Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog

Take that, Gower!




Buye The T-Shirtes of the Blog


Buye The Booke of the Blog


Ich do Tweet

mercredi, mai 24, 2006

Wondrous messages for me from the internette!

My gentil rederes alle, what merveilous werkes we see yn thys tyme. BSL! Several sithes within oon daies space ich am astonyed with the wonderful werkynges of the Internette. Trewely, yt beth a thyng of grete wisdam and power.

For nowe that ich haue hadde thys blog for nigh an yeere, ich do receive manye messages of emaile, of gret varietee in maner of speche and in importaunce. Ywis, yt semeth me that ich stonde within the dwellinge of the Goddesse of Renoun or of Fame, the ladye who knoweth all tales and tellynges yn this world ymaad, and to her hous all rumoures and stories do come yn the maner of pigeones flockynge to a man throwinge crumbes of breede – for so manye litel tales do flit toward myn inbox ech daye, nay ech houre: sum of high sentence and muche lernynge, otheres of churlishe nature, sum of tidynges of myn home of Londoun and sum of londes ferne and straunge. Ther beth thynges of loue, and joye, and eek thynges of muchel wo and lamentacioun. Ich speke nat of the emailes from my freendes, such as Sir Simon Burley, Sir John Clanvowe, Ralph Strode, Tommy Vsk et alii, ich speke of thes messages from othirs of whom ich haue no acqueintaunce – ich wene thei do sende them me by cause of myn posicioun at the custoum house? Surely it must be so, for my fame as a poete ys but litel, and thes messages come from alle ovir the globe of the erthe.

Forto shewen yow the wondirs that awaiten me ech daye, ich haue vsid the tooles of “cutte” and “paste” to showe yow the wondirs of myn inboxe. Heere are a fewe ensaumples:

I. A fayre ladye of a far londe offreth me hir loue!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: ABALIA OF SUSA (abalia@susa.co.pj)
RE: MAIL ORDER BRIDE FROM THE REAUME OF PRESTER JOHN

Good daye! Ich ben ycleped Abalia. XXVII yeeres haue ich dwelt yn thys worlde, far awey yn the lande of Prester John, yn Inde, wher the riveres of paradise do flowe ynto a see of gravel. Althogh thys be a fayre contree ful of precious stones and tables ymade of solid emeralde, wher even the tiniest tchotchke ys ycrafted of diamonde (seriouslie, ich haue an adamantine shoe-horne), yet ther are fewe worthy men that dwelle herein. In deed, a lord hight Gatholonabes doth convince alle the yonge men for to joyne his cult of Assasines and they spende ther tyme lernynge to kille silentlye and hide in shadowes. And thus no gentil man ys lefte for a yonge damosel swich as myn selfe, save for the wilde menne of the deserte who haue hornes of beestes and speke no human tongue, and thatte ys juste totallie nastie and gross. Perhaps yt semeth nyce to yow, but ich devoutely wisshe to fynde the blessinges of love matrimoniale! Ich do looke for a man riche nat wyth worldlie goodes, but riche yn corage and vertu, and thus ich haue emailed yow. If liketh yow my message, and ye haue nat hornes and be nat an assasin, may it plese yow to sende an replye to me at abalia@susa.co.pj.

II. An churlish proposicioun of anatomical alchemie! (Mayster Gower, peraventure thys shal be of aide to thee?)

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: AUGMENTULA SALES (492499@chanounsalchemie.com)
RE: BE SURE SHE CRITH NOT ‘TEE HEE’ AT THEE

A man werkynge wyth an mighi plowe can simplie plowe a bettir furrough than a man with a tinye plowe!

Woldstow haue a mighti plowe or a tinye oon?

Order AUGMENTULA todaye, and thou shalt experience the lyf-chaunginge benefittes thousandes of goode men haue whyle on the AUGMENTULA programme! Manye do witnesse grete increses yn the girth, lengthe, and potencie of the membrum virile, and do paye the debte of mariage yn gretere amountes than evir bifor. Finallie thou kanst marrye AND burne at the same tyme!

