esy rydere


Beinge a royale favourite ys not alle yt is crackede up to be, for Kynde Richarde redieth to goon aboute the countrye and visite wyth the locales, and he hath not a scrivener he trusteth for to maken his rydere, so y have been encoumbred by the taske. Y thoghte of askynge myne owen scriven, Maister Adam Linkferste, butte he ys oute of toune.

Myn wo is tempred by the goodnesse of fortune, for yt semeth that it muchel plesen folke of the internette to reden of ryderes and thes contractes made betwene monarches and those who lodge them. Ywis, forto maken vertu of necesitee, peradventure yt shal plese yow gentils alle to reden of kynge richardes rydere which I have made (whil myn owen propre custoume worke pileth up lyk undersized denim jacketes yn a hipsteres closet!).

INCIPIT:

LORDLIE AND ROYALE DOWNTIME REQUIREMENTZ FOR OURE TRESPUISSANT SOVEREYNE RICHARD BY THE GRACE OF GOD KYNGE OF ENGELONDE AND FRAUNCE AND LORDE OF IRELAUNDE

I. CHAMBRE

ITEM. the kynges chambre shal be adorned wyth tapestries depictinge the supremacye of kynge over subjectes by meanes of subtyl and lernede allegorie

ITEM. the kynges chambre shal be warmede wyth fiere-herthes vntil a mannes brethe turne not vnto myste

ITEM. ther shal be a garden nere in which the kyng maye walk, and yt shall be:
-LARGE
-RAYLED ALL TH’ALEYES
-SHADEWED WEL WITH BLOSMY BOWES GRENE
-BENCHED NEWE

ITEM. the kinges chambre shal be nere ynogh to the chambre of lorde Robert de Vere the Marquis of Dublin so thatte a dronken manne myght fynden hys waye along such a distaunce in the derke of night

ITEM. the followinge victuals and beverages shal be available at alle houres:
-oystres yn gravy
-henne yn broth
-capone fryede in manere kentuckie, XIV pieces
-sardenez
-strayberyes yn goode red wyn
-wyn of whit and of red
-swete wyn
-II botels of hennessie
-case of cristal
-watir fayre and clene (MUST BE FAYRE AND CLENE)

II. THE HALLE/FEESTES

ITEM. yn the hal shall be sette the biggeste damne throne that yow kan fynde. in no wys shal eny chayre yn the halle even compare to how bigge the throne ys. none shal sitte upon or touche the throne except oure lorde the kynge.

ITEM. feestes shal be held in hal at a goodlie tyme. if the kyng wish not to come to hall forto eten, yow shal not bugge hym aboute yt

ITEM. halle feestes shal feature one (I) byrde course and two (II) fisshe courses and one (I) blancmange course and eek fowre (IV) courses involvinge pecockes and sixe (VI) maners of rostted flesh and also brede and spyces wyth ale and wyn enough to gladden the hertes of men

ITEM. aftir mete ther shal be AT LEESTE TWO OF THE FOLLOWINGE:
-II to IV wise clerkes that kan speken of cronycles of kyngez and other polycyez
-x pyperes, harperes, singeres, or sum combinacioun thereof
-I to III dancing bear(es)
-a childe uppon chere who can jangle als a jaye and japes telle

Nota Bene: YN NO WYS SHAL THER BE NUTS NERE ANY OF KYNGE RICHARDES FOODE – HE HATH A POWERFULLE AVERSIONE TO THE EVIL NUT AND DOTH TURNE REDDE AND KAN SCARCE BRETHE – ANY SUBJECTE WHO SO MUCH AS THINKETH OF NUTS IN THE KINGES PRESENCE SHAL BE CONSIDRED TO HAVE COMPASSED THE DETH OF THE KYNGE AND SHAL BE HUNG AND QUARTERED AS A TRAYTOR

6 Responses to "esy rydere"

  1. What eteth him in Lententyde? Yf he ne almounde milke canne stomacke, how might he ete in metelessnesse?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Verilye yt ys moch liken to an Gigge Kontrackt wych thee Raod Manajyrre of ye Minstrell Troupe yclepet "Spinal Tappe" mocht havven enforcet. Envye thee doo Y notte in thie work...

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  3. Oh my God my face is sore from laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Verilye yt ys moch liken to an Gigge Kontrackt wych thee Raod Manajyrre of ye Minstrell Troupe yclepet "Spinal Tappe"..."

    Certes, this oon tyme owere seneschal dide explode!

    ReplyDelete
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