The Ocks Menne

O THE SWETE DAYES of somer are wel vpon us nowe, and longen foolke to heare of superheroes, and storyes of aventure, of menne and womene wyth capes and funnye maskes who haue poweres. Ywis, ich do awaite with grete anticipacioun the openynge daye of ‘Super-manne Returneth,’ and ich was blowene awey to heare that ther shalle be IV (counte hem! IV!) villaines yn the newe filme of the Spidere-Manne.

And thus ich haue sette aboute creatynge myn owene superheroes. Yt ys ful plesaunte to sitte and thynke of tales of marvelles al the while reclyngge in an adirondacke chayre yn myn Kentishe garden wyth the juyce of mojito. In but a fewe dayes ich haue createde enogh storyes of superhero to fille manye a graphic nouele, feature filme or eek tie-in video game.

Peraventure, oones ich do complete the Tales of Canterburye, ich shalle sette aboute enditynge the noble tale of...

THE OCKS MENNE

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Noble heroes from al estates of the kyngdom aren broughte togedir by Professir William of Ockham, yclepede PROFESSIR OCKS, who beth confynede to a wheelchayre syn that daye longe agoon when he dide soore wounde hym selfe wyth a deadlie razor of hys owene makynge. He doth seeke oute folke wyth speciale poweres of magicke, who shal kepe reson and justice in the reaume. Thei do fighte ayeinst the evil JOHANNES GOWERE (who hath no powere othere than to produce boredom, the whiche ys dedely enogh).

Ich presente to yow, the Ocks Menne:

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‘THE PERLE MAYDEN’: Thys ghoostlye spirite of a yonge girle weareth a comeleye garmente alle of perlez. She hath the powere to kepe eny manne engagede yn difficulte and intricatlie rhymynge spirituale discussion for seuerale dayes on ende.

‘THE COMMUNE VOYS’: Thys right large manne hath an necke ymaad of iren and steele, the whiche kan be nat struck by no wepne. Beynge immune to beheadynge, he ys the onlie manne who hath no feare of speakynge the truthe yn parlement. Yn episode XII, Johannes Gowere doth trye to appropriate ‘The Commune Voys’ but ys defeatede by his owene inherente elitisme.

PIERS THE PLOUGHMAN: Piers the Ploughman hath litel memorie of his birthe and rearynge, for he was the subjecte of a toppe-secret governmente experimente, the ‘PLOUGHMAN X’ programme. Chancerye dide turne Pieres yn to the perfecte ploughman, to replace those who dide perisshe yn the grete pestilence. Thei dide putte plowes yn Peres’s handes, and dide yive hym the powir of regeneracioun yn caas he be ytrodden vpon by the oxene of the feeldes. Pieres made hys escape, and nowe doth labore on hys ploughe for us alle and showe us the waye of pilgrimage to truthe. Hys motto: “Ich am the beste ther ys at what ich do, and what ich do ich do for commun profit and the loue of Christ. Also ich kicke ass.”

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BEVIS OF HAMTON : Bevis of Hamton ys a mighti knighte, thogh he speketh nat yn the maner of gentil folke.

’PICATRIX’: Thys crafty Saracen magician doth come from Spayne. He ys mayster of magicke of the sterres. Wyth no thyng more than the kidneyes of a wolfe and a smalle figure of two toades jumpynge, he kan create enmitee bitwene thos who oones were freendes. He kan eek remoeve grisly rokkes blakke that hinder shippes from the see, and oft doth so to winne the loue of ladyes.

’THE HUMAN ABACUS’: Thys manne hath an abacus for an heede, and thus ys ful skillede at summes of nombres and calculaciouns. He knoweth the date of Easter for the nexte MMMM yeeres. He kan do the woole custoume accountes yn oon halfe of oon seconde, and thus his mariage ys ful blisful for he beth nat ycalled a ‘workaholic.’ The Human Abacus was an normal manne lyk thou or ich, but thenne oon daye he was ybit by an radioactive abacus.

’ANONYMOUS’: Trewelye a thynge of fayerye, Anonymous ys sum tyme a manne, and sum tyme a woman, and eek sum tyme a large masse of peple – in the laste of those similitudes Anonymous doth brynge forthe large-scale sociale and politicale innovaciouns withoute leavynge eny trace. Whanne not y-fightynge euil, Anonymous writeth a grete dele of poetrie.

‘THE RECLUSE’: Thys braue ladye kan nat be harmede for she ys wallede uppe yn a churche wyth no exit and onlie a smalle windowe out of whiche to looke and dispense spirituale counsel. Yn episode XLII, Gower shalle trye to deprive her of supplies of foode and watir for to slaye her, but the jape shal be on hym: she ys ful accousomede to fastynge for the grete sorwe and devocioun she hath to oure lorde.

THE YONGE MAGICALE BOWMEN FROGGES: Thes IV frogges dide swimme yn the streme nere an alchesmistes hous and thus touched by sorcerie did wexe large and stronge un til they weren as talle as men. Thei weren trayned by an hedgehog ycleped Shivere and haue lernede the artes of werre for to defende Engelonde. Augustinus doth fight with an longebowe, Ambrosius wyth an shorte bowe, Gregorius wyth two crossbowes, and Hieronymus doth kepe the arwes for the reste. Thei dwellen yn the seweres undir Londoun and eten blancmange wyth much relishe.

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’KALAMAZOO’: Thys doughty knight kan gadir an hooste of werre of manye scolers, the whiche aren of litel use yn combat but might serue to distracte the enemye while the reste of the Ocks Menne do defuse a bombe or kille a large monstere. Kalamazoo hath the powere to intoxicate eny manne or woman at wille, wyth a depe and grete intoxicacioun that doth laste for dayes. Hys secrete hideoute ys a magicale place ycleped ‘Michigan.’

...and forget nat to sende yn yower entries for the photographie conteste!!