III. An mightie prince nedeth myn succour yn matirs financiale!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: LEO OF ARMENIA (leoinexileVI@hotmail.com)
RE: THYN SUCCOUR YS NEEDED

Deere Sir,

Followynge the siege of the castel of Gaban and Oure subsequent capture at the hands of the Emir of Aleppo, we haue ben ythrowne into a sttate of complete confusioun, frustracioun, and hopelessnesse by Oure poore estaat. Oure royale person hath been subjectede to physicale and psychologicale torture by hethene captors in the toune of Cairo wher We nowe are helde prisonere. We do beleve that no cristen soule hath the vertu or charitee to aide Vs, for yt semeth al1le the knightes and monarches of Europe are deef to Oure petiticiouns.

Thou must haue herde, good sir, yn the newspaperes and the internette, of the perilouse state of Oure formere kingdom of Armenie, the whichhe hath been ytaak from Oure rightful soverentee by the handes of the Mameluk Turkes.

And yet ther is oon othir matir – ther are manye huge sums of coine and silver plate that We hadde ystored abroade at the tyme of Oure capture. Yn facte, the totale sum of riches still stored yn Oure name doth exceed MMMMMMMMM poundes.

We haue founde thy contacte informacioun thurgh Oure owen personale research, and aas a drowninge man doth reche for ony branche, We haue sette pon the counsel of rechynge thee thurgh email. We pplace grete cohnfidence in thee, hence thys Royale email to thee.

Due to the cruel shackles in which We are ybounde, lik to an newe Prometheus wyth the vulture of despayre gnawinge Oure liver ech daye whanne We thynke of Oure formere glorie and Oure fallen reaume, We kan nat go diretlie to an ATM.

We wolde be verye grateful if thou couldst receyve the various summes of moneye due to Oure royal persone and taak hem into thy safe keepynge. Ower agentes abroade will be in contacte with thee as soon as securite ys set uppe.

Oones We do manage to escape, We hope to settle somewhere plesaunte, perhaps Englande for a while, and We shal receyve ayein the moneye whiche thou hast deposited, whilst yivinge unto thee a sum of thirty out of everie hundred poundes for thyn labour and thy loyaltee.

We will require thy telephone and fax numbres and thy banke accounte informacioun so that Oure chamberlain may transfer the moneyes unto thee. We wolde gretely appreciate yf thou wouldst accepte Oure proposal yn goode faith. Plese exepedite action by sendinge thyn replie to Oure chamberlaines email addresse infra.

chamberlaindeleo1133114@hotmail.com

En foi et espoyr

LEO VI D’ARMENIE

IIII. A warnynge of cruciale importaunce!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: CHURLWATCHERES (reeve@oxenforde.aca.uk)
RE: BEWARE GOOD TYMES!

Heere ys some importaunte informacioun. Be thee ware of a messangere ycleped ‘Good Tymes.’ He ys travelinge yn the vicinitee of Londoun and Southwarke, recentlie scapede from Oxenforde. Yf a messangere hight ‘Good Tymes’ knocketh at thy doore, yive nat entrie vnto hym! For he shalle robbe thee of thy movables and likeli stele the herte of thy wyf. He ys a foule churle that oones wente by the name of Nicholas, a clerke, and he hath mazid manye a goode soule wyth hys false talke of floodes and astrologie, and even convinced sum to lokke themselves yn tubbes whil he hadde his churlishe waye wyth hir yonge and gent wyves.

V. An appeale to the lustes of the bodi!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: BROKERES OF GRETE PORNE (spintrian1949@grapelane.co.uk)
RE: HOTTE HOTTE ACCIOUN

WITNESSE THE HOTTESTE ACCIOUN AVAILABLE ONLYNE!

ONLIE 1s./daye

LADYES OF SPAYNE AND ITALYE, MADEMOYSELLES OF FRAUNCE, GIRLES OF WESTWALE AND ALEMAINE, DAMES OF ENGELOND

– ALLE WYTH FAYRE FOREHEEDS AND WELL-YWIMPLED! HOTTE COURTLIE ACCIOUN! GENTIL TALKE OF HAWKYNGE AND THE LORE OF CUPIDE, THE DOUN-FALLE OF THEBES AND OTHIR MATIRS OF WISDAM! SOFTE AND CHASTE BUSSYNGE ON THE MOUTHE AFTIR LONGE TOURNEYS!

AND FOR BASER AND CHURLISHE FOLKE, LYVE WEBCAMES OF INNES OF THE STEWES, IN WHICH THE ACTE OF VENUS YS DOON YN APERT FOR THYNE EYEN ONLIE. ALLE THE FRESHESTE STARRES, INCLUDYNGE ELEANOR RYKENER. TALES OF NERO AND CALIGULE AND OF THE MI NIGHTES OF ARABYE, AS WEL AS EXTRA-RANDYE FABLIAUX FROM FRAUNCE NEW IMPORTEDE.

