Wondrous messages for me from the internette!

My gentil rederes alle, what merveilous werkes we see yn thys tyme. BSL! Several sithes within oon daies space ich am astonyed with the wonderful werkynges of the Internette. Trewely, yt beth a thyng of grete wisdam and power.

For nowe that ich haue hadde thys blog for nigh an yeere, ich do receive manye messages of emaile, of gret varietee in maner of speche and in importaunce. Ywis, yt semeth me that ich stonde within the dwellinge of the Goddesse of Renoun or of Fame, the ladye who knoweth all tales and tellynges yn this world ymaad, and to her hous all rumoures and stories do come yn the maner of pigeones flockynge to a man throwinge crumbes of breede – for so manye litel tales do flit toward myn inbox ech daye, nay ech houre: sum of high sentence and muche lernynge, otheres of churlishe nature, sum of tidynges of myn home of Londoun and sum of londes ferne and straunge. Ther beth thynges of loue, and joye, and eek thynges of muchel wo and lamentacioun. Ich speke nat of the emailes from my freendes, such as Sir Simon Burley, Sir John Clanvowe, Ralph Strode, Tommy Vsk et alii, ich speke of thes messages from othirs of whom ich haue no acqueintaunce – ich wene thei do sende them me by cause of myn posicioun at the custoum house? Surely it must be so, for my fame as a poete ys but litel, and thes messages come from alle ovir the globe of the erthe.

Forto shewen yow the wondirs that awaiten me ech daye, ich haue vsid the tooles of “cutte” and “paste” to showe yow the wondirs of myn inboxe. Heere are a fewe ensaumples:

I. A fayre ladye of a far londe offreth me hir loue!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)

FROM: ABALIA OF SUSA (abalia@susa.co.pj)

RE: MAIL ORDER BRIDE FROM THE REAUME OF PRESTER JOHN

Good daye! Ich ben ycleped Abalia. XXVII yeeres haue ich dwelt yn thys worlde, far awey yn the lande of Prester John, yn Inde, wher the riveres of paradise do flowe ynto a see of gravel. Althogh thys be a fayre contree ful of precious stones and tables ymade of solid emeralde, wher even the tiniest tchotchke ys ycrafted of diamonde (seriouslie, ich haue an adamantine shoe-horne), yet ther are fewe worthy men that dwelle herein. In deed, a lord hight Gatholonabes doth convince alle the yonge men for to joyne his cult of Assasines and they spende ther tyme lernynge to kille silentlye and hide in shadowes. And thus no gentil man ys lefte for a yonge damosel swich as myn selfe, save for the wilde menne of the deserte who haue hornes of beestes and speke no human tongue, and thatte ys juste totallie nastie and gross. Perhaps yt semeth nyce to yow, but ich devoutely wisshe to fynde the blessinges of love matrimoniale! Ich do looke for a man riche nat wyth worldlie goodes, but riche yn corage and vertu, and thus ich haue emailed yow. If liketh yow my message, and ye haue nat hornes and be nat an assasin, may it plese yow to sende an replye to me at abalia@susa.co.pj.

II. An churlish proposicioun of anatomical alchemie! (Mayster Gower, peraventure thys shal be of aide to thee?)

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)

FROM: AUGMENTULA SALES (492499@chanounsalchemie.com)

RE: BE SURE SHE CRITH NOT ‘TEE HEE’ AT THEE

A man werkynge wyth an mighi plowe can simplie plowe a bettir furrough than a man with a tinye plowe!

Woldstow haue a mighti plowe or a tinye oon?

Order AUGMENTULA todaye, and thou shalt experience the lyf-chaunginge benefittes thousandes of goode men haue whyle on the AUGMENTULA programme! Manye do witnesse grete increses yn the girth, lengthe, and potencie of the membrum virile, and do paye the debte of mariage yn gretere amountes than evir bifor. Finallie thou kanst marrye AND burne at the same tyme!

III. An mightie prince nedeth myn succour yn matirs financiale!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)

FROM: LEO OF ARMENIA (leoinexileVI@hotmail.com)

RE: THYN SUCCOUR YS NEEDED

Deere Sir,

Followynge the siege of the castel of Gaban and Oure subsequent capture at the hands of the Emir of Aleppo, we haue ben ythrowne into a sttate of complete confusioun, frustracioun, and hopelessnesse by Oure poore estaat. Oure royale person hath been subjectede to physicale and psychologicale torture by hethene captors in the toune of Cairo wher We nowe are helde prisonere. We do beleve that no cristen soule hath the vertu or charitee to aide Vs, for yt semeth al1le the knightes and monarches of Europe are deef to Oure petiticiouns.

Thou must haue herde, good sir, yn the newspaperes and the internette, of the perilouse state of Oure formere kingdom of Armenie, the whichhe hath been ytaak from Oure rightful soverentee by the handes of the Mameluk Turkes.

