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mardi, août 26, 2008

A NEW ORDER: HOT NEWES ON BLAZINGE FELLOW

GEOFFREY CHAUCER (TM) HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD! - FEATURED CONTENT (contrib. by Tho. Favent)

Watbethup, homeskilletes? Yt is I, Thomas Favent, the lovelokest bloke on the blokke, bringinge yow hot and up to date content that shal provyde extra value in yower fast-paced web II.0 lyves. Ich am certayn that many of the rederes of this hippe (and loial) blog are the kynde of folk who wolde come from every shires ende unto the festival of Blazinge Fellow. Talk about hot - this oon ys a scorcher.

Blazinge Fellowe doth take place in the moneth of August, begynning on the feest of the moost Blessid Bartholomewe the Apostel and rokking on for several dayes until its awesome and radical conclusion: the applicacioun of flaymes to the Fellow. At first celebrated by a gatheringe of hip and hard-lyne bishops led by Henri “Defensor” Despenser of Norwich, Blazinge Fellowe hath nowe grown into a gret gatheringe that attracteth Ms and Ms of participants.

What is Blazinge Fellow?

In the dayes of the celebracioun of Blazinge Fellow, many peple come togedir to express their joye and devocioun to the institutional Church and the law-makinge State in fantastic maner. Thei weare costumes from beyond yower imaginacioun. Forget friares in brown robes or blakke robes – haue ye gentils evir seen ORANGE ROBES? PAISLEYE? Yower mynde will be blown. And the throngs! Sondry folk, clerkes, bishopes, fanatic laypeple, summoners, deacons, cellarers, abbots, venture capitalists, and novyces all gather in a gret hoost to make art and to set fyre to the Fellow. Thes “Blazeres” consume gret quantitees of wyne both white and red and do sniff of balm and yet staye within the boundes of temperance, for it ys all done wyth the approval of the Archbishop.

Where is Blazinge Fellow held?

Blazinge Fellow is held in Smithfield or, as yclept by Blazeres, "The Feeld.” The wethir on the Feeld oft presenteth gret discomfort and inconvenience to Blazeres, as yt can be slightli humid and also rayne and eek hayle are nat unheard of. When stayinge in the feeld, yt is best to bring an umbrella and a smal tent, thogh many folke develop elaborate paviliouns the which do surpass the beautee of the pavilions of Sarrasens and even Fayerye ytself, and yet staye within the boundes of humilitee, for it ys all done wyth the approval of the Archbishop.

What kinds of Public Art are There?

Draconian enforsment of orthodoxie is nothing without sum interestinge public art. Blazeres organise yeerly into “theme cloisters” to yive beautee unto the Feeld and to distribute beverages and balm. Each theme cloister is devoted to a different aspect of ower deep and orthodox devocioun to the Institutional Church. Sum theme cloisters celebrate the virtues: Chastitee Cloister yiveth awaye beltes and saltpetre, Prudence Cloister enacteth the tale of Melibee and hys neighbores (“hey kids, get off my lawn or ich shall slaye yow"), et cetera. Othir cloisters are full of gret wonderes and mystiques. Ich once stayid in a stylite cloister. It was tops. Ther ys also a cloister of miraculous women from Flanders who kan survyve in ovens. This yeer ich heare thei shall be bringinge microwaues. Astonishing! And yet yif ye asken me, sum of the art ys a litel wack. Ther aren large sculptures the which look lyke giant hollow stone chicken men on legges made out of trumpetes and filled wyth smal birdes playing the harpe. What maner of bosh ys that?

Do people get naked?

Ywis, sum tyme ther ys nakedness and bodye-payntynge, and yet it ledeth nat to the synne of lecherie for the bodye payntynge is moostly pictorial narratifs of the punishementes of purgatorie (and yit sum still falle into errour and sinnes of the flesshe, the which is lamentable but pardonable).

Where can I buy a Pardon?

Pardones are soold at several posiciouns around the feeld. Yf ye aren anticipatinge a particularlie elaborate synne, ye must consult the central pardon offyce.

Where can I find a Physician?

Synce all of the uryne of Blazeres ys a uniform color (cleere), physiciens may nat make diagnoses and thus often humoral imbalance goth undetected at Blazinge Fellowe. Be sure to consult early on wyth yower owen physicien or at leest a learned local vicar yif ye haue a tendencie towardes humoral imbalance and are planninge to attende Blazinge Fellowe.