VI. And finallie, fortune doth smile vpon me!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: FORTUNA MAIOR (audacesiuvat777@societastoletana.ed.sp)
RE: WORDES OF MUCHE POWERE

The anciente charme of the Romanes

SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS

Thou shalt receyve goode fortune withyn foure dayes of receyvynge thys charme of lucke in thy emaile, but onli yf thou passe yt on to X othir peple.

Edward Kynge of Englande Thirde of That Name did recyve this charme yn emaile in 1346 and sente yt to ten of hys mooste noble barouns and WITHIN DAYES he dide haue a grete victorie at the battel of Crecy.

Richard Lyons merchante did receyve thys charme yn emaile in 1376 and did nat sende yt to anyone and WITHIN DAYES he was accusid of foule corrupcioun in Parliament.

Also thos who passe on thys charme shal be immune to the black deathe!

mercredi, mai 17, 2006

tresoun is spelled G-O-W-E-R

Yn oothir newes, John Gower bygenneth hys responsio to myn appeale ayeinst hym, and yet yt semeth he opneth uppe an oothir canne of wormes yn doynge so.

The Cipher of Leonardo


Myn gentil rederes alle, ich dide thynke ich wolde teste out sum newe materiale on yow bifor ich do trye to publishe yt. Ich haue layde plannes for to enditen what ich do calle a ‘romaunce thrillere’ – all of the actioune of a romaunce, but wyth sum puzzle solvynge and mysteriousness and sum thynge of an expose of the chirche. Ich do calle yt ‘The Ciphere of Leonardo,’ and ich thynke yt ‘has legges,’ as they saye. Here ich shal pooste a ‘tesere’ for thee – thys ys the firste fitt of the poeme:

HEERE BEGYNNETH THE MOOST THRILLINGE ROMAUNCE OF THE CIPHRE OF LEONARDO

Oon night ther forwarde dide ystagger fayntynge
A man hight Saunierye who knewe of payntynges
Thurgh archwaye vaulted of the Louvre he passid
And seised at nerest canvass as yf gassid;
A Carravage yt was, wyth gilded frame,
Ovt from the walle thys man dide tere the same.
In hepe beneth the canvas doun yfallen
From far aweye he herde thalarme to callen.
He thoght hym ‘ich yet lyve’ and caste his eyen
Arounde the roome a refuge for to spyen.
As crawlede he forth a voys dide saye ‘Halt, stop!’
So close yt was! Yn feere hys jawe did drop.
And ther thurgh irene barres he sawe a man
-for, ich sholde saye, accordynge to the plan
Of Palais-Louvres securitee ful grete
By cause of the alarum from lyne VIII
Ther hadde ydropped a gate of muchel strengthe
That trappid Saunierye yn that roomes lengthe.
The man on thothir syde (art thou stille wyth me?)
Was an albino, ful pale and straunge to se
For nothynge striketh feere yn mortal soules
Lyk to the pale! A boate ful of hooles
Ich rather wolde thurgh sharke-rich watirs stere
Than oones come to an albino neere!
A pistole from his coat the pale man drewe
And aymed yt at Saunieyre the trewe.
In accent odd, ‘Was litel vse to runne,’
He sayde, ‘Now wher ys yt? Or get the gunne!’
‘Tolde thee I haue,’ the gode man dide proteste
‘Of what thou spekst ich haue nat the fainteste’
‘Thou liest’ thalbino sayde, ‘Thou and thy brotheres
Kepen sum thynge that by ryght longeth to otheres.’
Adrenalin in Saunieyres veynes dide synge
‘How coud he,’ thoght he then, ‘knowe of thys thynge?’
‘Tonighte,’ pale weirdo seyde, ‘the rightful men
Thys thynge in seisin holden shal ayein –
Telle forth and lyfsblud for thynselfe reservest
But telle me nat and by my gunne thou stervest.’
So Sauyniere lyk Sinon storye tolde
False as the devil, and seyde yt forth ful bolde
For he hadde yt rehersd many a yeer
(Ye notice, o myn gentil rederes deere,
Ich telle yow nat of what thys ‘thyng’ might be-
Yt ys a tricke poetic vsid by me
To kepe yow yn confusioun most plesynge
Thurgh alle thys vague and nonspecific tesyng).
So, wyth the tale of thys McGuffin tolde
Sire Lilye-White did logh, ‘Ich knowe of oold
Thys storye false, for oothirs haue yt seyde’
Sauyniere dide gaspe and blaunchen lyk a mayde:
Yf pale-face spoke the treuthe, than al the thre
Of senechaux (aske me nat what they be)
Had dyede the deeth and tolde the selfsame tale.
Was no man evir yn gretere nede of ale
Than thys Sauyniere, he was so reuthe.
‘Whan thou art dede, no man shal knowe the treuthe
But me,’ thalbino seyde, and shot Sauyniere.
The bullete sange yts hotte waye thurgh the aire
And lodged yn hys cheste, o payne so soore!
And caspere raysed the gunne for yet oon moore.
And yet a clikke, no bullet yet remayneth
For whiche to dryve a passage thurgh hys brayne.
‘Payne ys goode,’ the pale man seyde to hym
And disappearede. By cause he knewe of werre
And eek of woundes he long agoon had seene
Sauyniere coud rekne he hadde minutes XV
Bifor the gunshot wolde bryng forth his deeth
And so he cast aboute wyth hys last breeth
To fynde whiche payntynge nereby he colde see
Well suited to sum light cryptographie
With which to leave sum puzzle or sum clewe
For to be solved by Hanks and Miss Tatou.

