greene), his dogge, and his companiounes do fynde an olde wool-quaye that semeth to be havnted by a foule spectre – one of them has those fancie new eye-lenses, the which she doth frequentli misplace – eventuallie they fynde that yt is John Gowere who maketh the appearaunce and similitude of a hauntynge in ordre to kepe the quaye closid, for he disliketh the noyse of woole shipmentes when he writeth hys lame poemes. They do counfounde hys plannes and he sayth “Cest conseil avreit eu success, si non pur l’interference de voz jeuenez meddleurs!”

FRAGMENT III

-The Shipmannes Tale: Jak Sparrowe helpeth a yonge smithe to wynne his noble ladye, and the yonge smithe helpeth Jak Sparrowe to scapen from ghost pyrates. Howe avvesome ys that? Ghostes + Pyrates!

-The Prioresses Tale: fynde sum edifynge storie of frendship and cooperacioun bitwene Jewes and Christian folk? Make svre that Gower doth nat maken goode on hys threte to slippe yn thurgh forgerie hys owen tale of Hugh of Lyncoln, whiche ys aboute as tolerante and charmynge as a badger on methamphetamynes.

-Sir Thopas: worke ovte contracte with Thopas to tellen the story of his lyf

-Tale of Melibee: make vseful political allegorye wyth basic message: YE WHO RULE NACIONS, CALME THE HELLE DOUNE! try nat to be excessifly borynge

ther sholde be a daunce callede 'the bradshawe shifte'

-The Monkes Tale: telle a series of amusynge anecdotes, all ynvolvyng cheese?)

-The Nonnes Prestes Tale of the Cok and Hen, Chauntecleer and Pertelote: a tale collecioun wythoute a beaste-fable ys lyk a fayre ladye withoute a goode foreheade

More disputez concernyng herringe at grete yarmouthe? Ich do beleve god created grete yarmouth specificallye to bore parliamente to dethe

FRAGMENT IV

-Sum wordes of the hoost to the companye: The hoost proclaimeth that tellynge two storyes ther and two storyes back ys right stupid and ympossible – everyone shal stikke to oon tale.

-The Phisiciens Tale: heere inclvde the storie of Appius and Virginia that Gower did stele from me to putte yn his stupide Confessio. Possibli adde an extraneous bitte about educatynge yonge ladyes at the bigynnyng? Now ther is oon thyng Gower knowth nat of: yonge ladyes!

XXXIV + C = CXXXIV

-The wordes of the hooste to the Pardoner, and the Pardoneres Tale:expose the hypocrisie of the institutionale chvrch! oones ich do that, certes the dominacioun of simple folk by the greedie and violent thurgh the strangelholde of religious ideologie shal cease outrighte and the worlde moue ynto a more enlightenede age wher civic virtue and the lore of knowledge regn, and no monyes go to religious swindleres. Or peraventure it shal be otherwise...

FRAGMENT V

-The Prologe of the Wyves Tale of Bath: aske for a copye of thys from the Wyf whan she ys finished weavynge the t-shirtes for my blogge.

-The Wyves Tale of Bath: stele sumthynge litel from Boccaccio? None of the chambre knightz and merchauntz do reden of italien ficcion, so ich am soooo yn the clere

ther mvste be some maner of departure from thys place / sayde the makere of jestes to the laroun / ther beth muchel confusioun heere, and ich am troublede by barouns...

-The Freres Prologue and Tale: recycle sermon exemplum heere?

-The Sumonours Prologe and Tale: throwe yn euerythynge I kan thynke uppe about fartynge, asses, asses and fartynge, the ass of satanas, et cetera

...God wille thes merchauntz euere calm downe abovte their nut-swyvyng woole? Ther ys a place in helle for misers, and ich hope ich shal be appoynted ther to prikke ther feete with my quill pen...bakke to my notes...

FRAGMENT VI

-The Clerkes Prologe and Tale of Oxenford: thatte awfulle litel crypto-fasciste fable from Petrak, but make it a commentarye on how Phillipa doth abvsen me.

-The Marchantes Tale: invente and popularise the terme ‘May-Januarie Marriage’

blogge t-shirtes sellynge welle! peraventure ich shal buye litel lowys my soone that turntable setup he wolde fayne possess

FRAG VII

madam, ye been of al beaute shryne / as far as cercled is the mapamounde, / for as the cristal glorious ye preene ete a beene acte obsceene planne a sceene are peachye-keene shyne – nowe whatte doth ryme with mappamounde? O, thattes yt...

-The Squieres Tale jvst go bukke wyld wyth legendes and flynyge horses and svche – they wil haue to invente speciale effectes ere they kan make a movie of this oon! – bifor wrytyng, possiblie get a hold of that straunge and addlynge wede that Tommy Vsk doth smoke?

o seynt hyppolytuses turdes! simon burleye juste totalli caughte me checkynge myn frendster accounte

-The Frankeleyns Tale: vse advyce column for inspiracioun?

-The Haberdassheres Tale: heroik Haberdasshere saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by making an protectif hatte for the worlde

-The Carpenteres Tale: heroik Carpentere saues the globe of the erthe from comete by making an protectif cupboard for the worlde

-The Webbes Tale: heroik Webbe saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by making an protectif mitten for the worlde

-The Dyeres Tale: heroik Dyere saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by making an protectif dye of indigo for the worlde

-The Tapyceres Tale: heroik Tapycer saues the globe of the erthe from a comete by – BSL! in what maner shal a makere of rugges and tapestries saue the worlde from a fierye comet?

FRAG VIII

-The Seconde Nonnes Tale: slyp in myn litel lyf of Saynte Cecile heere

o sweete euer-virgin mothir marye, kan ich juste make yt thurgh oon mornynge without dippyng my quill in myn ale-cuppe insted of myn inkepotte?

-The Chanouns Yemannes Tale (finallye an enemye everyone kan realli hate: alchemists!)

FRAG IX

-The Maunciples Tale of the Crowe: wille peple beleve that Crowes were oones whit as snowe? peraventure nat, but yt shal be a storie of good relevaunce to moderne eventes

-The Knightes Yemanes Tale of the Englysshe Blancmange: thre freendes wishe to performe the acte of Venus, the whiche ys stille mysterye to them, bifor they leave the householde of their mayster – to fulfill thys counsel, they do seeke advyce yn unusual places yn a series of misadventures. Oon of them doth fynde a straunge but appealynge yonge mayde who doth preface alle hir tales wyth ‘this oon tyme, at the convent wher ich was raysed...’. Evventuallie, they realise that the acte of Venus ys but oon of loues servyses. Also putte yn sum amusynge sequence with a blancmange that is swyved.

CLV + CCIX + XLVI = ??????

FRAG X

-The Persouns Tale: vernacular pentientiale manuales sounde a lot more appealynge when they are ycleped “tales”

-The Ploughmannes Tale: vernacular manuales on agriculture sounde a lot more appealynge when they are ycleped “tales”

-The Hoostes Tale of the manere of makynge freendes and influencyng peple: vernacular self-helpe manuales sounde a lot more appealynge when they are ycleped “tales”

-The Ende: the Millere doth winne the prise of a supper at hir aller coste.
Peraventure include sum bit aboute how the redere ys the reale wynnere of the contest?
No, that wolde be cheesiere than Gloucestershire.

Fynde a publisshere? I sholde telle Adam Lynkferste to starte buyinge the parchemin nowe