And yet ther is oon othir matir – ther are manye huge sums of coine and silver plate that We hadde ystored abroade at the tyme of Oure capture. Yn facte, the totale sum of riches still stored yn Oure name doth exceed MMMMMMMMM poundes.

We haue founde thy contacte informacioun thurgh Oure owen personale research, and aas a drowninge man doth reche for ony branche, We haue sette pon the counsel of rechynge thee thurgh email. We pplace grete cohnfidence in thee, hence thys Royale email to thee.

Due to the cruel shackles in which We are ybounde, lik to an newe Prometheus wyth the vulture of despayre gnawinge Oure liver ech daye whanne We thynke of Oure formere glorie and Oure fallen reaume, We kan nat go diretlie to an ATM.

We wolde be verye grateful if thou couldst receyve the various summes of moneye due to Oure royal persone and taak hem into thy safe keepynge. Ower agentes abroade will be in contacte with thee as soon as securite ys set uppe.

Oones We do manage to escape, We hope to settle somewhere plesaunte, perhaps Englande for a while, and We shal receyve ayein the moneye whiche thou hast deposited, whilst yivinge unto thee a sum of thirty out of everie hundred poundes for thyn labour and thy loyaltee.

We will require thy telephone and fax numbres and thy banke accounte informacioun so that Oure chamberlain may transfer the moneyes unto thee. We wolde gretely appreciate yf thou wouldst accepte Oure proposal yn goode faith. Plese exepedite action by sendinge thyn replie to Oure chamberlaines email addresse infra.

chamberlaindeleo1133114@hotmail.com

En foi et espoyr

LEO VI D’ARMENIE

IIII. A warnynge of cruciale importaunce!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)

FROM: CHURLWATCHERES (reeve@oxenforde.aca.uk)

RE: BEWARE GOOD TYMES!

Heere ys some importaunte informacioun. Be thee ware of a messangere ycleped ‘Good Tymes.’ He ys travelinge yn the vicinitee of Londoun and Southwarke, recentlie scapede from Oxenforde. Yf a messangere hight ‘Good Tymes’ knocketh at thy doore, yive nat entrie vnto hym! For he shalle robbe thee of thy movables and likeli stele the herte of thy wyf. He ys a foule churle that oones wente by the name of Nicholas, a clerke, and he hath mazid manye a goode soule wyth hys false talke of floodes and astrologie, and even convinced sum to lokke themselves yn tubbes whil he hadde his churlishe waye wyth hir yonge and gent wyves.

V. An appeale to the lustes of the bodi!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)

FROM: BROKERES OF GRETE PORNE (spintrian1949@grapelane.co.uk)

RE: HOTTE HOTTE ACCIOUN

WITNESSE THE HOTTESTE ACCIOUN AVAILABLE ONLYNE!

ONLIE 1s./daye

LADYES OF SPAYNE AND ITALYE, MADEMOYSELLES OF FRAUNCE, GIRLES OF WESTWALE AND ALEMAINE, DAMES OF ENGELOND

– ALLE WYTH FAYRE FOREHEEDS AND WELL-YWIMPLED! HOTTE COURTLIE ACCIOUN! GENTIL TALKE OF HAWKYNGE AND THE LORE OF CUPIDE, THE DOUN-FALLE OF THEBES AND OTHIR MATIRS OF WISDAM! SOFTE AND CHASTE BUSSYNGE ON THE MOUTHE AFTIR LONGE TOURNEYS!

AND FOR BASER AND CHURLISHE FOLKE, LYVE WEBCAMES OF INNES OF THE STEWES, IN WHICH THE ACTE OF VENUS YS DOON YN APERT FOR THYNE EYEN ONLIE. ALLE THE FRESHESTE STARRES, INCLUDYNGE ELEANOR RYKENER. TALES OF NERO AND CALIGULE AND OF THE MI NIGHTES OF ARABYE, AS WEL AS EXTRA-RANDYE FABLIAUX FROM FRAUNCE NEW IMPORTEDE.

VI. And finallie, fortune doth smile vpon me!

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)

FROM: FORTUNA MAIOR (audacesiuvat777@societastoletana.ed.sp)

RE: WORDES OF MUCHE POWERE

The anciente charme of the Romanes

SATOR

AREPO

TENET

OPERA

ROTAS

Thou shalt receyve goode fortune withyn foure dayes of receyvynge thys charme of lucke in thy emaile, but onli yf thou passe yt on to X othir peple.

Edward Kynge of Englande Thirde of That Name did recyve this charme yn emaile in 1346 and sente yt to ten of hys mooste noble barouns and WITHIN DAYES he dide haue a grete victorie at the battel of Crecy.

Richard Lyons merchante did receyve thys charme yn emaile in 1376 and did nat sende yt to anyone and WITHIN DAYES he was accusid of foule corrupcioun in Parliament.

Also thos who passe on thys charme shal be immune to the black deathe!