jeudi, mai 11, 2006

Aske Chaucere: Parte the Secounde

Mes cherez lecteurz,

Yt hath been mony a moneth syn ich haue thogte of the questiones and inquries that yow sente vnto me for myn column of advyce. Yet ich haue had sum smal tyme to looke ayein at them, and haue founde sum messages for which ich kan yeven counsel.

BSL, movynge ys a thynge of muche wo...ich am boxynge vppe moste of myn possessiouns so that churlez mayen brynge them to Kente to the newe house of the famille Chaucer. Lowys doth louren yn sadnesse of his departure from his freendes, and swete Philippa my wyf ys runnynge the whole showe wyth an accounte-boke yn oon hand and a large panne yn the othir. Yow may gesse wyth which oon she hitteth me vpon the hede whanne ich trye to haue a sytte-doun. But by Seynte Ysidore, yesternighte the sterres al oon shone doun on my composicoun of responses, and myn penne dide quicklie flye. So on to the lettres!

Dear Geoff:

I'm changing the taps on a plastic bathtub. I've got a cranked spanner to loosen off the tail nuts, but I'm worried that the corrosion on the threads is so bad they're not going to come off, or that I might damage the fabric of the tub trying. Because I'm working in a restricted space (the cavity between the tub and the wall - about four inches) sawing would take ages, and the fact that the tub is plastic would make trying to burn the corrosion off pretty risky, too. I've tried loosening off with a synthetic penetrating oil, but all it seems to be doing is making the tails greasy.

What do you recommend?

Yours,

Frustrated DIYer


My deere Mayster Frustratede Dyere,

Ich do much wondre that a welthy mayster of the Dyeinge crafte swich as yowrself sholde haue a fyne and riche bathynge tvbbe with runnyge watir and yet haue nat the moneye for to payen men wyse yn tvbbe-crafte whane ye nede repairynge of the aforeseyde tvbbe.

For no man in hymself ys sufficiente for al nedes, and therefor as Aristotelis saith in his booke of Politique, diverse men aren ygrouped togedir yn citees and reaumes for to svpplie eche othir wyth hire diverse skilles. Oon man cardeth the woole, oon man spinneth the woole, and an oothir dyeth the woole a fayre colour. Oon man ys skillede yn the husbandrie of beestes, an othir yn the preparacioun of java-basid onlyne gamblynge interfaces, and yet an othir in the produccioun of artificiale guacamole flavour for potato crispes.

Thus, Mayster Dyere, kepe ye to yowr owen crafe of dyemakynge and dyeinge of textiles, and employe sum maysters of tvbberye to fixe yowr bathtube. Also ye maye wisshe to haue installyd sum of those jacuzzi air-jettes; they are helle of swete aftir a longe daye of travel.

Le Vostre
GC


Yeow G
Think thee not to Gower me
For if this
Shoulde come to pass
Then ich will
Full in mine puissaaunce
Leyne Beastee
On thy sorrye ass.


This was twyce ypostede on myn oolde friendster blogge. Ich vndirstonde nat what it signifieth, save that some oon was obviouslye havynge a bad daye.

