Aske Chaucere, Parte the Firste

My dog is a retriever, but he won't chase a ball. Every time I throw a toy across the room, he climbs in my lap and licks my face. I know he needs exercise--what do I do?

--Pinned To The Floor

Ma Cher Pinnede to The Floore,

By my feithe, firste y oght to praise yow for yowre carefulle husbandrie and governance of yowre hounde. Ther arn sundrie folke who fede ther houndes with rosted flessh, or milk and wastel-breed and reken litel of the helthe of the dogges in question. Yowre care maken myne eyes to watre with teres, so like it is unto my love for litel Lowys my sone.

Actuallye, a tale of litel Lowys shal bere the kernel of myn counsel unto yow. This yuletide, y gave hym an astrolabe with instructions written by yowres trulie with muchel care and laboure. But whatte does he opene firste? The XBOX CCCLX thatte my Lorde John of Gaunte gave vnto hym. The astrolabe ys styll in its brighte shinye wrappinge papere.

By thys ensample yow might undirstonde that alle thynges taken aftir ther nature, especialie dogges and litel boyes. And Plinie the Eldre telleth us in booke 8 of historie naturale that houndes do chace the enemies and bestes awaie from ther maistres, and yliche that the hostes of Garamante and of Castabale didde usen armies of dogges, for they arn fierce and bloodie. So yow can see thatte "toyes" are not goinge to do it. Yow nede fynden some animal or enemy for yowre dogge to kille, and thenne he will reallye go atte yt.

Le Vostre G

--

Sir -

Ich wishe for adyce in the matter of fashion and armes. Ys it verrily a mistake to wear a lilyflour in my helm? (Ich have a shylde of golde.)

Thopas

Mon Sire Thopas,

By seinte Jerome, finallye someone who kan spelle! Messire Thopas, yow seem a man fair and gent, and Y sholde muchel relish for to tellen yowre tale. Ich shalle have myne peple calle yowre peple. As for the lilye? It dependeth how whethir yow wolde ben 'easte coaste' or 'weste coaste.'

Le Vostre G

--

My betrothed, a most wicked man, betrayed me near as bad as Tereus did Procne. His woman of choice commited, though, that villainy which women do best, and tempted him away. Presently it is not legal, where I live, to have either of them killed for this treachery -- what shall I do to avenge the wrong they both have done to me, and to my virtue? Their joy at my grief does pain me so.

-Cor Fracta Est

Ma Cher Coeur Brisee

Thoughe y love a goode revenge tragedie as much as the nexte guye, y muste counsel yow to a bettre path. Yow sholde maken pece and kepe faithe, not wyth thyne betrothede nor wyth this womanlie Diomede, but rathir with yowrselfe. For vengence aperteneth and longeth al oonly to juges. Remembre yow that pacience is a greet vertu of perfeccioun, and remembre that ther are tymes ordained unto al thynges by the first moevere -- of the ookes, and of the hard stones, and of man and womman seen we also, in youthe as well as age, alle shal be dumped , a kyng as shall a page - som dumped on dates, som dumped by telephone, some dumped in compaignie, som dumped allone - ther helpeth noght, al goth that ilke weye.

And thus, take two pintes of hagen dasz dulce de leche, a ful seson of buffie the vampyre slayre, and calle me in the morninge.

Le Vostre G

--

By my feith, a longe poste. Yt hath muchel distractede me from myne woole accountes, and now I nedes muste worken late ynto the night.

(recopyed from Februarie XXIII, MMVI)