When is the Fellow Emblazed?

The Fellow ys emblazed on the final night of the celebracioun, aftir a lengthi heresie trial. The stake ys set up in the middle of the feeld, neere the usual spot for execucions. Yf the Fellow recantes of hys heresie, sum tyme he ys yiven a repreve and ther is no emblazinge. Yet feere nat, for yf the Fellowe recantes, a prisoner from Newe-gate ys emblazed in his sted. And yet thei nevir blaze as brighli as do the heretickes, the which aren full of the sparkes of sin and rebellioun.

What is the meaning of the Fellow?

The fellow to us doth represent on the allegorical level all of the dirt and faultes that we wolde wasshen from owerselves. The emblazinge of the fellowe ys a commitment to directinge owerselves wyth more passioun and more institutional support to being the best folk we can be. Yt is an act for stablisshinge pure feyth in good government, good religioun, and good use of ower leisure tyme.

On the literal level the fellow doth represent a man who hath been found a heretick and is being burned and shoutynge wyth a loud voys. Sum tyme neere the end ther ys simpli quiet weepinge or angrie recriminaciouns or silent attemptes to withstanden the payne. Haue ye nat seyn sometyme a pale face? Nat until ye see the Fellow at hys last! And yet it doth staye within the boundes of charitee, for yt is all done wyth the approval of the Archbishop.

What is it like?

Ye must experience yt to yive credence that swich a thing maye exist. Imagine the best hanginge ye haue evir seen. Nowe, get out yower awesome deeth abacus and multiplye the entertaynment value of that hanginge by the power of X. That is just how good a real emblazinge kan be.

Certes, sum folk call it cruel and saye that swich thinges sholde nevir happen in Engelonde. Ich saye to them: crye me a river, moonbattes, next yeere ye shall all be Fellowes!

Flaymes, creativitee, massyve amountes of cash, moore balm than a Lombard could sniff, and the eradicacioun of an heretic: that ys felaweshep ich kan get behinde. See yow at Blazing Fellow, freendes!

-Th. F

(Thys content is approved by the Lords Appellant. In facte, Bolingbroke lykes this so much he ys makinge notes for a future statute. Impriblogtur).

mardi, août 05, 2008

A NEW ORDER: TELEVISIOUN WITHOUT MERCY

GEOFFREY CHAUCER (TM) HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD! - FEATURED CONTENT (edited by Tho. Favent)

TELEVISION WITHOUT MERCY
Spayre the hanginge, spoyle the incipient discourse of nationalisme

What coud be hotter than televisioun? Market surveyes shewe that many folk watchen of yt. Thus, we must bend it to ower will or breke it all to pieces.

Last week the Lords Appellant in their grace and wisdam did tak control of the programminge of tv netwerkes, in order to preserue the values of Engelonde. All of yower fauorite shewes got a make-ovir. Peraventure ye haue been over-bisy wyth toyle during the week (hanging flagges, translating Anglo-Norman romances into Englisshe, spitting south-wardes), and haue nat been able to catch up on developmentes on all yower fauoryte showes of televisioun. Worry nat! Television Without Mercy provideth thes wittie and concise recaps for yower informacioun. Go Engelonde! Here ys what ye maye haue ymissed...

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted: at the Tower of London ys Gossip Girl herself, who hath been ycaught by the diligence of Henry Bolingbroke. She ys taken to Tyburn and hanged. Ye who heare the recap of thys episode, think on what a thyng it is to be a gossip and a teller of tales. Beholdeth the rewardes of telling the pryvytees of othirs upon a blogge! Be ware, lest in yower owene blogges ye bicom jangleres and telleres of tales! Thinketh on yt and in yower myndes rekeneth how deedes haue their endes. Thus endeth the episode.

FLIGHT OF THE LOMBARDS: Thys episode openeth with the Lombard traderes Brentano and Germano yn the stokkes, for Henry Bolingbroke hath discoverid their plan to import fals currencie ycleped lusshebournes ynto Engelonde and eek corner the market on silk and sweet wynes. Brentano and Germano suffer long yn the stokkes and beg for mercy yet thei receyve yt nat. Thei beginnen to singe a roundel but Bolingbrokes men stuff their mouthes wyth cloutes and ragges. Ye who heare the recap of thys epsiode, think on what a thing it is to be a fals marchant and a foule usurer and eek a writer of humorous folk tunes. Beholdeth the rewardes of destabilising Englandes currencie! Be ware, lest in yower owene dealinges ye bicom fals traderes and usurers! Thinketh on yt and in yower myndes rekeneth how deedes haue their endes. Thus endeth the episode.