Dear Mr. Chaucer,

Okay, so there's, like, this guy at school and he is TOTALLY hot and I think he likes me - like, he hasn't SAID anything? But Jamie heard from Marissa that Brooke had overhead him saying that he was completely into me!! And I like totally trust them? Except that this guy used to date M'lyssa and exes are like SO out of bounds, it's so not cool! But then she was all "oh, we're thinking about getting back together too" and the rest of us were just like, "umm, get over yourself?" and she was like "no", and we were like "yeah" and now she's not talking to any of us which is SOOO unreasonable, she is such a drama queen oh my god and she has the fugliest hair, she had it like slicked back yesterday and I was just like "what the hell?"
So anyways, do you think I should go for him???

Love,
Hopeless Romantic


Ma chere Romantique sans Espoir,

Thou knowst wel the oolde clerkes sawe, ‘who shal yeve a loevere any lawe’? And also that fayre couplete of Boethius his Consolation of Philosophie that saith ‘quis legem det amantibus, maior enim lex est amor sibi,’ the whiche on englysshe tonge meneth ‘Who shal yiven loveres a lawe? ffor love ys for ytselfe a gretere lawe.’

Thus, thyn affecioun for thys manne of hotnesse doth surpasse eny bonde or promise thou hast ymade with Marisse. But onlye, I counsel thee, yf yt doth drawe yts source from cupides owen trewe arwe, and yf yt ys sovereine and powirful love (and nat simplye a passynge fancie). So yf yt be trewe and honest love, proceede, wyth litle thoghte for litel boondes yn fikel frendshep yforged. And yet, be nat cruelle aboute Marisses hairestyle, for as Cicero saith: odium ludo non ludatori, the whiche meneth hate nat the playere but the game.

Le Vostre
GC

Ma Cher Geoffery,

Myn clas was asked to post in yowr blog. Perchance yow can shaer yowr opynun of alle malle scoles and bathe owr clas in swich licour of which discussion is the flour. Euryone hath sumthing to saye on thys topic and we alwas wish to here them.

- In Aprill Shoures


Makstow a jape, yonge Aprille Shoures?

For both the litel scoles of grammar that aren connectede to chirches and houses of religion, and the grete scoles (by whiche ich do mene thilke groves of lernynge at Oxenford, Paris, and Boloigne), are, alle and some, deuotede to the educacioun of men and boyes. Spekestow of mervailles and fancies of straunge londes? For nevir have ich herde of a woman at the scole of Oxenforde. Nevir have ich herde of a woman who ys a doctour of theologie, or a mayster of artes or lernede yn physik.

Indede, it ys a matir of sum consternacioun for me. Thogh mony gentil and noble wommene can lerne lettres at home and to reden scripture and othir werkes, in no wyse can they goon to studye the artes liberales or theologie. And thys vnjustice persisteth, thogh ther haue been and aren and shal be women nexte to which Thomas Aquinas shal seeme merely a coleric fat man wyth a good memorye, and Williame Ockham a faste-talkynge drunke wyth the occasionale interestynge insighte. For certes, Heloyse was a gode woman, and a lernede, as was Hildegarde the visionaire of Bingen, and eek yn my tyme Christine of Pise. And also Marie de France, and Hrotswit of Gandersheim who dide showe mony a filme at Sundance, to make mencioun of a mere fewe. Alle of them glories nat merely to their sexe but to al mortal soules heere on this erthe, and alle of them yshutte from prechynge and scolershipe merely by cause Seynte Paule had a verye difficult relaciounship wyth his mothir.

Nowe, as to whedir men and women sholde be yscoled togedir, that ys anothir matir and oon that ich shal answeren oones women can actuallie goon to scoles. Ich do ymagine, thogh, that yt mighte be verye distractynge in the fayre moneth of Maye.

Le Vostre
GC

mardi, mai 02, 2006

To Kalamazoo, wyth Love

O, swete ys the lusti moneth of May, swete aren yts floures and yts gentil zephyrs eke. Euen sweetre ys the facte that ich am aboute to gette a realli goode deale on some lande in Kente. Peraventure, eftsoon ich and myn householde shal be far from stinkye olde Londoun wyth yts large advertisementz and yts almost constante factionale violence. (Ich so do nat care whethir aldermannic elecioun goth by craftes or wardes – the whole mattir ys euen more borynge than the disputez in parliament concerynge the grete yarmouth herrynge monopolye. Haue not thes politicians eny lyves of ther owen?)

