Deedes of Majestee

O the tene and vexacioun of beynge the humble servaunt of a grete Kyng. For todaye, as ich dide looke ovir the laste of myn householdes posessiouns yn Aldgate of Londoun, bisi ynough with muche labour and thogte aboute wher to putte the lampe yn the rentede van and whethir Lowys wanteth the tee shirte he hath ylefte crumplide yn the cornere of hys roome, lo! an heraud dide appeare wyth a message for me from my lorde Kyng Richarde.

By Seinte Bartholemewes grille! Yt was no thyng othir than a royale writ De flatteria scribenda, the whiche doth demaunde that ich wryte some small libell or brode-sheete yn prayse of Kyng Richarde contaynynge proofe of his vertu. Ich do translate the writ for yow heere:

RICARDUS DEI GRATIA rex Angliae et Franciae et dominus Hiberniae ad suum carum servum Galfridum Chaucer salutem. Nunc est scribendum aliquid de flatteria pro nostra regali maiestate. Diu fructibus largitatis nostrae fructus es, et pauca pro nobis produxisti. Quaedam facta de quodam milite strenuo Carolo Norrys nomine in paginis internettae ad nostram notitiam advenerunt. Talia facta de potentia et sapientiae de nobis scribas.

“Richarde et cetera to hys deere servaunt Geoffreye Chaucere sendeth greetynges. Yt ys tyme to wryte sum thyng of flatterye for Oure Royale Majestee. Loonge tyme thou hast enjoyede the fruytes of oure largesse, and yiven litel to vs. Certayne deedes of a certayne bolde Knighte yclepede Charles de Norrys haue ycome to Oure Attencioun yn pages of the internette. Write of vs swich maner of deedes of powere and wisdam.”

Ywis, as thes thynges goon, ich dide haue to stop my daye vntil ich had composid and endited sum factes aboute my noble Lord Kyng Richard, the which ich haue heere yncluded so that ye kan reden of hem:

TOPPE FACTES AND DEEDES CONCERNYGE THE MIGHTI KYNG RICHARD

KYNG RICHARDE doth nat chase the deere. Chasynge doth implie the possibilitee that KYNG RICHARDE mighte nat catche the deere. KYNG RICHARD mounteth his horse and waiteth for the deere to die.

Whanne an dispute at Oxenforde did occur considerynge the trewe nature of the power of royale kyngeshipe, KYNG RICHARDE was acknowledged the wiseste doctour yn that lerned companie. Yet he dide yive an answere of two woordes onlie: “KYNG RICHARDE.”

The voweles of the Englysshe tonge weren supposed to shifte yn 1377, but KYNG RICHARDE tolde them to staye the helle where they were.

KYNG RICHARDE kan make Johannes Goweres poetrie interestinge.

KYNG RICHARDE doth nat consulte the bookes of lawes and statutez of the reaume. He kepeth the lawes yn his owene herte.

KYNG RICHARDE his touche kan cure scrofula. Too bad, then, that he shal nevir touch thee, churl!

Yonge infauntes do crye and waile with muchel a teere for thei knowe that nevir shal ther feestes be as royale and fayre as those of KYNGE RICHARDE.

KYNG RICHARDE was ful able to haue conquerede all of Fraunce longe agoon, but he thoghte that the “Thirtee Nyne Yeeres Warre” soundede bad.

Armor doth weare KYNG RICHARDE for proteccioun.

Oones as the cronique doth reherce, ther liued a kynge hight Darius who dide gather hys thre counsellors and aske what was the strengest thynge, wyn, womman, or a kyng? And the firste wyse man dide saye that the kynge was the moost of strengthe, for he hadde powir over lyf and deeth. And the seconde dide clayme that wyn was the strengest, for yt doth bynde everi man far moore than ony kynge. And the thridde sage dide saye that that wommen ben the myhtieste, for hir loue hath caused manye kingdomes to rise or to falle - and yet he dide adde that truthe was strenger than alle othir thynges, for in no wise may truthe be overcome. And then KYNG RICHARDE dide slaye alle of them.

KYNG RICHARDE doth nat sleepe; he exerteth his majestee while prone.

KYNG RICHARDE kan yive a summarie of Pieres Plowman yn undir a minute.

Whanne Parlemente dide aske for an accounte of the expenditure of KYNG RICHARDE his housholde, KYNG RICHARDE sente vnto them onlye a peynture of his visage ytwistede yn wrathe. Parlemente dissoluede ytselfe and the Knightes of the Shire dide flee to foreyn londes.

KYNG RICHARDE alreadye habet the corpus.

KYNG RICHARDE nedeth nat to buye riche furres of ermine for to make hys robes – the ermines themselves jumpe on to hys backe and do slee themselves in obedience.

KYNG RICHARDE ys soore angerede at the clergie for infringement of copyrighte, for ‘The Peace of God’ beth the name of hys right arme, and ‘The Truce of God’ beth the name of his left arme.

At night KYNG RICHARDE hath brighte lanternes and torches al ybrennynge yn his chambre. Nat by cause KYNG RICHARDE doth feere the shadowede derkenesse, but by cause the derknesse ytself hath a grete feere of KYNG RICHARDE!

KYNG RICHARDE nedeth nat a hawke or faucon, for hys owne honde kan flye thurgh the air and kille any thynge.

Whenne God doth write lettres patente, he calleth hymself "Lord of the Universe by the Grace of KYNGE RICHARDE.”

The Black Deeth had halfe of yts populacioun destroyede by KYNG RICHARDE.

Whanne he was borne, KYNG RICHARDE dide emerge from his motheres womb wyth sevene riche bishopes, a ful lernede confessour, severale dukes who aren hys freendes and counsellours, two yeomen bearynge banneres and ten menne of Gasconie ful redy to cooke a fyne feeste.