ARRESTID DEVELOPMENT: All the membirs of the de Blouth familie were yhangid for tresoun in the yeeres of Kyng Edward and thus ther beth no resoun to recap this shewe.

SCRYBES: In thys episode Adam Pinkhurste writeth every manuscript in Engelonde evir, just lyk in every othir episode.

WEEDES: Thys episode openeth wyth Nancy yn the court of Thomas Arundel, Archbishop of York, who sitteth in gret judgement along wyth Henry Bolingbroke, who hath captured Nancy. Thes two gret lordes, oon of the church and oon of the lande, ask Nancy why she doth spreade the heretical writinges of the lollardes and thus doth sowe weedes in our cleane corn. For the teachinges of heretics are lyk weedes, the which strangle the good croppes. Ye who heare the recap of thys episode, thynk of how gret a sin it ys to befoule the feeldes of feyth and loialtee wyth the weedes of heresie and conspiracie! Thynk howe thes weedes of sin do dull the mynde and ynspyre the eatinge of the fatteninge twinkies of rebellion and the fingre-stayninge cheetoes of misfortune! Thus endeth the episode.

SO YE THINKE YE KAN DAUNCEN?: Thys episode openeth wyth all of the contestants in front of special guest judge Henry Bolingbroke. Oon by oon, he asketh each if he or she kan daunce. Yf he or she kan nat, ther ys a hanging. Ye who heare the recap of thys epsiode, think on whether ye kan dauncen, and what ye wolde saye yn front of nat only an earthli judge, but eek the high Judge himself upon hys throne at the final daunce. KAN YE DAUNCE? KAN YE? ANSWIR WEL OR THOU SHALT DAUNCE IN FLAYMES. Thus endeth the episode.

Next week on televisoun: XXIV houres a daye of footage of the battel of Cressy. Go Engelonde!

(Thys content is approved by the Lords Appellant. Impriblogtur).

A NEW ORDER: A WORD FROM YOWER EDITOR

by THOMAS FAVENT

Benedicite, loial rederes and loveres of the realm of Engelonde. Tis I, Thomas Favent, new editor of thys extreme blog, the which bringeth yow hot new content about every thing and eny thing that is approved by the Lords Appellant, rightful managers of the realm of Engelonde. Ich am just chillinge in my awesome apartment and listeninge to sum tunes (latest Favent fave: Werewolf Fortnight -- chekke out the track "Oxford Nominalism").

Yt semeth a fewe thinges are nat sinkinge in: no, John Gower is in no way affiliated wyth thys blog. As hath been made cleare as daye, this blog is y-owned and y-sponsored by the Lords Appellant and y-edited by yoweres trulie. TEN KINDES OF NO TO THE GOWER RUMORS, people.

And on toppe of that: rederes, plese cease yower tresonous clamour and slandirs. Yt ys yower duetee to God and to Engelonde to loue thys blog. Desist from yower cries for the return of Chaucer, for swich a thyng shall nat happen eny tyme soon. As ich haue explained, the blogge is oweres and Chaucer ys in a place from which he shal nevir return (Las Vegas, likely a buffet). The following persons haue y-maad tresonous commentes and shal be taken in: Kem, Nightsky, Bobbie, Michael, Allie, and Mr. Farty. And while Ich am at it: Anonyme, the "y" is optional.

Finallye: plese, ich praye yow in the name of Seynt Lohan, a litel less tresoun and a litel more apprecioun? Pretty plese? My bosses aren kynde of “resultes-oriented," and ich haue nevir been crazie about the view from the top of a poost on London bridge. Just shewe a litel loue for poor Thomas Favent who hath peraventure seyde sum thinge to Bolingbroke to the effect of "yif I wryte nat an awesome blog, ich wol yeve yow myn heed." TE HEE. TE HEE HEE HEE. TE HEE, ergh.

Okaye, tyme for yower update. We are poosting it soon, wyth the ayde of the hottest scrybes.