Ther is oon othir enchesoun for the swoteness of Maye: yn this moneth ther ys the gatherynge of Kalamazoo. From alle laundes and regiones of the globe of the erthe, folke do come to talke of tymes of yore, to share akademik werke, and to get rioutouslye dronke on free wine. Yt is, ywis, a jolie paradise ful of pleasaunte and lernede peple and muchel joye. Ther is also a daunce at the ende. Ich wolde haue visited thys yeere, but they rejectede myn papere proposal, the whiche ys a thynge of much ridiculousnesse, for the papere was on myn selfe! Thou woldst thynke that ich was somedeel of an experte on that subiecte.

Enyway, so as ich walkede yn a modest but fayre Kentish gardene, the whiche shall soon be myne owen, and thynkede on May the loueres moneth and on the feeste of Kalamazoo, ich happed vpon the counsel of endityng wordes of loue for the vistores to Kalamazoo. Ich shall yive vnto them sum lynes of pick-vppe, with which thei kan earne the affecioun of that especialle homme or femme stayinge at Valley II.

Peraventure yow gentils do wondre at myn givynge of aduice in loue, for ich am a rolli-polli manne -- nat exactlie Colin de Pharelle -- and ich haue nat yflirted wyth eny soule for mony longe yeeres. But thinke on thys, that a whetstone is no kervyng instrument, yet it maketh sherpe kervynge toolis. Al thogh I knowe nat Love in dede thes dayes, ich knowe muche of bookes and muche of myn owen past yeeres and amours.

And thus, lyk vnto a pale shadwe of Ovid that grete writere of loue, lyk ann verye magisterulus amoris, ich gyve unto yow fayre folke thes lynes of picke vppe – sum shorte, sum longe, sum of noble caste and otheres churlishe, sum onlye vseful at kalamazoo and otheres of applicacioun more generale. May the archere Cupide hitte the merke for yow!

GALFRIDUS CHAUCERES LYNES OF PICKE-VPPE:

-Do sheriffs administere thee to those who breke the kinges peace? Bycause thou lookst “fyne.”

-Yf thou were a latyn tretise ich wolde putte thee in the vernacular.

-Ich do deuote myn diligence to studye of the anatomie of engendrure. Ich haue happed vpon an abstruse passage in the werke of Constantyne the Affrikan De Coitu, the which I kan nat construe. For lernynges sake and the goode of wisdom, woldstow performe the acte of venus withe me so that ich may interpret thys clause in propre wise?

-Ich loved thy papere, but yt wolde looke much better yscattred across the floore of myn rentede dorme roome at dawne.

-Art thou a disastrous poll tax? Bycause I feele a risynge comynge on.

-Nyce bootes. Wanna swyve?

-Thou lookst so mvch lyk an aungel that the friares haue lefte the roome yn terror!

-Shulle we maken the cindreblokke to synge?

-Woldstow haue me shyfte thyne voweles?

-Were thou yn my seisin, ich wolde nevir escheat on thee.

-Thy beaute ys more intoxicatyng than the OVP openne bar.

-Yf thy beautee were an poeme, yt wolde make Dante looke lyk Marcabru.

-The preeste telleth me that we aren more than VII degrees of consanguinitee. Game on!

-Ich notyce that myn demense and thyn do abutte. Wolde yt plese thee to consolidate ovre powere-base in the midlands?

-Makstow a pilgrymage heere often?

-Let vs breake oure mornyng faste togedir tomorrowe. Shal ich sende a page wyth a message for thee, or shal ich wake thee wyth an aubade composid ex tempore?

-Ich coude drynke a yearlye tun of thee.

-Ys thy father a makere of walles? For how else dide he gyve thee svch a tall and fayre forheed?

-Ich haue the tale of Lancelot yn myn roome. Woldstow rede of yt wyth me?

--By my soule, thou art a verye mappe of helle. For thy face lyk the rivere Styx wil make me swere oothes neuer to be fforsworn, and thy embrace lyk the Lethe shal make me foryet al else, and lyk vnto the Flegeton thyn arse ys ON FYRE!

-Woldstow be myn Gaveston?

-Howe abovte a blancmange and the acte of Venus? Whatte, blancmange pleseth thee nat?

-If ich sayde that thou hadde a bele chose, woldstow holde it ayeinst me?