A NEW ORDER: TELEVISIOUN WITHOUT MERCY

GEOFFREY CHAUCER (TM) HATH AN EXTREME BLOG: GO ENGLAND! IT YS RAD! - FEATURED CONTENT (edited by Tho. Favent)

TELEVISION WITHOUT MERCY

Spayre the hanginge, spoyle the incipient discourse of nationalisme

What coud be hotter than televisioun? Market surveyes shewe that many folk watchen of yt. Thus, we must bend it to ower will or breke it all to pieces.

Last week the Lords Appellant in their grace and wisdam did tak control of the programminge of tv netwerkes, in order to preserue the values of Engelonde. All of yower fauorite shewes got a make-ovir. Peraventure ye haue been over-bisy wyth toyle during the week (hanging flagges, translating Anglo-Norman romances into Englisshe, spitting south-wardes), and haue nat been able to catch up on developmentes on all yower fauoryte showes of televisioun. Worry nat! Television Without Mercy provideth thes wittie and concise recaps for yower informacioun. Go Engelonde! Here ys what ye maye haue ymissed...

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted: at the Tower of London ys Gossip Girl herself, who hath been ycaught by the diligence of Henry Bolingbroke. She ys taken to Tyburn and hanged. Ye who heare the recap of thys episode, think on what a thyng it is to be a gossip and a teller of tales. Beholdeth the rewardes of telling the pryvytees of othirs upon a blogge! Be ware, lest in yower owene blogges ye bicom jangleres and telleres of tales! Thinketh on yt and in yower myndes rekeneth how deedes haue their endes. Thus endeth the episode.

FLIGHT OF THE LOMBARDS: Thys episode openeth with the Lombard traderes Brentano and Germano yn the stokkes, for Henry Bolingbroke hath discoverid their plan to import fals currencie ycleped lusshebournes ynto Engelonde and eek corner the market on silk and sweet wynes. Brentano and Germano suffer long yn the stokkes and beg for mercy yet thei receyve yt nat. Thei beginnen to singe a roundel but Bolingbrokes men stuff their mouthes wyth cloutes and ragges. Ye who heare the recap of thys epsiode, think on what a thing it is to be a fals marchant and a foule usurer and eek a writer of humorous folk tunes. Beholdeth the rewardes of destabilising Englandes currencie! Be ware, lest in yower owene dealinges ye bicom fals traderes and usurers! Thinketh on yt and in yower myndes rekeneth how deedes haue their endes. Thus endeth the episode.

ARRESTID DEVELOPMENT: All the membirs of the de Blouth familie were yhangid for tresoun in the yeeres of Kyng Edward and thus ther beth no resoun to recap this shewe.

SCRYBES: In thys episode Adam Pinkhurste writeth every manuscript in Engelonde evir, just lyk in every othir episode.

WEEDES: Thys episode openeth wyth Nancy yn the court of Thomas Arundel, Archbishop of York, who sitteth in gret judgement along wyth Henry Bolingbroke, who hath captured Nancy. Thes two gret lordes, oon of the church and oon of the lande, ask Nancy why she doth spreade the heretical writinges of the lollardes and thus doth sowe weedes in our cleane corn. For the teachinges of heretics are lyk weedes, the which strangle the good croppes. Ye who heare the recap of thys episode, thynk of how gret a sin it ys to befoule the feeldes of feyth and loialtee wyth the weedes of heresie and conspiracie! Thynk howe thes weedes of sin do dull the mynde and ynspyre the eatinge of the fatteninge twinkies of rebellion and the fingre-stayninge cheetoes of misfortune! Thus endeth the episode.

SO YE THINKE YE KAN DAUNCEN?: Thys episode openeth wyth all of the contestants in front of special guest judge Henry Bolingbroke. Oon by oon, he asketh each if he or she kan daunce. Yf he or she kan nat, ther ys a hanging. Ye who heare the recap of thys epsiode, think on whether ye kan dauncen, and what ye wolde saye yn front of nat only an earthli judge, but eek the high Judge himself upon hys throne at the final daunce. KAN YE DAUNCE? KAN YE? ANSWIR WEL OR THOU SHALT DAUNCE IN FLAYMES. Thus endeth the episode.

Next week on televisoun: XXIV houres a daye of footage of the battel of Cressy. Go Engelonde!

(Thys content is approved by the Lords Appellant. Impriblogtur).